Cognitive distortions in romantic relationships

Love relationships are an area in which it is easy for cognitive distortions to appear.

When we start a love relationship, fears and doubts usually arise. Many times, we come from past relationships that have left us a bit touched. Perhaps we have been cheated on, or we have simply stopped loving the other person and the relationship has come to an end.

All this is common and should not worry us too much. But what happens when we have a partner and we are constantly distressed, to the point that our perception of things is altered? Why does this happen? In this article we will talk about cognitive distortions in couple relationships.

Beck's cognitive distortions

Aaron Beck was a researcher who put a lot of emphasis on the way we think and process information, especially in depression.especially in depression. He talked about cognitive distortions, that is, systematic biases in the processing of information after events of loss or deprivation. Thus, these events are exaggeratedly valued as global, frequent and irreversible.

Cognitive distortions produce emotional disturbanceBeck therefore gave them a fundamental role in the origin and maintenance of depression. In addition, he defended the idea that information processing is guided by cognitive schemas. These schemas guide the perception, encoding, storage and retrieval of information, i.e., they act as cognitive filters.

Cognitive distortions appear in many other clinical conditions, such as anxiety disorders, other mood disorders and personality disorders. However, they also appear - and very frequently - in the non-clinical population (without diagnosable disorders), as we will see below.

Cognitive distortions in couple relationships.

When we start a relationship or have been in a relationship for some time, cognitive distortions may appear. These alter the way we experience the relationship, the way we relate to the other personThey alter the way we relate to the other person, and can end up damaging the relationship.

Thus, cognitive distortions in couple relationships are usually unconscious and we do not know that they are there guiding our interpretation of things. They have repercussions on the way we see ourselves as part of the couple, and damage our self-esteem and self-concept..

Cognitive distortions contain misinformation, and we must be careful with them. Cultural heritage and education play an important role in the genesis of love relationships, since these two elements have largely guided our perception of life.

Some of the most common cognitive distortions in couple relationships are the following.

"Without you I am nothing."

This consists of thinking that if our partner leaves us, we will sinkThis is a categorical and categorical thought, because he/she is an indispensable part of our life. This is a categorical and deterministic thought, which makes us live the relationship with anxiety and with a tremendous fear of losing the partner.

According to Beck's terminology, this is magnification, and consists of evaluating a situation by increasing its magnitude or significance.

It is a thought that increases dependence on the partner and which is totally false. If before we met that person we could live perfectly and be happy, why is it different now?

"My partner must do everything for me"

Believing that the other person is a magical being who has come to save us from something.or to remedy our neuroses, is an absurd and very common thought. Having it increases frustration and makes us become demanding and dependent towards the person we love.

The partner does not have to be a servant or maid for us. A healthy relationship is a balanced relationship where both parties contribute. The other will not always satisfy our desires, nor should we expect them to.

We must be careful with the "I must's", as they often contain unmet needs that we try to meet however we can.

"If he is jealous it is because he loves me."

Jealousy is a very dangerous weapon in relationships. This statement is based on a cognitive distortion that leads us to experience the jealousy of the other as something good and logical within the relationship, even as something necessary, as a sign of love.

Precisely jealousy denotes the opposite, i.e., insecurities, fear of losing the other person.fear of losing the other person and low self-esteem. A functional relationship will always be based on trust, respect and freedom.

This is an arbitrary inference, i.e., drawing a conclusion without evidence to support it or with contrary evidence. In this case, we attribute being jealous to something good, when it is precisely the opposite.

Treatment: cognitive restructuring techniques

Cognitive restructuring is a form of psychotherapeutic intervention employed by Aaron Beckamong others, which aims at making dysfunctional beliefs functional and modifying cognitive distortions. Some of his techniques are the following.

• Daily recording of automatic thoughts: allows the patient to become aware of his or her dysfunctional thoughts. Used in the first sessions.
• Three columns technique: allows the identification of distortions and modification of cognitions.
• Reality testingReality testing: experiments to allow the patient to describe and analyze reality more adequately.
• Re-attribution: allows to analyze the causes that may have contributed to a specific event in order to reduce guilt.