Mindfulness for couples: secrets to improve your relationship.

Keys to apply the principles of Mindfulness to improve your love relationship.

These are difficult times; in the midst of the COVID-19 crisis, the tensions that affect us are reflected in all areas of our lives, and relationships are no stranger to these tensions.

Luckily, Mindfulness (also called Mindfulness) can be a great help to avoid this kind of wear and tear in the love relationship.

How could Mindfulness help us to improve the couple's relationship?

When it comes to any topic related to couples, the title of Philippe Caillé's book comes to mind, One plus one is threein which he implies that when dealing with couples we have to talk about each of its members, but also about the relationship itself..

Thus, the relationship is that third element that arises from the confluence of two minds, two brains, two bodies, two biographies, that come together, with the complexity that this entails.

We will follow Dan Siegel's proposal, as it will help us to see what aspects of the relationship can be improved by incorporating the Mindfulness approach.. This author, in his book Mindsightspeaks of integration as the way to be able to unite differentiated elements of a system and is the direct way to harmony in the couple. The development of integration involves the following elements.

1. Paying attention to the difference

It does not consist of the other person being as I had thought, or as I would like, but to respect his/her ideas, beliefs and customs.

2. Harmony and flexibility as opposed to rigidity or chaos.

The author speaks of the river of integration as the flow of an integrated system; in front of the two banks of the river, chaos and integration, the two extremes into which couples can fall.

Rigidity would mean the couple's rigidity, the loss of illusion... and chaos could be identified with the absence of a common story in the couple, a continuous improvisation....a continuous improvisation...

We can deduce that the couples who let themselves be carried away by the river of integration are happier than those who fall into the two opposite poles...

3. Developing the couple's awareness

Through techniques derived from mindfulness, we will be able to grasp more accurately the state of the relationship, the reactions of the other partner, and to develop kindness in the relationship..

4. Horizontal integration

If communication is based on domination/submission schemes it is clear that the couple will not flow, and that this power imbalance can seriously contaminate the relationship. Again, gentleness or loving kindness, metta, is the perfect antidote to this dynamic.

5. Interpersonal integration

The development of the "we" rather than the "I" will provide us with a sense of partnership whose scope is very valuable: developing our resonance circuits allows us to feel the inner world of other people, the partner in this case, and being incorporated into the world of another person makes us feel happy.

Guidelines for meditating

In our practice we have been able to observe how if Mindfulness is developed properly and is worked together with the couple, it is very useful in couples who are stuck in conflicts.In couples who struggle with rigid patterns of defense or others who are prone to chaotic outbursts of disillusionment, learning to detect the states of reactivity generated by the "flight or attack" system and bringing the nervous system to the receptive state necessary for a true and lasting connection will provide the necessary harmony.

By integrating the tools of Mindfulness, accepting the differences of each of the members, the hostility that often characterizes dysfunctional relationships can be lowered and a new life of passion and compassion can be embarked upon. as it fosters integration within the couple and of the couple.

Whether you have practiced Mindfulness meditation or you are a newcomer to this field, we suggest that you develop your attention; for this, the three-minute meditation is a wonderful resource that you can put into practice at any time of the day: for example, in situations in which you notice that you are upset or with emotions that take over you. This meditation has three distinct parts, as we will see below.

1. Welcoming

We begin by surrendering our weight to gravity, paying attention to the parts of the body that are in contact with the ground.. In this first part we will pay attention to any bodily sensation we notice, we will pay attention to what emotion is acting in us and what are the thoughts going through my head. Whatever happens we accept what is.

2. Breathing

We bring our attention to the breath, without modifying anything.Without waiting for anything, we perceive how we breathe: if it is superficial, if it is more abdominal... we can make the exhalation last a little longer if this brings us calm. And we rest in the breath.

3. Return to normality

Little by little we open our consciousness to the sounds of the outside world.We begin to move some part of the body, to incorporate ourselves to what we were doing, but in another way.