How to deal with infidelity: 7 effective tips

Infidelity is one of the most common and damaging couple crises. What to do in these cases?

One of the most serious and most common crises that a couple faces throughout their life cycle throughout their life cycle is the one that occurs as a result of infidelity.

Statistics on its frequency vary greatly, being able to find from 20% (Institute of Family Studies 2017, Fincham 2016) to 70% (Rodrigues 2016), since it is not easy to discriminate what is infidelity and what is not.

Thus... how to act in the face of infidelity? In this article we will see a series of recommendations.

What do we know about infidelity?

It is important to assume that the generalization of social networks has broadened the opportunity and definition of infidelity, as well as blurring the boundary between flirting and going a step further. The virtuality component of a cyber affair can also affect our assessment of whether or not we are dealing with infidelity.

In any case, in approximately half of all couple therapy sessions, infidelity of one of the partners is the origin of the complaint (Glass 2003, Campo 2007). (Glass 2003, Campo 2007). That is, secret contact with a third person, whether physical or virtual, is considered a betrayal by the other party.

The following questions are a classic in psychotherapy: is it possible to forgive an infidelity? Is it necessarily the end of the couple? Can trust in the other person be regained? How to act in the face of infidelity?

In the case of couples who come to therapy, one can at least presuppose a desire to find a solution so that the relationship can continue, so they seem to harbor some hope about the possibility of rebuilding the relationship. Contrary to the most common opinion, it is not only feasible to overcome an infidelity, but also, if properly managed, it can strengthen the bond, properly managed, it can strengthen the bond between the couple and be the starting point of a closer and better-established relationship.

Obviously, the process of getting there is emotionally demanding for both partners. is very emotionally demanding for both partners, and even if the intention is to make amends for the affair.Even with the intention of repairing the serious damage done, it is possible to realize that in the end the deception cannot be forgiven. And it will depend on multiple factors, such as the characteristics of the affair, the motivations (no, infidelity is not only committed in relationships that go wrong) or the implications it may have on the future of the relationship.

Also, obviously, the strength of the relationship and the beliefs and values of each partner have an influence.

How does the person who feels betrayed experience it?

The person who has been betrayed (invariably, regardless of the magnitude of the affair) arrives at the consultation (invariably, regardless of the magnitude of the affair) in an acute state of Pain and anger, much more so if there was no degree of suspicion or if no symptoms were perceived. or there were no perceived symptoms of problems in the relationship; the surprise factor can leave the deceived person in a state of bewilderment.

In these conditions, moreover, the social and moral pressure in the sense that the right thing to do is to break the relationship can be very strong if you do not want to leave the person who has been unfaithful, and become a factor of anxiety and emotional conflict.

Here it is important to work to avoid the appearance of resentmentThe famous phrase "to forgive, but to forgive, to forgive, to forgive, to forgive, to forgive, to forgive, to forgive, to forgive, to forgive, to forgive. The famous phrase "forgive, but do not forget" is the prelude to this phenomenon and it goes without saying that it is a way of false closure and not really overcoming the problem (Campo, 2007).

The experience of the person who has committed infidelity

On the other hand, the person who has committed the infidelity usually presents varying degrees of feelings of guiltHe knows that what he has done is morally reprehensible and he is facing the real consequences of his behavior, which are often unexpected (a usual protection mechanism while the infidelity continues is to minimize them).

The attitude in therapy is usually defensive, since he expects the professional to line up against him and anticipates that he will not be listened to and that his motives will not be taken into account.

Given that to sustain infidelity it is essential to lie, it is also common for him to present some kind of internal conflict about his own self-worth.. Obviously, he is the most likely to hide important information out of fear.

How to act in the face of infidelity

If the intention is to overcome infidelity, the recommendation is to go to couples therapy: although it may not be essential, the appearance of an external figure who can help to guide the process greatly facilitates things.

