My partner has depression: what can I do to help her?

How can we help our partner when he/she has depression? Here are some tips.

Relationships involve an important commitment. That is why, in case our romantic partner is affected by any circumstance, it is natural to provide the necessary support to overcome the situation he/she is going through.

This is something that is clear to many people when facing a certain thought that comes to their mind: "my partner has depression, what can I do to help him or her?".

In this article we will look at some useful tools to offer support when a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife has depression, we will briefly review what this mental disorder is and distinguish state depression from trait depression.

What do depressive symptoms consist of?

Depression can be defined as a mental disorder that consists of intense and prevalent states of sadness and lack of motivation (abulia).. If a person has depression, it is most likely that his or her partner (if he or she has one) will notice in his or her daily attitude that something strange is going on.

It is important to establish whether it is a depressive state, which would be temporary, or if on the contrary we are in the presence of a depressive trait, which indicates that the behavior associated with depression is more prevalent over time. In any case, this kind of evaluation can only be done by a mental health professional..

My partner has depression: what do I do?

When it happens that our partner has depression, the situation is complex, but it must be clear that the problem can be overcome; no one is predestined to suffer emotionally indefinitely. Of course, it is necessary to proceed as soon as possible and with professional help. And the fact is that although here we see several advices, everything passes to go to psychotherapy.. Depression is a severe psychopathology that must be addressed by mental health experts, there are no "shortcuts" that allow skipping this step.

In addition, it is necessary to determine whether it is a matter of specific depressive states or if the behavior is persistent, although ultimately it is the therapists who make the diagnosis.

Here is how we should proceed as someone whose partner has or may have depression.

1. Do not downplay the issue, understand that it is an illness.

We must avoid underestimating our partner's state of mind. The thoughts and feelings that afflict him or her are not a whim and should not be seen as personal attacks on others, even if their consequences are harmful to others. These symptoms may be due to both organic and social causes.

2. Keep in mind that although it may not seem so, your partner needs you.

The symptoms of depression can make it seem that we are indifferent to our partner, but this is not true. We must understand that their behavior responds to the symptomsWe should not distance ourselves from her, especially when she feels vulnerable.

3. Offer active listening

In most cases, just being there for that person is a great support. Our partner needs to vent his or her emotions freely.We must make them feel comfortable telling us what is going on.

4. Do not put pressure

We must be careful with the words we use when our partner presents a depressive condition, there are phrases that can be counterproductive. The best thing to do is to propose clear activities, avoiding phrases such as "be calm" or "you have to get over it", which can sound like a demand and a call to do nothing to feel better. may sound like a demand and a call to do nothing to feel better..

5. Put yourself in the other person's place

This refers to providing as much empathy as possible, keeping in mind that things that are easy for you may be complicated for your partner. For example, shopping or preparing a meal at home is often a challenge for someone with depression, due to lack of motivation and energy.

6. Don't blame yourself for what you suffer

As mentioned above, it's not your partner's fault that he or she is depressed, and it's not your fault either. Don't think that their behavior is due to personal reasons related to you. or for which you are the person responsible. Depression is beyond the control of those who experience it directly and their close circle.

7. Avoid creating false expectations

We must keep in mind that the solution will not come overnight.. It is a personal and gradual process, in which our partner must realize and deal with the situation at his or her own pace. We should not rush looking for easy or quick solutions, as this will only cause more frustration.

8. Stay close

Let your partner see that you care about her, show her that despite her situation she can count on you and that you are there to support her, without becoming invasive or demanding. Simply support her with your understanding and companionship.

9. Relieve emotional tension

Try to serve as a way for him or her to drain the pressure and tension that the depression and tension generated by depression and family, academic or work situations. that may be triggers for more intense depressive episodes. Try to lighten that burden on your partner.

10. Avoid reproaches

Do not reproach him for not wanting to get out of bed, or for his lack of appetite. Remember that he is the victim of a symptomatology that concerns the functioning of his nervous system. Encourage the change from assertiveness and not from the claim, which is counterproductive in these cases.

11. Encourage her to seek help

Without being a requirement or an imposition, we can make our loved one interested in seeking professional help.. Explaining the benefits and telling her that therapy can help her get better are good ways to do this.

12. Congratulate him/her on his/her progress

On the occasions when your partner makes efforts to overcome depression and achieves his or her goals, however small they may seem to someone who is not going through it, congratulate him or her and show them that we also recognize this milestone.

13. Accompany her to therapy

Attending therapy with our partner has an important meaning in terms of the support component we provide. We can be part of our partner's support team (as a new patient taking her first steps in therapy). (as a new patient who is taking her first steps in therapy), which includes family members, the therapist and, if necessary, the psychiatrist.

Of course, psychological therapy should be an essential part of the recovery process for people with depression. It is not an accessory help, it is one of the fundamental pillars of mood improvement, and a support that contributes significantly to the cessation of symptoms, even the most severe (such as suicidal ideation).

Therefore, someone who wants to help a partner with depression must act on two fronts: accompanying the loved one at this time in his or her life, and helping him or her to commit to the therapy and to apply the indications of the mental health professionals who are in charge of monitoring the treatment.

Final recommendation

Finally, it is important to emphasize that the situation through which our partner with depression is going through does not have to be permanent. As the crisis came, it can go away, although there are usually some after-effects (at least as far as emotional memory is concerned).

Many times, when the person does not know what to do in a situation, is when depression occurs. It is not enough to help her to solve this situation, it is necessary to provide her with the tools so that she has the ability to to solve by herself the situations that provoke her negative feelings.. This is what we work on during therapy. But, at the same time, it is not necessary to leave that person alone, since in that state he/she will not be able to overcome and see a hopeful way out.

Bibliographical references:

• American Psychiatric Association (2014). DSM-5. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. Madrid: Panamericana.
• Davey, C. G.; Yücel, M; Allen, N. B. (2008). The emergence of depression in adolescence: Development of the prefrontal cortex and the representation of reward. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews. 32.
• Mann, J. J., Waternaux, C., Haas, G. L. et al. (1999). Towards a clinical model of suicidal behavior in psychiatric patients. Am J Psychiatry, 156: pp. 181 - 189.
• World Health Organization. ICD 10. (1992). Tenth Revision of the International Classification of Diseases. Mental and Behavioral Disorders: Clinical Descriptions and Guidelines for Diagnosis. Madrid: Meditor.
• Saravane, D; Feve, B; Frances, Y; Corruble, E; Lancon, C; Chanson, P; Maison, P; Terra, JL; et al. (2009). Drawing up guidelines for the attendance of physical health of patients with severe mental illness. L'Encéphale. 35 (4): 330-9.(1): pp. 1 - 19.