Love cannot be a sacrifice

There are people who fall into the trap of assuming that love equals infinite sacrifice.

The belief that love is made up of compromises and love is made up of compromisespacts that we establish with the person we love in order to give stability to the relationship. This is normal and healthy; after all, if we care about someone, it is only natural that we give them guarantees that the emotional bond exists and that we take it seriously. Loving in words is very easy, and what matters are the facts.

However, not everyone succeeds in delimiting the nature of the commitment that should exist in their relationship. In some cases, the purpose that this type of pact should have is confused, and instead of being a means through which to consolidate the relationship, it becomes the objective of the relationship, what gives it meaning. That is to say: becomes a constant demonstration of sacrifices and the degree to which we are willing to suffer for the loved one. and the degree to which we are willing to suffer for the loved one.

This belief, which seems absurd when explained in this way, is more frequent than we think. In fact, it is the pillar on which the traditional conception of romantic love is built. How can we recognize those moments when we confuse reasonable sacrifices with the simple intention of whipping ourselves?

Love and sacrifices

Let's just say it: falling in love doesn't come for free. From the beginning it opens the possibility that we suffer a lot for the other person, even before this feeling is reciprocated (and even when it will not be reciprocated).

When the love relationship is consolidated, the possibility of going through bad times is still very close: everything that has to do with moving away from that person for a long time, or seeing him or her having a bad time, is something that produces a clear discomfort. Moreover, in order for the fit of coexistence between the two lovers to occur, it is also necessary to give in on many things.

Perhaps for that reason, because love relationships are not characterized by being comfortable but by being intense, some people decide, unconsciously, to add even more intensity by means of suffering, which is the easiest way we have to make us feel something.

Mixing that minimum of discomfort produced by relationships with the possibility of the possibility of adding enormous amounts of discomfort manufactured by ourselves is a way of making that love story seemingly more meaningful, more justified.

Of course, this tendency to make love synonymous with sacrifice is totally toxic, even if it is hard to see it first hand. Unfortunately, this logic fits very well with old ideas about marriage, so it often goes unheeded because we assume it is normal. Why does this happen?

The origins of sacrifice: the family

In psychology there are very few things that are not related to context, and love is no exception. Love is not something that just pops into our brains when we see another person: it is a consequence of the way in which several generations that have lived before us have learned to manage those intense emotional bonds that arise from falling in love. And, for the majority of people, this way of managing this emotion has to do with marriageA way of managing resources and organizing people with a small community in mind.

In practice, love had to be experienced in a way that went hand in hand with the mentality necessary to maintain the family, and this has to do with personal sacrifice. Until very recently, resources were scarce, so anything that could be done for the welfare of the other was justified and welcome. The rare thing was not to give up everything in favor of the familybut to live as autonomous and free people.

When two things are always given at the same time, they usually end up being indistinguishable, and this is what happened with love and sacrifices. If we add to this the fact that the prevailing machismo turned the woman into the husband's property, so that he had to look after her and she had to do everything the master of the house wanted, the result is not strange to anyone: the normalization of relationships of emotional dependence. After all, most of the time our emotions accompany our actions, and so does the need to constantly sacrifice for the other.

Common efforts, not punishment

The patriarchal model of living together has long been the target of all kinds of criticism, and for the first time it is possible to live without having to depend on the family unit. There is no longer any excuse to live love as autonomous and self-sufficient persons, which implies making sacrifices go from being the motor of affective relationships to being a consequence of adopting reasonable commitments. a consequence of making reasonable, pragmatic compromises.with a pragmatic sense. To do otherwise would be to fall into the trap of dependency.