Couples therapy: an aid to rebuilding bonds

These are the keys to couple therapy, a psychological intervention focused on the relationship.

Couples therapy is a type of help that many married couples or people involved in courtships use to get out of their relational crises.

This option breaks with the idea that psychotherapy is a place to attend only to express ideas that affect only oneself: psychology can also be applied to emotional bonds and communication between two people.

Interview with Cecilia Martín, psychologist

On this occasion we interviewed Cecilia Martín of the Instituto Psicode, so that she explains what are the keys of the couple therapy.

What are the types of problems that most couples go to therapy for?

Although the reasons are very varied, the most frequent reason for which couples come to consultation nowadays is infidelity.

Infidelity is becoming more and more frequent in couples, both men and women. And infidelities are forgiven. They are not a cause of rupture. But for the person to be able to forgive and regain trust in their partner, they need therapy.

At Instituto Psicode we work on the deep crises that couples go through after discovering an infidelity. And in 90% of cases, couples recover and even emerge stronger from it. " I never thought I could forgive him and now I am so glad I found out about the cheating. We love each other much more and we feel closer than ever and I trust our relationship" are some of the testimonies of our patients.

Another major reason for consultation in couples therapy is to help them regain their passion. Passion with capital letters because people want to feel for their partner and want to feel loved and desired by them.

After many years of relationship, routine and monotony often wear the couple down and sexual desire decreases. This is a current complaint of both men and women. Low sexual desire is often interpreted by the other as "you don't love me anymore" or "you don't want me anymore". And these misinterpreted messages cause a lot of suffering to people. One of the key points of our couple therapies is to recover the spark in the relationship, to recover the passion and the burning desire for each other.

In other cases it may be jealousy, dependency on the part of one of them, problems of lack of space and care for oneself or difficulties in making decisions.

Sometimes they come to make the decision to stay together or not. Not because they get along badly as a couple, but because there is a conflict in values, each one has a scheme and they do not manage to reach a "walk together". For example, having or not having children, giving up a professional career to accompany the couple to another country, the demand for open sexual relations on the part of one partner, etc.

In other cases, recurrent arguments and conflicts are the main reason for consultation.

Couples want to learn how to resolve their differences regarding different issues, e.g., in-laws, children's education, social relations, domestic responsibilities, and are unable to reach agreements. In some cases communication becomes aggressive and arguments take place in front of the children, which further aggravates the situation.

In these cases, what is done in couple therapy?

In couple's therapy, they learn to solve those problems for which they argue over and over again. The couple enters into a daily conflict loop from which they cannot escape. Why does a seemingly simple topic cause so much turmoil and so much aggression in the other?

It is not only a matter of communication and different points of view, but there are more emotional components involved. Possibly this topic drags a lot of history from the past and is touching weak points of each one.

All these factors are what we analyze in therapy: the fears of each one, the life stories that have marked their character, etc. Once you get to the click! It is easy to find solutions and couples manage to stop arguing.

Many times, when couples therapy is portrayed in audiovisual fiction, the scriptwriters focus a lot on the arguments and conflicts that break out during the sessions. Are arguments really part of the normal functioning of this type of therapy?

In our consultations, we try not to let these scenes happen. Our philosophy is that "you don't pay a psychologist to argue, because they already know how to do that on their own". Couples already have enough of the wear and tear of their arguments at home without reinforcing it in the office. In addition, to allow it would be to help to create more distancing, because when being the psychologist in front, by the fact that we all like to be right, everything is magnified more (consciously or unconsciously) so that this one is put on our side.

That is why we avoid these situations, although we do not avoid the problems. The psychologist must know how to mediate correctly and prevent a tense atmosphere in the consultation. The objective is that the session ends well and that the couple leaves each session strengthened and having learned something.

What are the main objectives of this form of psychological intervention?

The main objective of the therapy is for the couple to believe in love again. They feel that their relationship is worthwhile and that they feel they have chosen someone special to share their life with. When the couple achieves this, they feel fulfilled and motivated to solve any adversity.

