Do you always choose the same type of partner?

Why do we usually choose the same type of romantic partner?

What is the common denominator that makes us fall in love and choose a particular person to be our partner?

This question seems very simple, but many people say that they don't really know why they choose one person or another. They say that maybe they are guided at first by certain characteristics -physical or not- that catch their attention or some personality trait or they are simply guided by intuition.

Do you always choose the same type of partner?

It is curious that many people, after breaking up with an unsatisfactory relationship, fall into a similar situation again and again after some time. This situation is due to the fact that there is a common denominator in these relationshipsThey fall in love with a person very similar to their ex-partner and this leads to repeating the same pattern. Therefore, this generates very similar situations and conflicts in different -but not so different from each other- relationships.

Scientific studies say that people tend to relate to their partners in a similar way as they learned to relate to their parents during their childhood. Depending on that, a Wide range of relational possibilities can be found. If the relationships with their parents were positive, healthy and satisfactory, they will tend to look for partners similar to their parents -in the way they relate and communicate with each other-.

On the other hand, if their relationships with their parents were rather negative, conflictive and unhealthy, they tend to repeat those relational patterns in future couples. And why does this happen?

The insecurities we carry from childhood.

This is due to the fact that in the parental relationships were created some insecuritiesinsecurities fears and emotional needs that left, in some way, that emotional mark that usually accompanies them throughout life. They may look for people who apparently seem different from those figures, but who unconsciously have something in common. This is because they try to do better what the parents did wrong -or what could be improved-.

They are people who at the beginning of a new relationship relate to each other in a positive and healthy way. But, when faced with some difficulty or problem as a couple -which always appear with time- they bring out their insecurities and fears. That makes them become absorbent, distrustful, distant, etc., which is what makes them become absorbed, distrustful and distant.etc., which is what they learned from the way they related to their parents.

At this point they feel disappointed with their partner, for being completely different from what they knew of that person at the beginning of that relationship. And it is not true that they are different people -the one at the beginning and the one at the end of the relationship- but that, in the beginning, they related in a healthier, more positive way and that changes when in one of the two partners or in both of them those fears are activated for some reason. They start to relate to each other from insecurity and fear, which were the patterns they learned and registered in their childhood.

Trying not to stumble over the same stone

We talk about the fact that one tends to follow the patterns learned in childhood, but no one is saying that those patterns cannot be modified. If you realize that these patterns lead you to be unhappy with the choice of your companions in life, you will have to do something to get out of that situation. With greater or lesser difficulty, you can modify some things so that this relapse in the search for patterns can be avoided. the relapse in the search for erroneous patterns of partner change, modify and eventually disappear.

How could we change those relapsing and problematic patterns? To get out of this relapse in the search for complicated relationship patterns we have to accomplish the following points:

1. Identify our fears

Think about what makes us most afraid when we are in a relationship and think about why we may feel this way (parental relationships in childhood, some unresolved love breakup, etc.).

2. Similarities between the relationships you have had and the problems you tend to experience with your partners.

In this way you will identify which are the things you need to work on individually.

3. Overcome fears

Don't be afraid of things happening before they happen. But don't let those fears be the ones that lead you to create situations that make you feel uncomfortable or unhappy.

4. To have confidence in yourself and to value yourself (to know yourself).

We must keep in mind that every person has a series of virtues and defects (to a greater or lesser extent). Being aware of this can make you value your attitudes and behaviors. These behaviors can be worked on and strengthened. You should not think that your happiness depends on the person next to you (who helps or enhances it) but you yourself should feel good and happy on your own.

5. Broaden horizons

Discover that there are interesting people who are out of "the patterns you usually look at" and who can bring you many things. Broaden the type of person you usually look at, both physically and personally.