Emotional dependence: the pathological addiction to your romantic partner

Some people tend to become emotionally attached to their partner.

Psychological consultations receive day after day a lot of people who have a common problem: the emotional dependence.

This condition can be observed when the person who suffers from it remains in a state of extreme filiation towards his or her sentimental partner, because there is a great need to maintain the emotional bond and affection.

Emotional dependency: what is it?

As occurs with other dependencies, such as addiction to the consumption of toxic substances, emotional dependency operates through mechanisms of positive reinforcementwhich ends up generating psychological dependence in the subject. Emotional dependence affects women and men equally.

However, men often hide this problem because they feel less able to recognize that they are 'emotionally attached' to another person. Because of the embarrassment in expressing the problem, some men present more severe dependency symptoms.

Who suffers from emotional dependence?

Although many times this situation may be transitory, the most common is that the pattern of emotional dependence in the subject is observed throughout his life and with the different partners he has.. This emotional dependence does not refer to material motives (as could be an economic dependence), but refers to the need for love and affective bonding. People who suffer from it have a great fear of being alone and cannot conceive their life without a sentimental partner.

It is significant that many of those who are emotionally dependent seek partners with a dominant character, with a psychological profile that tends towards selfishness and narcissism, possessive, authoritarian and despot. In some cases, emotional dependents report having suffered some type of physical or psychological abuse. physical or psychological abuse by his or her partner, which is not strange considering the profile we have mentioned. The dependent person tends to idealize his or her spouse, living in a certain submissiveness towards him or her.

The affected person is able to recognize the mistreatment and contempt he/she suffers on a daily basis, but does not have the capacity to stop being 'hooked' to his/her partner. They ask for forgiveness even for things they have not done, in order to appear tender and submissive before their partner; to win his approval and love. They may also spend a lot of money on gifts and in general will maintain an attitude of attentions and gestures to keep their partner happy and satisfied at all times.

Causes

Normally, the root of the dependency problem lies in poor self-esteem, which leads the emotional dependent to systematically devalue themselves. They are critical of themselves and their way of being, to the point of feeling inferior and even guilty for the contempt they may receive from their romantic partners. The situation becomes even more untenable with the passage of time, as the course of the relationship exacerbates the subordinate relationship of the emotional dependent with respect to his or her partner, who exercises a dominant role. dominant role.

In this way, the dominant person's contempt for the emotional dependent increases, taking his or her subordination to the extreme. It is also common to observe that this type of relationship ends up breaking up in a short time, but that does not solve the problem. The addict will try a thousand times to get back together with his or her ex-partner.In the same way that the drug addict manages to obtain the substance and use it again. This dynamic leads to a vicious circle situation, since the contempt of the dominant increases, as well as the self-esteem and dignity of the emotionally dependent person decreases. The person suffering from this type of emotional dependence needs to remain in contact with his or her partner, and if the bond is completely broken, a sort of emotional withdrawal syndrome arises. emotional withdrawal syndrome.

Rupture with friends and family

In these cases, angry confrontations with friends and angry confrontations with friends and relatives. The emotional dependent realizes that his relatives try to advise him that his psychological situation in the relationship is not the most appropriate, but he insists on defending his relationship. Although the relatives see up close that the suffering caused by this pathological relationship does not cease, the dependent usually confronts them and will defend the situation, even to the point of demanding special treatment of the other person from those close to him or her..

The comorbidity of emotional dependence is associated with anxious or depressive symptoms, apart from the lack of self-esteem that we have already mentioned, which is increased by the awareness of being aware of the fact that one is dragging oneself to regain the love of someone who not only does not love him/her but also despises and mistreats him/her.

In this situation, it is very common to observe that the dependent person firmly believes that his or her partner is superior and therefore deserves to be acknowledged and showered with praise and respect by all those around him or her. This can lead to a breakdown in the relationship with friends and family, which reinforces their emotional dependence, since they will only find support in their partner. As we can see, this is another dynamic that leads to a vicious circle.

Pathological altruism

The affected person can reach the point of abandoning his or her own work responsibilities in order to have the necessary time to meet the needs of the spouse. The family, work, social and psychological impairment of the emotional dependent may reach worrying limits..

In the case that the dependent has children, it is frequent that their children have behaviors and attitudes of contempt towards him/her. They learn to despise someone who shows no authority or dignity. There are also signs of deterioration in the children's relationship with the authoritarian parent, who tends to be a selfish and despotic person who does not express much love or concern for his or her children.

Psychotherapy: addressing the problem

It is essential to quickly initiate psychological therapy in order to achieve emotional detachment from the partner. Failure to do so and continuing in negative dynamics can lead to disastrous consequences, since it is not uncommon for contempt to escalate to psychological abuse and even physical abuse in the end. To avoid entering into increasingly dangerous dynamics, it is important to start early psychological treatment, although this is difficult to achieve in practice.

As is the case with various addictions, the first step is for the affected person to be able to recognize that you have a problem and decide to look for a way to solve it. This point is very difficult: the dependent will manage to find multiple excuses and justifications for his/her behavior. They are usually of the type: "You don't know him/her well", "He/she loves me too much", "Nobody is perfect", "It's my fault too"... It is practically impossible to make a therapy work that has not been requested by the addict himself/herself, and as with other addictions, it will be necessary to make an absolute rupture with the partner.

Do you know someone who is emotionally dependent?

The best advice to give to someone whose family member or friend is emotionally dependent is as follows:

• Never give in to the demand to maintain exquisite treatment of the dominant person. towards the dominant person.

• You should stay by the dependent person's side, but do not be an accomplice.but do not be complicit in their unhealthy relationship.

• You can talk to the affected person and make him/her understand that he/she can count on you and the family.

• If he/she finally decides to ask for help to break with the situation, it is necessary that you welcome him/her and prevent any contact with the partner.

• It is also a good idea to accompany him/her to therapy. The psychologist will not only help to find the best way forward for the person concerned, but will also provide some guidelines for family and friends. provide some guidelines to family members and friends to reverse the situation, as well as some advice for specific doubts.

Bibliographical references:

• Castelló Blasco, J. Fear of rejection in emotional dependence and borderline personality disorder.
• Congost. S. Manual of affective dependence.
• Ruiperez, D and L. Lobo. L.My mind is my enemy.