How to emotionally manage an infidelity

Overcoming infidelity requires acting both on oneself and on the relationship.

One of the major reasons for consultation of people who come to couple therapy is infidelity.. This phenomenon occurs with relative frequency in society, and couples increasingly come to the Instituto Psicode with this reason for consultation.

Discovering infidelity can have devastating effects on couplesThe discovery of infidelity can have devastating effects on couples: trust issues, jealousy, frequent arguments, reproaches, threats of separation, loss of communication, etc. It creates different relationship dynamics that destabilize the partners, the couple itself and even the family environment.

The challenge: overcoming infidelity

When a couple in this situation asks us for help, the crisis originated may even generate doubts about breaking the relationship. On other occasions, although they are sure they want to stay together, they are unable to get emotionally close to each other.. And it is here where the work of the professional comes in.

The psychologist is an expert, emotionally distanced from the problem, whose objective is to help rebuild trust in the relationship and the feeling of union and complicity that was broken by the infidelity.

The couple therapist has an objective view of the problem, does not make moral judgments or look for culprits. He or she analyzes the situation and uses scientifically proven techniques to help the couple.

Why are we unfaithful?

The causes of infidelity are very diverse. In recent research conducted by IPSOS, among the reasons respondents indicated were: to experience something different by having an affairTo get revenge for their partner's previous infidelity, to convince themselves that they really want to be with their partner, or to ignite a spark in their own relationship.

But the main reason they stated was "To gain self-confidence". This is the most important reason why people are unfaithful, more often than the boredom of the routine of a stable relationship.

In our society today, seduction and being liked by others is highly valued. Infidelity covers the need for admiration that many people have.. It helps them to be more self-confident and improve their self-esteem.

The game of seduction traps and hooks the person. At the beginning, the person starts the game of "fooling around", without thinking that anything serious is going to happen. But little by little he gets hooked on this dose of reinforcement provided by the other. He feels very good knowing that he likes and seduces and does not want to stop feeling it, for that reason he continues with the game, which becomes more and more addictive.

This reinforcement of self-esteem is not only generated by the reciprocity of the other, but is largely self-created. Seducing implies exhibiting the most beautiful part of oneself and this is where we fall into the trap: you get hooked on the feeling of being a "seducer", you bring out the best of yourself to captivate the other person and then "wham!" the crush happens, you charm yourself. It is a feeling that you had forgotten with your usual partner, because you no longer have to conquer it.

Latent love problems

On other occasions, we find infidelity as a means to an end. That is to say, it is through it, the way that the person has of expressing discomfort in your relationship.

There are couples who have problems and do not talk about them, because it seems that "if you do not talk about them, it is as if they do not exist". They distance themselves from each other over time and do nothing to solve it, they just let themselves go. The fact that one of the two people is unfaithful is usually the starting point to start talking about the problems and solve them. It would be something like "hitting bottom" to then resurface.

These people go to couple's therapy and their first reason for consultation is to overcome the infidelity, but this is only the starting point. When this is achieved and there is reconciliation, it is time to start working on all those aspects that were failing in the couple and that are the ones in the couple and that are the ones that have led one of them to be unfaithful.

"Will I be able to forgive an infidelity?"

This is one of the questions most often asked by people who have been betrayed when they come to therapy on their first day. They say things like: "I would like to forgive, but I don't know if I will be able to because I always promised myself that I would never forgive something like that".

It is normal to have doubts about whether they will be able to forgive and get everything back to the way it was before. Infidelity destabilizes the couple's relationship, generates conflictIt causes the loss of trust in each other and breaks the feeling of union and intimacy. Fortunately, all this can be recovered with the help of a professional.

The person who has been cheated on feels humiliated, betrayed and helpless in the situation. They usually feel a lot of anger, rage and feelings of revenge towards the other person and believe that these feelings will never change, so they feel that they will not be able to forgive.

All people are capable of forgiveness. Some people forgive easily and others find it more difficult. The ease of forgiveness is also related to what "the unfaithful" person does to be forgiven, the severity of the infidelity and how the infidelity was discovered (whether it was confessed or not). In the clinic we always encounter obstacles that prevent the reunion.

Moving beyond resentment

One of the key elements of couples therapy is to digest the resentment of the person who has felt betrayed, because while this emotion is in play it is difficult to move forward.

The sessions are not easy. It is not a matter of saying positive things to each other or remembering that we love each other and thinking that this will solve the problem. It is a much deeper work, of emotional unblocking, of adjusting beliefs, of setting up a new life.It is a much deeper work of emotional unblocking, of adjusting beliefs, of installing new interpretations to re-create the connection, so that resentment gives way to forgiveness and trust is installed again. Each session is different, in some sessions we work with both members of the couple at the same time and in others separately.

The final objective is to walk together again and for the couple to "reinvent themselves" after this crisis, so that at the end of the therapy, both feel that they have not only overcome the infidelity, but that they have healed past wounds and have grown as individuals and as a couple.

From the Psicode Institute, after 12 years of work helping couples, we encourage you to experience the benefits of couples therapy before deciding to break your relationship. 90% of the couples who come to us manage to save their relationship and are happy to continue together. If you are in such a situation, you will find the contact details of the Psicode Institute at this link.