Overcoming Resentment: 7 Key Ideas

The feeling of hostility directed against someone can become a problem.

Emotions can lead us to react quickly to situations that require an urgent response, but, paradoxically, they can also anchor us in the past if we do not know how to manage them well.

The case of resentment is the clearest example of the latter: through it, a past experience is able to keep us reliving over and over again the feeling of annoyance that we once lived, but that in reality we should not have to be suffering in the present.

In this article we will see several keys about how to overcome resentment, reorient our emotions and stop feeling frustrated about something that is no longer important. by something that no longer has the importance that we give it.

Overcoming resentment, step by step

Here are some keys to understand how to overcome resentment. However, we must not lose sight of the fact that each case is unique and we must know how to adapt these ideas to the way we live. and we must know how to adapt these ideas to the way we live in a given context and at a given time. in a given context and at a given time.

1. Delimit the reason for your resentment

The vast majority of times when resentment is experienced, it is directed towards a specific person or group (regardless of the size of the latter).

Therefore, the first step in dealing with this psychological phenomenon is to detect against whom we are directing this hostility. This may take a matter of seconds in some cases, but sometimes it is a complex matter, especially when it is the one against whom we adopt a hostile attitude. when the thing against which we adopt negative attitudes is something rather abstract..

In any case, identifying this element will help us to undo this hostile dynamic as quickly as possible.

2. Note the negative consequences of feeling resentment.

The main reason to let go of resentment is to stop hurting oneself.

It is important to keep this in mind, because if we do not do this, we will have the paradox that the fact of fantasizing about the humiliation or defeat of the person we believe has hurt us is something that keeps us submerged in a state that makes us suffer, in a way that we give that other person more power over us than he/she would normally have..

Therefore, stop to think and make a list of the negative consequences of feeling the way you feel when harboring this antipathy towards someone, without forgetting that time is also an aspect to take into account: the longer we prolong this phase, the longer the damage will last.

3. Assume that accepting is not forgiving

Sometimes forgiveness is virtually impossible, or so complicated that the cost of trying outweighs the possible positive consequences in terms of effort and time. So think about the difference between forgiveness and acceptance.

In order to deal with a person or have them around on a daily basis, it is not necessary that they are our friend, that we can trust them or that we can trust them.We don't need to be able to trust them or like them. Accepting that some people are not meant to play an important role in our lives is necessary to overcome the resentment that in some cases we may harbor against someone.

4. Don't let zero contact enslave you

Sometimes, getting away from a person is good to overcome the first phase of anger, but this stage should not be prolonged too long if we do not want the negative consequences of seeing our freedom as an enslavement. the negative consequences of seeing our freedom restricted. When it comes to moving, it becomes one more source of discomfort and resentment.

5. Learn not to take it personally

Not taking something personally does not mean ingratiating yourself with someone and assuming that they did not mean to hurt you. Indeed, the world is full of people who, given the right conditions, may mean to hurt us, but that doesn't mean we should make light of their intentions.

If we take a detached perspective, we will see that events only matter if they are events only matter if we give them importance, and that unless we give them importanceUnless we give prominence to those who offend us, we can make what they think of us or the fact that they are trying to make us uncomfortable unimportant.

6. Assume that people are not perfect

Finally, we will save ourselves many moments of anger and resentment if we learn to accept that making mistakes is not in itself a reason to make enemies with someone, even if it has significantly negative consequences for us.

Life is not perfect and everyone has moments when their strength fails them or when they make the wrong decisions. If that causes us frustration, that's one thing, but it doesn't mean we should blame someone for making a mistake.

7. Change your lifestyle

Even if we have very valid reasons for resenting someone or a group of people, the one who is most harmed by this situation is ourselves.

Therefore, knowing how to overcome resentment is not so much an act of assessing whether we have reason to blame someone for something bad that has happened, as it is an act of turning the page and focusing on ourselves. an act of turning the page and focusing on other aspects of life. that we find more stimulating.

And since it is very difficult to think differently doing exactly the same thing, it is important that you modify certain things in your daily life. New hobbies, new friendships, new places.... All this will allow you to close one stage of your development and move on to another in which the past does not limit you so much and you can look back without discomfort dominating you.

Bibliographical references:

• Jeronimus; et al. (Jan 2018). "Frustration." In Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T.K. Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. New York: Springer. p. 1-8.
• Martin, Courtney E. (2014). "The Violence of Humiliation," On Being, September.
• Reber, A.S., & Reber, E. (2002). The Penguin dictionary of psychology. New York: Penguin Books.
• Szasz, P.L.; Szentagotai, A.; Hofmann, S. (30 November 2010). "The Effect of Emotion Regulation Strategies on Anger". Behaviour Research and Therapy. 49 (2).