Assertiveness: extending self-esteem to social relationships

We distinguish between assertive, passive and aggressive people.

Assertiveness is a communication style linked to social skills. linked to social skills. This term is very close to that of self-esteem; it is a skill closely linked to respect and affection for oneself and for others.

In this article we will better understand the relationship between assertiveness and self-esteem by differentiating between 3 types of individuals: passive, aggressive and assertive people.

The relationship between assertiveness and self-esteem

Lack of assertiveness is expressed by two extremes of the same pole, at one extreme are passive people, those considered timid, ready to feel stepped on and not respected; at the other extreme are aggressive people, who step on others and do not take into account the needs of the other.

Assertiveness can be understood as a path towards self-esteem, towards the ability to relate to others as equals, not being above or below them.being neither above nor below. Only those who have adequate self-esteem, who appreciate and value themselves, will be able to relate to others on the same level, recognizing those who are better in some ability, but not feeling inferior or superior to others.

The non-assertive person, whether withdrawn or aggressive, cannot have an adequate self-esteem since he/she feels the imperious need to be valued by others.

It is rare that a person comes to a psychologist's office suffering from a lack of assertiveness. Instead, they usually refer problems of anxiety, shyness, guilt, frequent arguments, poor functioning as a couple, conflicts at work or similar problems.frequent arguments, poor functioning as a couple, conflicts at work or similar problems. Often an evaluation by the professional highlights a deficit of social skills, expressed in poor assertive behaviors, either because the person is at the pole of passivity, aggressiveness, or because he/she fluctuates between both extremes.

The types of people according to their relationship with assertiveness.

In the following we will talk about the passive person, the aggressive person and the assertive person, but it is important to keep in mind that no one is purely aggressive or passive, or even assertive. People who are we have tendencies towards some of these behaviors, more or less accentuatedWe have tendencies towards some of these behaviors, more or less accentuated, but there are no "pure types". Therefore, we may exhibit some of these behaviors in certain situations that cause us difficulties, while in others we may react in a completely different way.

1. The passive person

The passive person does not defend personal rights and interests. He respects others, but not himself..

It is characterized by a social behavior marked by a low voice volume, the speech is not very fluent and can be blocked or stutter. Refuses eye contact, looks down, body posture is tense, shows insecurity as to what to do and/or what to say and frequently complains about other people because he/she does not feel understood or because others take advantage of him/her.

The thought pattern is of "sacrificing" people. They feel a deep need to be liked and appreciated by everyone and often feel misunderstood, manipulated or disregarded.

The emotions they usually feel are helplessness, guilt, anxiety and frustration. They have a lot of mental energy but it is not externalized physically, they may feel anger but they do not show it and sometimes they do not even recognize it to themselves. This behavior pattern often leads to loss of self-esteem and sometimes loss of appreciation from other people (which they need so much and constantly seek).

Passive behaviors make other people feel guilty or superior because, depending on how the other person is, one may have the constant feeling that one is constantly feeling guilty or superior, one may have the constant feeling of being indebted to the passive person, or one may feel superior to the passive person and to him/her. or you may feel superior to them and able to take advantage of them. Somatic problems are also common (gastritis, contractures, headaches, skin problems...) because the great psychic tension they suffer from by denying themselves ends up expressing itself in the body.

In some cases these people have disproportionate outbursts of aggressivenessThey place themselves at the other pole. These outbursts can be very uncontrolled and are the result of the accumulation of tensions and hostility that end up overflowing.

2. The aggressive person

Excessively defends personal rights and interests, disregarding those of others.Sometimes he/she does not really take them into account and sometimes he/she lacks the skills to face certain situations.

In his manifest behavior we observe a high tone of voice, sometimes the speech is not very fluent for being hasty, speaks sharply, interrupts, may insult and / or threaten. He has a tendency to counterattack.

Eye contact is defiant.Their face expresses tension and they invade each other's personal space with their body posture. At the level of thought, these individuals believe that if they do not behave in this way they are excessively vulnerable, they place everything in terms of win-lose and may harbor ideas such as "there are bad and vile people who deserve to be punished" or "it is horrible that things do not go the way I would like them to go".

They often feel increasing anxiety and their behavior leads to loneliness and feeling misunderstood. They may feel frustrated and guilty. Self-esteem is low, hence this constant belligerence (it is a defense). They feel very honest and transparent because they express what they feel, but when they do so out of anger or impulsiveness they often hurt others.

The consequences of this type of behavior is that these people generally provoke rejection or flight on the part of others. On the other hand, they enter into a vicious circle, forcing others to be increasingly hostile, so that they reinforce this aggressiveness to defend themselves from the hostility they themselves have provoked.

The passive-aggressive style, a mixture of the two previous ones, is the one in which the apparently passive person harbors a lot of resentment. Not having the skills to express this discomfort adequately, these people use subtle and indirect methods such as irony, sarcasm or hints, trying to make the other person feel bad but without exposing themselves in an obvious way as the responsible ones.

3. The assertive person

Assertive people are those who know their own rights and defend them, respecting others, i.e., they are not going to "win", but to "win", they are not going to "win", but to "reach an agreement"..

In their external behavior, their speech is fluent, they are confident, with direct but unchallenging eye contact, their tone is relaxed, their posture is comfortable.

They express their feelings, both positive and negative, defending themselves without aggression, in an honest way, being able to talk about their likes and dislikes.They can talk about their likes and dislikes or interests, they can disagree or ask for clarification, they can recognize mistakes, and they do not need the other person to prove them right.

As for their thought pattern, they know and believe in rights for themselves and for others. Their mental schemes are mostly rational, which means that they are not dominated by irrational beliefs typical of other communication styles, such as the idea that "I must be accepted and loved by everyone" or "it is horrible that things do not go as I want".

Their self-esteem is healthy, they feel in control of their emotionsThey do not feel inferior or superior to others, have satisfactory relationships with others and respect themselves.

This way of feeling and expressing themselves, of respecting themselves and others, means that they know how to defend themselves from the attacks of others, without using the same hostility. They can resolve misunderstandings and other similar situations and the people they deal with feel respected and valued, so these people are often considered "good people" but not "fools".

A final thought

Assertiveness is a social skill and as such can be trained, no one is born assertive and no one is doomed to be assertive all the time. no one is condemned to be an "awkward" or unskillful person all his or her life, always reacting with hostility or hostility.always reacting with hostility or inhibition. Like any skill, the person who wants to develop an assertive style requires practice to improve.

Bibliographical references:

• Castanyer, O.. (2003). Assertiveness: expression of a healthy self-esteem. Bilbao: Descleé de Brouwer.