How do we achieve this? Well, sometimes we have to work on things from the past. Reprocess and close the past to look at the present. Couples come with so much distrust, resentment, disappointment.... If we don't work on the resentment for the past, this will block the present.

We work on the expression of feelings and increase the emotional closeness between them. We teach them effective communication techniques, we mediate in discrepancies, we help them to recover passion and above all to feel again as a "team" to solve future difficulties that are part of everyday life.

What are the most common and recurrent variants of couple therapy, and how do you know which one is best suited to each case?

The variants of couples therapy depend on the therapeutic approach of each professional. At the Psicode Institute we work under an integrative approach, with techniques from different approaches: systemic therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy and even psychodrama techniques for more emotional work.

Each couple is unique and requires unique work. There are usually no universal solutions that work for everyone. For this reason, couples do not find solutions by looking at their friends' partners. It is a deep work that is often more complex than individual therapy.

What kind of measures are promoted from therapy so that couples who come to this service are committed to making progress?

Ideally, both partners should come motivated to make changes and work to stay together. When this happens, therapy is usually brief and changes are achieved in very few sessions.

But this is not usually the case. Usually both, or at least one of them is already very tired of fighting for the relationship. They usually ask for help when they are already exhausted and when they only see separation as the only way.

In these cases it is necessary to work on the motivation and to look for the strong points of the relationship. Help them to find reasons to stay together.

Is it normal to go to couple's therapy without much hope of improving the situation?

It is the usual thing. We assume that when most people call us to ask for an appointment, it is because the ultimatum of breaking up is just around the corner.

They say that when they come to us they have already tried everything, but it is not true. They have tried over and over again solutions that don't work, or even aggravate the situation further. They need the expert psychologist to help them see what they don't see.

Some, when they ask for an appointment, in spite of giving them an appointment as soon as possible, we find that many times in those days the couple has already ended the relationship and they do not go to their couple's appointment. It is a pity, because they did not use up their last cartridge.

On other occasions it is true that they come too late. For example, in infidelity problems, it is common for couples to ask for therapy when the infidelity has been repeated several times. Here the person who has been betrayed is so disenchanted that to restore trust requires more time for therapeutic work. If couples would seek help after the first episode of infidelity it would be much easier to work.

The good thing about those who are disbelieving in the possibility of improvement, and who nevertheless tried, is that they are later rewarded for their efforts. They are the ones who are most amazed by the changes and therefore most grateful to their partners and their decision to initiate the process.

Does this pessimistic perception of things usually change in the course of the sessions?

Of course it does. As the process progresses and they see the changes sustained over time, optimism and credibility in the couple appears. Many couples, after experiencing the results of couples therapy, admit that if they had known they would have come sooner. Couples therapy works.

When couples therapy does not seem to be making progress, what are usually the causes?

When one of the partners does not really intend to fight for the couple because he/she no longer wants it, but continues the couple's therapy, just for a secondary gain for him/herself. It may happen that one of them wants to save the relationship, but it is clear to him/her that he/she needs to see a real involvement of the other in therapy, otherwise he/she will separate.

We have seen cases in which one of the two wants to continue in the relationship but not because he/she loves his/her partner, but because the breakup implies a series of losses that he/she is not willing to assume and comes to couple therapy to prevent his/her partner from leaving him/her.

For example, the fear of losing their purchasing power, not wanting their children to live with separated parents, etc. The attitude of these people prevents the real development of couple therapy and it is very difficult to move forward.

In what situations would you recommend going to couples therapy? How do you know if the problem is significant enough to take this step?

We recommend going when a problem appears that causes suffering to the couple and that they cannot solve on their own. Sometimes, if the couple comes early to ask for help, in very few sessions the problem is solved and the couple can continue to be happy.

If the problem has not been resolved and they just let it go, that problem will come up later in the future and aggravate the situation even more.

What would you say to people who are beginning to wonder if their relationship is viable?

Important decisions in life are made from a rational state, from calm and serenity. If you find yourself in a situation where you are emotionally overwhelmed because your partner is constantly fighting, resentment and anger will not let you see if the solution of separation is the right one.

In the short term it may be a relief, but in the medium or long term you may realize that there were other options.