Overcoming an infidelity: the 5 keys to get over it

Is it possible to forgive after your partner has been unfaithful?

Many couples wonder if it is possible to overcome an infidelity after learning of the involvement of a third person in their relationship, but the answer to this question depends basically on the reestablishment of the bond of trust between the two and the degree of affectation of this, because in some cases it is permanently damaged and separation is the best solution for both.

Disappointment is the most frequent emotion linked to infidelity.The deception is the most frequent emotion that is linked to the infidelity, because the knowledge of being deceived produces an accumulation of negative feelings towards the partner that consequently degrade the image that we had until the moment of him or her, and to return to restore it is not always easy nor viable.

Can a relationship be repaired after infidelity?

Although infidelity is a complex subject to study, among other things because of the different cultural dynamics that exist in human societies and its implications for the way love and affective relationships are understood in different countries, research focused on this phenomenon shows that the couple crises to which it gives rise do not have to put an end to a courtship or marriage, nor do they have to prevent these relationships from functioning from that moment on. do not necessarily put an end to a courtship or marriage, nor do they necessarily prevent these relationships from functioning thereafter..

This is due, among other things, to the fact that a crisis due to infidelity does not have to reveal personal needs or fundamental elements of the personality of the one who has been unfaithful. In the same way that there are a series of previous behavioral patterns that lead to infidelity, it is possible to intervene in those behavioral patterns and in the aspects of the context that have led to that situation, and "deactivate" them. No one is unfaithful by nature, but being unfaithful is learned, and everything that is learned can be unlearned.

Of course, this does not mean that in practice the best option is always to do everything possible to stop someone from breaking the rules of mutual commitment that exist in a couple's relationship; sometimes the best thing to do is to break off the relationship, and in fact, no victim of infidelity should feel guilty for deciding to break up with the other person. However, it is worth knowing that not in all cases it is impossible for the relationship to move forward..

The context in which the infidelity has developed is as important as the infidelity itself, since a one-time slip on a specific occasion is not the same as a temporary alignment in which relationships have alternated with a third person behind the partner's back. The latter would imply a contact beyond a simple affair in which there has been an exchange of feelings and therefore, a premeditated action of the person involved towards the deception that is much more difficult to forgive, being greatly affected mutual trust.

How to overcome an infidelity: keys to get over it

Occasional adventures are not determinant to know if an infidelity can be overcome, although these cases imply a stimulus in the actions that generally tends to be spontaneous and thoughtless in which the consequences of the acts have not been measured. The deceived person can also lose confidence in your partner if, after what happened, you do not feel if after what has happened you do not feel confident that this thoughtless action could happen again.

What are the important aspects of moving forward when you have suffered an infidelity? Let's look at them.

1. Sincerity

Sincerity on both sides is always the best way to face any problem that could happen in the couple, because in the case of infidelity, there are many conditioning factors that can lead to seek an external stimulus in personal relationships, and although this is not a justification for taking such measures, the to be sincere with the other could favor the work in common on the weak points of the relationship or that the other considers defective or that the other considers defective in order to correct them and reach a mutually satisfactory agreement.

2. Explore together the meaning of infidelity.

Not everyone has to experience and perceive an infidelity in the same way. In fact, it is quite normal that, at first, the couple's crisis is not seen in the same way.

For example, it is not uncommon to realize, in situations like this, that everyone's definition of the term "infidelity" is different.For many, it is not limited to physical encounters. Talking about it helps the perpetrator to be more aware of the damage he/she has done.

However, keep in mind that the fact that someone becomes aware that the other person has a broader concept of "infidelity" than yours is not in itself the end of the crisis, nor does it make the pain that your partner feels and has felt any less real, and that you have to work to show that you are capable of maintaining that commitment and repairing the damage caused.

2. Allow time for reflection

Leaving space for the other person is also a necessary aspect to know if an infidelity can be forgiven, since the initial reaction to the deception is usually one of rejection and repulsion for the one who committed it, a response that is induced by the clash of realities represented by the contrast of the image of the partner (often idealized) that is projected in the subconscious, which the conscious mind has to face when we see that things are not as we thought.

3. Knowing the reality

Exposing the facts and knowing the details of the problem is part of the recovery process to find out if an infidelity can be overcome and at this point, it is essential to be as sincere as possible on both sides avoiding entering into sordid details that do not contribute to reestablish the bond of trust.The same applies to comparisons about the intimacy maintained between the couple and the third person in question.

4. Breaking up (sincerely) with the third person

Breaking off relations with the third person (i.e. with whom one has had a physical or non-physical intimate encounter and who transgresses the rules of mutual commitment of the couple's relationship) is necessary in all cases in which there is an infidelity, even if this has occurredHowever, when this has occurred occasionally, it is probably not necessary because most of these situations tend to occur in relaxed environments such as parties and with strangers with whom you usually do not have contact again.

5. Avoid environments that may create discomfort

If the third person involved is someone from the couple's close circle, it may be necessary to make some changes in the relationship, it may be necessary to introduce some modifications to the common routine. such as a change of friends or job, in order to avoid tense situations that induce to recall what happened, preventing to turn the page in a vicious circle of blame and reproaches.

Starting from scratch

To overcome an infidelity is, in part, knowing how to rebuild the relationship on the basis of trust.. Therefore, once the couple has exposed the situation and discussed the issue at length, leaving aside initial resentments, it is necessary to make it clear that if they give each other a second chance, they are starting from scratch through a commitment made by both parties, which implies that the person who has been unfaithful is consistent with the opportunity that is being given and will not make the same mistake again.

But the other party must also must also make the effort to continue without looking backAvoid at all costs to mention what happened and avoid accusations or reproaches, because one of the main problems that couples often face after having lived this kind of situations is the classic "I forgive but I do not forget".

This can induce one of the parties to permanently remember what happened, giving a humiliating treatment to their partner as a way of "revenge", which can lead to psychological abuse. and this can lead to psychological mistreatment and that the affected person usually accepts because he/she thinks he/she deserves it, producing an exchange of roles in which the "victim" becomes the victimizer, possibly because some of the previous points were skipped or were not reinforced as they should be, although in cases where those involved are unable to establish the zero starting point as an anchor, separation would be an option to contemplate in order not to prolong the suffering.

Bibliographical references:

• Atkins, D.C.; Baucom, D.H.; Jacobson, N.S. (2001). Understanding infidelity: correlates in a national random sample. The Journal of Family Psychology, 15(4): pp. 735 - 749.
• Beck, J.G.; Bozman, A.W.; Qualtrough, T. (1991). The Experience of Sexual Desire: Psychological Correlates in a College Sample. The Journal of Sex Research, 28(3): pp. 443 - 456.
• Christensen, A.; Atkins, D.C.; Yi, J.; Baucom, D.H.; George, W.H. (2006). Couple and individual adjustment for 2 years following a randomized clinical trial comparing traditional versus integrative behavioral couple therapy.J Consult Clin Psychol, 74(6): pp. 1180 - 1191.
• Díaz Morfa, J. (2003). Prevención de los conflictos de pareja. Editorial Desclée de Brouwer, Colección Biblioteca de Psicología.
• Thornton, V. & Nagurney, A. (2011). What is infidelity? Perceptions based on Biological sex and personality. Psychology Research and Behavior Management, 4: pp. 51 - 58.