How to soothe a friend when he or she needs you

Being there for someone when a friend needs you is not always easy. Here's some advice.

Friendship is not just about partying together, sharing the same sense of humor, having similar hobbies or complimenting each other's clothes. Having a friend is also about being there for each other in bad times..

A good part of the added value of having friends is that it is these people who, in bad times, can be more successful in encouraging and comforting the other: they have a common history, they have references that you both know, and above all they are more likely to know the emotional tone that is needed at that moment. In other words, they can act as a psychological scalpel to help remove what generates discomfort.

In this article we will talk about just that: how to comfort and soothe a friend in need, either because they are sad or experiencing anxiety.either because he or she is sad or experiencing anxiety.

Tips to calm a friend going through bad times.

First of all we must take into account that both the causes of the discomfort and the effects that this situation has produced can be very broad, and what we should do will depend on the way in which we adapt to these circumstances. Mainly, these causes and effects of possible distress are divided into two categories: sadness, with depressive or near-depressive symptoms on the one hand, and anxiety, on the other.

Episodes of sadness are characterized by the following:

• Crying.
• Search for relative solitude.
• Pessimistic interpretation of the past, present and future..
• Increased ideas about oneself that undermine self-esteem.
• Perception that the world is a cruel and merciless place.

On the other hand, episodes of anxiety go hand in hand with the following:

• Agitation and constant movement..
• Search for a discreet place, somewhat secluded or isolated.
• Pessimistic interpretation about the future.
• Increased compensatory behaviorssuch as binge eating or tics or manias (touching the nose, the hair...).

How to calm a friend who is feeling sad

When it comes to calming a friend who is going through a moment of sadness is going through a moment of sadnessfollow these guidelines.

1. Do not trivialize the reason for their emotional pain.

This is a mistake that is often made, and consists of trying to convince the other person that he or she should not really be so sad. The only flaw in this is to make that person feel more isolated and that no one understands him or her, since denying feelings makes no sense.

Instead, assume that even if you don't quite understand the cause of their pain, you are there for them, you are there for whatever he or she needs..

2. Breaking the isolation

Do not force the other person to go out to a place where there are more people or more activity, even if it is to "cheer them up". The person who is sad is where he or she wants to be, and you should respect that. However, what we can do is to break their emotional isolation (as long as he/she does not tell us otherwise) is to make it clear that he/she is counting on us.

This will have to be communicated in a clear way, but without capturing the limelight. Something as simple as saying it literally will do, but it must also be demonstrated by arguing, for example, that the same thing happened in past crises. In any case, it is not necessary to go overboard.

3. Offer unconditional companionship

If the other person is willing to have you by his or her side at that moment and you do not really know why he or she is sad, you can ask him or her to explain, but if he or she does not want to, do not insist. The important thing is not you, but that someone you intend to help. Make it clear that you are there to accompany your friend and try to help as much as possible, not out of commitment or curiosity.and not out of commitment or curiosity.

4. Seek physical contact, but not suddenly

If it is possible to physically touch the other person, it is good to do so.. However, it is not advisable to do it suddenly, as this would go against the emotional attunement. It is better to do it when you have already made some progress in the previous steps.

5. If you give advice, do it as a friend, not as a technician.

In cases where it is appropriate to give advice, do not give it as a specialist in the subject, ignoring the emotional state of the other person and transmitting instructions. In moments when we are sad, we do not obey these logics, because we lack courage and strength.

Instead, give advice as a friend would. In other words, by putting the spotlight on your emotional state and how you want to feeland offering avenues of help, not perfect, ideal solutions from what the theory books dictate.

How to calm an anxious friend

When it comes to comforting a friend who is experiencing an anxious situation, here are the guidelines.

1. Act so that it is centered

The attention of the one who suffers anxiety must pass of the worry for the future to the taking of conscience on the present.

For it, if one is having a very intense crisis, it is advisable even to physically grab that person and try to make eye contact with younot only so that the activation of the body produced by the movement prevents him/her from focusing, but also so that he/she knows that there is someone who supports him/her. In cases of less intense anxiety, simply establish eye contact and ask them to pay attention to what we are going to tell them.

2. Appeal to have a constructive attitude

Next, since we have already acted on her body by making her stop moving and direct her eyes towards our gaze, we act on her ideas. What you have to say is that even if you notice that the situation seems to overwhelm you, you can do something about it and, to do so, you have to give up thinking about it all the time, We have to give up thinking about catastrophic predictions all the time..

3. Wait for the situation to calm down a bit and draw up a plan of action.

The previous steps will help the friend to calm down a bit, but they will not eliminate his or her worries at the root. To do this, you need to provide a "mental alternative" to his or her tendency to make predictions, which means that provide a plan of action, even if it is a simple one..

This action plan should be composed of very concrete actions and deadlines, so that these milestones attract all the attention of that friend and he or she does not get used to thinking obsessively.

4. Perform an imagination exercise

Now that you have a plan to follow to solve the problem as far as possible, you can finish the job by having him or her associate that sequence of actions with the problem. by having him/her associate that sequence of actions with a positive state of mind..

To do this, talk about what will happen if he follows these guidelines faithfully and without skipping deadlines: the situation will be much better than the present (and of course, than the future he imagined, but this is implicit and you should not remind him so that he does not think about it again). For example, if the anxiety is produced by an oral presentation in front of many people, imagine the classroom with its audience and your friend giving a successful talk, maintaining the interest of the audience. It is important that it is a reasonable and credible situation.