How to improve self-esteem after a relationship breakup? 5 tips

Guidelines and recommendations to prevent self-esteem from being damaged after a relationship has ended.

Breakups can be traumatic. Two people who loved each other very much can go on to hate each other very deeply, highlighting each other's faults and saying things to each other that they will regret.

Others, on the other hand, may be more peaceful, but still the self-esteem of both lovers may be damaged. It is not easy to pretend to feel good after sharing a long time with a person and now he or she is no longer by our side. We feel incomplete.

We will now take a look at how to improve self-esteem after a long time together. we will see how to improve self-esteem after a breakupWe will see some tips and strategies to follow so that we do not sink emotionally or have a very bad view of ourselves after a separation.

How to improve self-esteem after a breakup in love?

Breaking up is a disruptive situation, one of the most stressful you can experience. When we break up, whether it is a relationship or a marriage, we enter a phase in which we have to readapt, now without the company of a person we loved very much.now without the company of a person we loved very much. In these situations it usually happens that the breakup is not peaceful and that before it happened there were several discussions in which both lovers highlighted all the flaws of the other, hurting him/her and making him/her feel bad. What can be said in these fights makes our self-esteem is affected.

It can also happen that the breakup has been calmer, in which both lovers have taken an adult and realistic stance, considering that the breakup was something inevitable and that it was better to do it in the most peaceful way possible. Both understood that each one had to go their own way, without hurting each other and without burdening each other. Even so, seeing the person who has been part of our lives for a long time leave does not feel good and awakens all kinds of questions, fears and fears of not being loved again.

In both types of breakups it is normal that during the first weeks we describe ourselves in a somewhat negative way, we compare ourselves with others in order to compare ourselves with them.We compare ourselves with others to convince ourselves of how unhappy we are to be alone and we are flooded with despair. We become even more overwhelmed when we see that the life project we had planned with that person is not going to be carried out, so we lose a little the direction of our lives without knowing exactly what to do.

All these feelings indicate that our self-esteem is at rock bottom and that the breakup is to blame for this. Fortunately, we can follow a few tips and strategies to recover from the separation, cheer ourselves up and move on.

What to do to improve self-esteem

Here's how to improve self-esteem after a breakup by following these tips and strategies.

1. Stop defining yourself in terms of your ex

Not even the most independent people are free from defining themselves in terms of their partners. It is normal that during the time we were dating someone we defined ourselves as "boyfriend/girlfriend of..." or "spouse of...". We were people with a partner, people who represented 50% of a loving couple, which influenced the way we felt about our relationship. which influenced the way we acted, spoke, dressed and even thought.

But now the situation has changed. That binomial is broken and the person with whom we defined ourselves is no longer there, no longer part of our lives and we are no longer part of theirs. That is why it is best to do away with any definition related to that person, that is, not to define ourselves as the ex of our ex-partner.

From now on we must be only ourselves, people who have their own qualities and a lifestyle of their own. Gone are the days when what we did and did not do was decided based on whether our partner liked it or not. Now we are free to plan our life and we should concentrate on discovering what we like ourselves, making it a priority.

By thinking about ourselves our self-esteem will be strengthened, especially as we get used to describing ourselves as independent people who live in the present and are not anchored to a past that, if it was once happy, is now over. It is sad to remember because we know that it will be very difficult for that person to return to our side, but we should rejoice because the future is not written, and now we can write it ourselves.

2. Avoid talking about the ex

There is a chapter of "Sex and the City" in which the protagonist Carrie Bradshaw is shown talking to her friends Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda in different scenes. In all of them she is talking about Mr. Big, her platonic love, with whom she has just broken up. She talks and talks about him, angry, a little sad and, also, thinking about how well she is doing to get over him. Evidently, she's not over him and her friends, fed up, decide to give her a wake-up call.

This is an example of what not to do after a breakup. Talking about our ex, whether for good or bad, involves remembering him and remembering the entire relationship, as well as the reasons that made it end. Because of this we will find it hard to forget many of the faults that were said in the tense discussions, as well as being very conscious that we have just been left behind.We are also very aware that we have just been left alone and we don't like that. So what we do is to reduce our self-esteem and suffer even more.

So the best thing to do is to turn the page and stop talking about our ex. The ideal is to apply the zero contact strategy, eliminating his number, removing him from social networks and avoid going to places where we know he usually hangs out, thus avoiding a "casual" contact. However, the zero contact technique will not work very well if we keep talking about him or her, since it is like "resurrecting" the ghosts of a past relationship.

We must not fall into the error that by talking about it we will get over the breakup more quickly.. At the beginning we have our right and it may even help us to unburden ourselves, but repeating over and over again the same story, which is still our vision of the breakup, is not going to help us. Nor should we think that the more people we talk to about the problem, the more opinions and perspectives we will receive and, therefore, we will be able to have a more objective view of the situation. It is a breakup, it is not objective, it is a love relationship that has not worked. Let's not give it any more thought.

3. Taking care of your health and appearance

Who has not seen the following scene in a movie or series? A man or woman has just broken up. He or she is sad, in bed. If it's a woman we usually see her in pajamas, with her makeup off or her eye shadow smeared, disheveled, eating a tub of ice cream, chocolates and wine. In the case of men it's not much different, only that they are unshaven, disheveled, wearing a leaky robe and prefer to binge on something salty, usually pizza, although the combo of ice cream mixed with beer can also be there.

