How to maintain good communication with our teenagers

Key ideas about what to do and what not to do when communicating with a teenager.

If there is a stage characterized by difficulties, misunderstandings, changes and challenges, that is adolescence.

In spite of the fact that during adolescence peer relationships are increasingly more important than relationships established with parents, they are still important and constitute a fundamental factor in the creation of one's own identity and help redefine parental-filial roles within the family (Tesson and Youniss, 1995).

In recent decades, much research has been carried out to find out what factors influence good parent-child communication. good parent-child communication in adolescence (Cava, 2003). (Cava, 2003).

That is why it is important to know which are the best strategies to communicate, since it will depend to a greater or lesser extent on what kind of relationship we establish with our sons and daughters in this important stage.

How to communicate effectively with our adolescent children.

To communicate is not to impose. To communicate is to exchange information, and to communicate in an effective way represents that the other person has received our information and that we have received theirs, both parts without contradictory messages, ambiguous and where mutual respect prevails.

A very common mistake that is made during the communicative act is to have an inadequate objective.. That is, trying to communicate something with the aim of getting the other person to give in to our information; not being clear about our objective or having contradictory objectives at the same time.

What are the main failures in communication?

These are some common failures in the communication process.

1. Shouting

There is little point in trying to establish a proper conversation if we raise the volume and tone when we speak. When someone shouts at us, it is easier for us to act defensively, so it is not the best way to communicate.This is not the best strategy to achieve good communication.

2. Imposing/Blackmailing

One of the most common mistakes we make when having a conversation with our sons and daughters is to impose our "will". If what you are looking for is to try to reach agreements with your child the worst thing you can do to achieve this is to use phrases such as "I don't care what you say", "that's the way it is and that's it".You will do what I say", "you won't do that", "if you do that you will see...".

Judging/criticizing 3.

If there is one thing teenagers agree on, it is that most of them feel judged by their parents, or they are worried about being judged and therefore tend to avoid certain topics of conversation or prefer to lie instead of telling the truth. For this reason, it is important that when they are expressing It is therefore important that when they are expressing themselves, we try not to judge themWe should show an open attitude to dialogue and make them see that it is normal to make mistakes on certain occasions (remember that you did it too).

4. Not listening

Another common mistake is not listening. Stop to listen to them and try that if this is not the best time for you, you can postpone the talk for later, showing your child that what he/she wants from you is the best time for him/her.showing your child that what he/she wants to tell you is important to you.

5. Not empathizing

It is essential that we try to understand our children's emotions and thoughts if we want them to feel comfortable talking to us. One of the most common mistakes we make is to think only about what we want or what we think is best for them, without considering what motivates them to act in a certain way or what they need at that moment, without considering what it is that motivates them to act in a certain way or what they need at that moment..

So, what can we do?

Something obvious would be to do the opposite of everything we have just mentioned: empathize, listen, understand and speak with a good tone and volume. But let's focus on the following strategies:

1. Negotiate

Establish a dialogue in which to negotiate. If there is one thing that does not usually work with adolescents, it is imposition. You forbid them to do something and they seem to want to do it even more, so it is important to reach agreements.

There will be times when we have to deny requests, but we will not always do so, or we can try to reach intermediate agreements.. Remember that in order to negotiate there will be times when you will also have to give in.

2. Be open-minded

We must be flexible to negotiate and to be able to agree on certain issues. This will make them feel more comfortable and more willing to communicate with us. Also It is also important to show that we can be flexible with our own ideas..

3. Model

How can we expect our children to talk to us about their concerns and feelings if we don't do the same? If we are communicative from the beginning, explain how our day went, what our worries are, and explain what worries us, it will be much easier for them to do the same.

Why is good communication so important?

As shown by Cava (2003) in his study on family relationships, there is a positive relationship between adequate family communication and greater psychosocial well-being of the adolescent. Specifically, greater openness in communication with parents is related to greater self-esteem and less depressive mood..

Adolescence is a difficult stage and is usually the one in which the greatest conflicts arise, especially due to the fact that adolescents increasingly prefer greater autonomy and parents do not always agree with this (Smetana, 1989). Despite this, as Musitu et al. (2001) state, family relationships are a fundamental aspect of adolescent well-being (Cava, 2003).

If you are an adult and want to improve the relationship you have with your child, or if you are an adolescent who does not know what to do to communicate effectively with their parents, you can request an appointment at our Mariva Psicólogos center in Valencia. To see our contact details, click here.

Bibliographical references:

• Cava, M.J. (2003). Family communication and psychosocial well-being in adolescents. Proceedings of the VIII National Congress of Social Psychology, 2003, Vol 1(1), 23-27.
• Musitu, G., Buelga, S., Lila, M. and Cava, M.J. (2001). Family and adolescence. A model of analysis and psychosocial intervention. Madrid: Síntesis.
• Smetana, J.G. (1989). Adolescents' and parents' reasoning about actual family conflict. Child
• Development, 60, 1052-1067.
• Tesson, G. and Youniss, J. (1995). Micro-sociology and psychological development: A sociological interpretation of Piaget's theory. In A.M. Ambert (Ed.), Sociological studies of children (Vol. 7, pp. 101-126). Greenwich, CT: JAI.