Emotional blackmail: a powerful form of partner manipulation

In relationships, it is not uncommon for this type of psychological manipulation to arise.

The emotional blackmail and manipulationUnfortunately, they can be common in couple relationships, but also among friends and family members. The emotional blackmailer acts according to his or her interests, and blames, makes the victim of blackmail uncomfortable and fearful.

According to Susan Forward, author of the book Emotional Blackmailemotional blackmail is "a powerful weapon of manipulation with which people close to us threaten us, directly or indirectly, to punish us if they do not get what they want".

Causes of emotional blackmail

The causes that lead a person to be a blackmailer are many. For example, low self-esteem, which can cause an individual to be constantly seeking confirmation of their partner's love and provoking demonstrations that the other person will not leave them.

Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disordered individuals may also engage in constant emotional blackmail with their family, friends and partners. This is a way of reaffirming and consolidating their personality.

The fear of abandonment of the victim also encourages the blackmailer to try to adopt a position of power over the victim, in a situation that can be very similar to emotional dependence. On the other hand, people who have been victims of emotional blackmail from an early age, or individuals who have been "pampered" and "overprotected", are more prone to adopt a manipulative personality.. The latter have a low frustration tolerance and, in addition, have become accustomed to having everything they want. This can affect their interpersonal relationships.

Sentimental blackmailer strategies

The sentimental blackmailer can make use of different strategies to achieve his or her objective. Through the power he knows he has over the other person, the blackmailer "turns the tables" and takes advantage of the victim's vulnerability.

To do so, the blackmailer may use psychological strategies (more or less consciously) such as those presented below:

Self-punishment

The blackmailer uses phrases such as. "if you leave me, it is not worthwhile to stay alive".. In this way makes the victim feel guilty and permanently forced not to question the foundations of the relationship.

Punishment

The person who blackmails uses threatening phrases such as the following: "if you do that, don't blame me if I leave you.". In this way, he or she makes the other person feel constantly tied to "correct" patterns of behavior, thus undermining his or her freedom and personality.

However, this is one of the least subtle forms of emotional blackmail, and for this reason it is not as dangerous as the rest, since from the beginning it is relatively clear what is happening. However, in certain contexts a very abused person may not be aware that these are threats, due to their emotional investment in the relationship.

Silence

The emotional blackmailer creates a negative partner environmentThe emotional blackmailer creates a negative partner environment, as he may show his anger through silence. This makes the victim think that the "bad climate" situation is his or her fault. This is another way of making the victim of blackmail feel guilty.

Moreover, this form of blackmail is powerful because it uses passivity to make the victim obsess about what is happening because of his confusion and incomprehension.

Victimization

Emotional blackmail also includes victimhood. An example can be the following sentence: "if you go with your friends, I'll be alone and bored"..

• More about victimhood in this post: "Chronic victimhood: people who complain out of habit".

Promises

Blackmailers are also are experts in making promises they never keep. For example, "if you give me another chance I'll prove to you that I can change" .. This type of behavior can be a warning sign, since it is one of the typical behaviors in cycles of intimate partner violence.

Blaming

Making the partner feel guilty about his or her own wrong behavior is one of the most commonly used strategies. For example: "I am aggressive because you provoke me." o "I've been unfaithful because you don't give me enough.". This is another sign that can alert us that a situation of psychological abuse may be occurring.

Protecting yourself from an emotional blackmailer

On many occasions it is not easy to it is not easy to recognize that a person is being blackmailed.. The emotional price of sentimental blackmail is very high. For example, the loss of a loved one, or feeling ashamed or guilty for allowing oneself to be manipulated.

The blackmailer is a skilled person who knows how to manipulate and can sometimes seem (or say) that he is very much in love with his partner or can justify his behavior in a thousand different ways, but the consequences on the victim's well-being can be very negative. In addition, the blackmailer is not necessarily a bad or perverse person, it may be his emotional instability.It may be his or her emotional instability that leads him or her to act in this way. Therefore, it is necessary to be aware that each situation is different and to evaluate it calmly and serenely, but also firmly if a decision has to be taken.

However, since in emotional blackmail there are two actors, and it is not always possible to change the behavior of the blackmailer, the person being blackmailed can work on himself to stop being a victim of emotional manipulation. Working on emotional intelligence, self-esteem or practicing Mindfulness are some of the tools that can be useful in this situation and will help the victim to become empowered in life.

Serious or potentially serious cases of emotional blackmail

In severe cases of emotional blackmail, the affected person may need psychological help to overcome the situation and recover from the emotional wounds caused.

Talking to friends and family, and seeing a psychological specialist, are important in order to recovering the emotional well-being of the person who has suffered emotional blackmail for a long time.