It is perfectly normal to feel and behave this way after a breakup. We may spend a few days isolating ourselves from the world, not taking care of ourselves and simply trying to cheer ourselves up by resting and eating. However, as the weeks go by, this "funny" and pathetic scene becomes a clear example of a "bad breakup". becomes a clear example of a depressed person, who finds it hard to get out of a slump.who finds it hard to get out of a slump and needs help. For this reason, and as a preventive measure, it is essential to take care of our physical and mental health.

Health and self-esteem are closely related. The slackness of body and soul makes us feel worse, we cannot see ourselves in the mirror and we do not want to relate to other people, which is very problematic since the social sphere plays a very important role in our self-esteem, encouraging us and valuing us positively. It is no secret that how we are valued by others influences our personal satisfaction.

Since breakups are situations that can involve a lot of stress, it is more important than ever to take care of our health and well-being. it is more important than ever to take care of our mental health, especially by seeing a psychologist.. Also, if it has happened that when we were breaking up with our partner we did not go to some appointments with our doctor now is the best time to go.

We should exercise and watch our eating habits, making sure we lead a healthy lifestyle. We are what we eat and, therefore, we should not eat unhealthy foods that will harm both our physical and psychological health. It is essential to exercise to protect ourselves from problems associated with a sedentary lifestyle, such as obesity and diabetes.

Physical activity will help us to feel better about ourselves because, while physical exercise can help us feel better about ourselves, it can also help us to feel better about ourselves. Although physical exercise does not cure depression, it does act as a protective factor and gives us a sense of well-being by releasing hormones such as serotonin, endorphins and dopamine, which are like a neurochemical shot of happiness, pleasure and satisfaction. Sport will make us have a good physique and, although body image is not everything in this life, it certainly helps to have a very good self-esteem.

We must also take care of our appearance. Even if we are not going out, it is essential that we dedicate a few minutes a day to take care of our personal image. We have to shave, shower, put on makeup, comb our hair, apply creams and take care of ourselves in the many ways that exist so that the image we see in the mirror pleases us and, consequently, our self-esteem is increased. Self-esteem depends on how others see us and also how we see ourselves and how we like ourselves.

4. Less virtual life and more real life

Social networks are a double-edged sword.. On the one hand, they have certain benefits, such as meeting new people, keeping in touch with our loved ones and friends, and knowing what is going on in the world. On the other hand, they have the disadvantage that they are very addictive, making us waste a lot of time and, especially, run the risk of seeing our ex's profile, remembering the time we spent with him and imagining what we would be doing if we appeared in his last publication.

The idea is not to give up social networks altogether, but to restrict their use. The ideal is to stop using them for a while and use only instant messaging services or phone calls to meet up with friends, family and friends. This way we will avoid seeing the profile of our ex, compare ourselves with his new partner in case he has one and reduce our self-esteem because of it. It is also advisable to remove him/her from the list of friends.

Our self-esteem will benefit if we have less of a virtual life and more of a real life.. Let's try to focus on new activities by discovering what we think we might like and that we didn't do when we were dating for fear of not liking it or because we didn't have time. It is time to try a new sport, go for a walk, paint, read, meet with friends... There are endless possibilities and all of them can help us to expand our self-concept and improve our self-esteem.

5. Connect with ourselves

Now that we have broken up, it is difficult to avoid seeing it as if we have lost a part of our lives because, in reality, we have. Someone with whom we were probably planning to spend the rest of our lives has left our side. We can change the situation and see it as a huge weight lifted off our shoulders and we can connect with ourselves. we can connect with ourselvesLet's pay attention to what we want, listen to our desires and attend to our personal needs.

Now is the time to start personal projects that we could not start because the "couple" project monopolized all our attention. We can take a notebook and write down goals we have always wanted to complete, assess how likely it is to accomplish them and encourage a trusted friend or person to help us accomplish them. Whether it is writing a book, getting in shape, learning a language or anything else, both the process and its acquisition will improve our self-esteem by making us see that we are capable of many things.

Connecting with ourselves not only involves discovering what we want, but also knowing who we are. A very useful exercise at this point is to take a piece of paper and write down 5 positive and 5 negative characteristics of ourselves. The idea of this exercise is to improve our self-esteem by seeing the positive things we have, but without denying that, like any other person, we have negative points which we can work on to become better people.

Bibliographical references:

• Aragón, R.S. and Cruz, R.M. (2014). Causes and characterization of the stages of romantic grief. Acta de investigación psicológica, 4(1): pp. 1329 - 1343.
• Weissman, M., Markowitz, J., & Klerman, G. (2000). Comprehensive Guide to Interpersonal Psychotherapy. Basic Books.
• Blumer, M. L. C., Hertlein, K. M., & VandenBosch, M. L. (2015). Towards the development of educational core competencies for couple and family therapy technology practices. Contemporary Family Therapy: An International Journal, 37(2), 113-121. doi:10.1007/s10591-015-9330-1.
• Celano, M. (in press). Competencies in couple and family psychology for Health Service Psychologists. In Fiese, B. (Ed.), APA Handbook of Contemporary Family Psychology. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.