The couple's psychologist is a professional trained to deal with these issues without interference from his or her own moral codes. without interference from their own moral codes and, of course, without allying himself with either partner. This situation is quite common in the first visit, where one usually comes looking for a condemnatory "sentence" rather than a solution.

Some of the important keys to know how to act in the face of an infidelity and to face such a complicated situation are the following.

1. Clarify the demand and adjust expectations.

It is possible that there was some structural imbalance in the couple that neither has known or wanted to face. There may also be individual desires and needs that the relationship did not satisfy. Or that the couple's project is incompatible.

In all these circumstances it is essential to to clarify what is expected from the relationship in the future and, of course, to avoid and, of course, to avoid basing it on revenge or submission.

2. Foster a climate of sincerity.

In this sense, and following on from the previous point, it is important to avoid having hidden agendas; it is not uncommon, for example, to face couples therapy with the secret intention of breaking off the relationship, using it as an excuse to demonstrate the impossibility of a solution. It is important to be honest with oneself and with the other person.however painful it may be.

3. Listen and support the pain of those who have been deceived.

The fundamental need of those who have suffered an infidelity is to feel listened to, understood and to see their discomfort recognized. This often goes hand in hand with a logical hostility towards the other party, who may react by avoiding exposure to the consequences.

It is essential, however, to recognize the damage caused in its exact dimensionIt is essential, however, to recognize the damage caused in its exact dimension, to accept that it has been committed and to commit oneself to repairing it.

4. Replacing guilt with responsibility

For this, feelings of guilt must be replaced by a sense of responsibility. For the transgressor, to recognize it and to assume that he/she has acted unilaterally and without leaving the partner any margin of decision, being ready to initiate reparative actions. For the deceived, to overcome the state of victim and explore if there has been any kind of intervention (by action or omission) in favoring the conditions to reach this point.

When both become co-responsible for the relationship, it is possible to transform it for the better.it is possible to transform it for the better.

5. Deepen the meaning of the experience for the cheater.

Like his or her partner, the cheater needs to be heard, the cheater needs to be listened to. It is not an easy task to explore personal motivations, one's own doubts, needs, aspirations or weaknesses in front of someone damaged by your actions, but it is necessary to put into context what has led us there.

Infidelity may be related to individual or relationship shortcomings, but also to desires of exploration and search for a new identity (or an old one lost who knows when) (Perel, 2017).

6. Avoid diving into unnecessary details.

Although understanding the meaning of the affair is fundamental to the reconstruction, the tendency to want to know even the smallest details of it is pernicious.The fact that it does nothing more than perpetuate pain, anger and resentment. A habitual form of self-punishment that is very detrimental to the repair of the damage.

7. The unfaithful person has to appear as a protector of trust

The person who has broken the couple's pact is the main person in charge of rebuilding the broken trust.. A task in which he/she will be watched very critically, but no one said it would be easy.

Renouncing to maintain contact with the third person involved, as far as possible, should be a requirement. Showing loyalty and trustworthiness at all times as well.

On the other hand, any show of loyalty and willingness to regain intimacy is important to be positively acknowledged, even if it is not yet enough to fully trust. It is not going to be restored in a week.

Bibliographical references:

• David Rodrigues, Diniz Lopes & Marco Pereira (2016): Sociosexuality, Commitment, Sexual Infidelity, and Perceptions of Infidelity: Data From the Second Love Web Site, The Journal of Sex Research
• F.D. Fincham, Infidelity in romantic relationships, COPSYC (2016)
• Wang, W. (2017) Who Cheats More? The Demographics of Infidelity in America. Institute for Family Studies.
• Perel, Esther (2017) The state of affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper Collins Publishers: New York City.
• Campo, C. (2007) Infidelidad conyugal: Dificultades de manejo en la terapia de pareja. Propuesta de un modelo de intervención. Sistemas Familiares y otros Sistemas Humanos. Buenos Aires, 23- nº-2007.
• Stephen B Levine Co-director, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry (2005): A clinical perspective on infidelity, Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 20:2, 143-153