I depend too much on my partner emotionally: what to do?

There are those who are enslaved by their relationships, how can they get out of this stagnation?

For many, love is a mystery. Some see it as a feeling that moves the world, while for others it is a never-ending principle. Since childhood, princess stories teach us that love is the greatest desire of every woman, because only then will they live happily ever after.

The truth is that behind the variety of meanings we give to love, there are misconceptions about it. about it, which leads people to develop what is popularly known as toxic relationships.

Currently, emotional dependence affects a third of couples in Mexico, according to Dr. Noemí Díaz, head of the psychological services of the Faculty of Psychology of the UNAM; so this condition occurs in both women and men. For this reason, it is common for many people to have a recurring concern in their minds: "as far as I am concerned, I am not going to be able to do it". a recurrent worry: "in the emotional thing, I depend on my partner in excess"..

Dependency in relationships

The word dependent means that it hangs (pendant), as a kind of ornament. On the other hand, when we say that we have something pending, it implies that there is something that is incomplete or unfinished, which means that a person with emotional dependence is one who hangs on another and is emotionally incomplete..

In emotional partner dependency, also known as codependency, the person is so dependent on his or her partner that he or she perceives the relationship as the only means of personal security. In this type of relationship, one is usually the "strong" one and the other the "weak" one. The latter tends to manipulate the relationship through his need for his partner. While the strong person's need is to be indispensable, according to Melgosa (2008).

The person who manifests the need for the other is the bearer of a personality prone to addictions, so that his partner represents the "drug"; even the absence of this can cause a withdrawal crisis, so that there is a fear of abandonment.

In order to avoid separation, everything is forgiven and tolerated, despite the fact that the person does not want to leave.even though the person is not at ease with the relationship because of constant arguments, being a victim of abuse, etc. As if that were not enough, she no longer considers her own needs because she seeks to satisfy those of her partner; her intention is that her partner needs her, that she depends on her, because she is the closest thing to affection.

There are times when attempts to be needed do not work, so the next step is usually to provoke pity. The person uses phrases such as: "I love you so much and you don't love me", "after all I have done for you, and look how you respond to me", etc. This is also known as emotional blackmail.

To the extent that the person remains trapped in this type of codependent relationship, he/she will lose his/her identity, since his/her behavior reflects the ideas: "without you I am nothing", "I cannot live without you", "neither with you nor without you", etc. Therefore, Bucay (2010) refers that in a codependent relationship there is no love, there is need, dependence, and that is not love.

How the problem originates

As mentioned above, emotional dependence involves being emotionally incomplete or unfinished. This is due to an emotional lack or lack of affection in childhood on the part of the most significant people: parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, or the person closest to the child.

This usually occurs in families where one or both parents worked a lot and were distant even when they were at home; homes where the father, mother or guardian believes that he or she is fulfilling his or her job by filling the child with toys. It also happens at the other extreme, with overprotective parents or guardians, where there is excessive attention or protection but few expressions of affection.

However, the lack of affection can also be caused by the death of one or both significant others, divorce, or having been a victim of domestic violence. The key is that in the child's life there have rarely been hugs, kisses, expressions of affection, if not never. All this generates insecurity and low self-esteem..

Thus, growing up, the person enters into a constant search for social approval, always trying to please others to avoid rejection even at the expense of his own dignity. Perhaps as a child he learned that in order to be loved one must meet the expectations of others, just as at the time he tried to meet the expectations of those significant people.

Finally, at the moment of choosing a partner unconsciously follows the same pattern, as if choosing them on purpose, which means that the person with emotional dependence is generally attracted to those with a narcissistic personality who in the relationship play a dominant role; while the other person adopts the submissive posture seeking to please in order to receive love.. In this way they complement each other producing a toxic or codependent relationship.

I depend on my partner: what can I do to solve it?

If you find yourself trapped in a codependent relationship and you really want to get out, here are some rescue strategies:

1. Seek professional help

The first step is to be aware that you have a problem. Maybe your relationships haven't worked so far, but on the other hand you can't stand being single. Remember that only you are responsible for yourself, so start taking charge of yourself by seeking psychological help. The psychotherapist will help you take care of those incomplete emotional needs..

2. End that relationship that hurts you

You have two options: to continue suffering for love or to recompose the way retaking the bases: to work on your self-esteem as your most important project, to heal the wounds of the past and to find the well-being that you deserve.

It probably sounds easy, but it's a process in which you have to go step by steponly that way your future relationships will be different. But it all starts with a decision.

3. Learn to be alone

Set aside some time to be alone with yourself, doing activities like going to a café, a restaurant, a movie, etc. Learn to enjoy occasional solitude. Have an appointment with the best company, yourself. The others are just passing through.

In addition, recognize your resources to find solutions to everyday problems, recognize your resources to find solutions to everyday problems.. Trust your judgment.

4. Write yourself a letter of reconciliation

This is a symbolic activity in which you make a recount of what you have gone through in your previous relationships and do not want to go through again, because you have made the decision to leave it behind and start over.

It is important that you include in the letter that forgive yourself for the bad decisions that have hurt you.. Make a commitment to yourself that your well-being will be your priority from now on and that you will protect yourself from anything that could hurt you. Finally, once you finish the letter, read it out loud and keep it so that you can access it in times of weakness and remember your commitment to yourself.

Get back to healthy activity

Exercise, join a gym; make healthy eating changes; take up your favorite hobbies; go for a walk; travel. These are just a few examples that you can put into practice to get your life back on track, focus on what you love and regain self-confidence.

Loving yourself as a solution

Love in relationships starts with oneself.. When you don't have love for yourself, the only thing you can offer is dependence, because you need the attentions of the other to be happy. On the other hand, when each member of the relationship enjoys a healthy self-esteem, there is no room for dependence, because both are emotionally complete.

Love as a couple is knowing that you can be happy without each other and vice versa, and yet you choose each other. So love is for them something positive, wonderful, without the need to suffer.

Bibliographical references:

• Bucay, J. (2010). The Path of Self-Dependence. Mexico City: Océano exprés.
• Fiz, J. (October 10, 2017). Aleteia. Retrieved December 26, 2018, from Aleteia: https://es.aleteia.org/2017/10/10/la-dependencia-emocional-de-pareja-comienza-en-la-ninez/.
• Guerri, M. (2017). Psychoactive. Retrieved December 26, 2018, from Psicoactiva: https://www.psicoactiva.com/blog/la-codependencia/.
• Melgosa, J. (2008). Cómo Tener una Mente Sana. Madrid: Safeliz.
• Sanchez, C. (February 15, 2018). El Nuevo Herald. Retrieved December 26, 2018, from El Nuevo Herald: https://www.elnuevoherald.com/vivir-mejor/en-familia/article200003319.html.