How the fear of loneliness arises and what to do about it

Let's see the keys about how the fear of loneliness arises and what we can do to deal with it.

The fear of loneliness is a relatively frequent type of discomfort among people who come to psychotherapy, as well as among many others who do not consider that this problem can be treated with professional help.

It is a phenomenon in which emotions and ideas about what may happen in the future combine to form a vicious circle of fears and feelings of helplessness.

In this article we will look at a summary about how the fear of loneliness arises, and what we can do to overcome it.

How does the fear of loneliness appear?

The first thing to be clear about is that, whenever in psychology we talk about the causes of a certain emotional or behavioral problem, we are necessarily simplifying a very complex reality.

Simplifying, in an abstract sense, is not always bad; after all, practically all branches of science must simplify what they study, for example, by breaking it down into variables. The key is to know how to detect the most relevant aspects that allow us to explain a large part of what we are trying to understand.

What are the most relevant elements when it comes to understanding how the fear of loneliness arises? Let's take a look.

1. Anxiety

First of all, it is worth highlighting the importance of anxiety as a phenomenon involved in the fear of being alone.. Anxiety is a psychological and physiological state that leads us to go into "alarm mode", that is, to react quickly to any sign of danger or risk of losing something.

Unlike simple fear, in anxiety our mind works actively leading us to imagine bad things that could happen. In other words: who is anxious, has his or her attentional focus oriented towards the future, from a pessimistic bias.This means that those who are anxious have their attention focused on the future, with a pessimistic bias, in order to try to react as soon as possible at the first sign that one of these problems may begin to appear.

Thus, in the face of the fear of loneliness, anxiety leads us to foresee all kinds of disastrous scenarios for our future: total lack of friends, absence of those who could protect us, etc.

2. Habits of isolation or antisocial type.

At the same time that we feel this fear of being alone, with the passage of time we also see that this state of anxiety does not serve to solve the problem. Therefore, in the face of the fear of loneliness, although it may seem paradoxical, many people adopt habits that generate a "self-fulfilling prophecy" effect: the expectation that something will happen makes it more likely to happen.

This can occur in several different ways. On the one hand, some people believe they are predestined to have no relevant affective or loving relationships, and this feeling of helplessness leads them to adopt a very solitary lifestyle, in which they try to find forms of gratification in a life characterized by social isolation.

On the other hand, some people adopt a mentality in which others become instruments for a purpose: not to be left alone. In the long run, if there is no therapeutic support, this usually generates problems, so that the relationships that may be established are not usually healthy or stable.

3. Biological predispositions

In practically any psychological phenomenon there are influences of biology. However, these do not determine anything, but interact with psychological and contextual elements. For example, people whose genes predispose them to suffer more anxiety are more likely to be afraid of loneliness, but this does not imply that they are doomed to suffer from it all the time.

Distinguishing fear of loneliness from phobias

In most cases, fear of loneliness is not a mental disorder that can be considered a disorder. However, it is important to differentiate between two phenomena that fit under the term "fear of loneliness" and yet are very different. On the one hand there is the fear of being alone, which is diffuse in nature and manifests itself in very different ways even in the same person, and on the other hand, loneliness phobia, which is a type of anxiety disorder.

Loneliness phobia, or eremophobia, causes those who develop it to suffer crises in which their level of anxiety rises rapidly, to the point of having difficulty in controlling their own actions. Its symptoms are those typical of most types of phobias: trembling, sweating, dizziness or even nausea, etc. In other words, it is expressed mainly in specific situations for several minutes at a time.

On the other hand, the diffuse and non-phobic fear of loneliness does not have this component of sudden elevation of anxiety to a very extreme point. However, there is something that both types of psychological problems share: catastrophic thoughts about what will happen in the future because of the loneliness that is feared.

What to do about it?

Here are some tips for dealing with the non-phobic fear of loneliness.

1. Do not focus on people, but on contexts.

It would be a mistake to set the goal of gaining friendships with specific people to avoid the fear of loneliness; this would only lead to that instrumentalist mentality that causes problems. It is much more advisable to set as goals to expose ourselves to contexts in which we are able to develop a rich social life, in which it is easier to connect with others.

2. Consider the balance between the controllable and the uncontrollable.

By definition, we cannot fully control what happens in our social life, as it involves many people. However, in all cases we have a certain margin of decision. Always keep in mind that even in the most adverse circumstances we can do things to improve our quality of life.

3. Keep moving forward

Don't give in to paralyzing helplessness; establish a social life routine. You don't have to set out to be a very charismatic person or always know what to say and do in front of others, having good friendships and healthy social relationships doesn't mean you have to do all that.

4. Look beyond

It is not essential to feel understood and loved by those who are usually in our social environment. You can look further afield: for example, in groups of people with similar interests to yours.

5. Help others

Helping others is especially beneficial in cases of fear of loneliness, because it is one of the most important forms of socialization that exist, and helps to strengthen ties.

6. Take care of yourself

Don't withdraw into yourself: remember that your relationship with your own body is as or more important than your interaction with others. If you don't take care of yourself, you will have neither the desire nor the energy to socialize.

7. If you need it, go to psychotherapy.

Psychologists are trained to offer support for forms of discomfort such as fear of loneliness. If you think you need it, count on us.

Bibliographical references:

• American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. Fifth edition. DSM-V. Masson, Barcelona.
• Bados, A. (2005). Fobias específicas. Universitat de Barcelona. Faculty of Psychology. Departament de Personalitat, Avaluació i Tractament Psicològics.
• Coplan, R. J., Bowker, J. C. (2013). A Handbook of Solitude: Psychological Perspectives on Social Isolation. Wiley Blackwel.
• Sylvers, P.; Lilienfeld, S. O.; LaPrairie, J. L. (2011). Differences between trait fear and trait anxiety: implications for psychopathology. Clinical Psychology Review. 31(1): pp. 122 - 137.