Psychology of love: how our brain changes when we find a partner

How can we understand the phenomenon of love from the point of view of behavioral science?

Romantic love is one of those phenomena that have inspired many philosophers, and has been the main theme of many films and novels. And although its complexity causes great difficulty in studying it, everyone has experienced at some time in his or her life this strong feeling that directs all our senses and drives us to be with the loved one.

In fact, recent research concludes that love is a drive and a motivation rather than an emotion. It makes us feel that we are on top, but it can also lead us to self-destruction if we don't know how to manage disaffection correctly.

Undoubtedly, the psychology of love is an interesting subject, and in this article I will talk about the chemistry of love and the importance of culture and expectations when it comes to falling in love..

The psychology of love and its relationship with drugs

Until just a few years ago love was treated as an emotion, but although it may seem like one at certain moments, it has many characteristics that differentiate it from these (emotions).

Following the studies of Helen Fisher, an anthropologist, biologist and researcher of human behavior, the scientific community gave more weight to the idea that love is an impulse and a motivation, since the results of her research confirmed that two important areas related to motivational behaviors are activated: the caudate nucleus and the ventral tegmental area (VTA), both regions highly innervated by dopaminergic neurons and related to the repetition of pleasurable behaviors such as sex or drugs.

But the complexity of love is not limited to these two areas of the brain.. According to the conclusions of a study led by Stephanie Ortigue, from Syracuse University (New York) and published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, up to 12 areas of the brain are activated and work together to release chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin, noradrenaline or serotonin.

Love modifies our brain and induces changes in our central nervous system, as it activates a biochemical process that starts in the cortex, leads to intense physiological responses and produces a great feeling of euphoria (similar to some drugs such as cocaine), although it also has an effect on the intellectual areas of the brain and can affect our thoughts. In other words, when we are not in love.... we are high!

• This same research proved that, depending on the different types of love, different areas related to the reward system (in which the ventral tegmental area is located) and some higher cognitive functions are activated. You can learn more about the different kinds of love in our article: "Sternberg's triangular theory of love".

From the madness of infatuation to the rationality of love

Love has aroused much interest in the scientific community. Some research has focused on analyzing the phases of love, although discrepancies have often arisen among experts. For John Gottman, author of the book Principa Amoris: The New Science of Love, romantic love has three distinct phases that appear sequentially, just as people are born, grow up and grow old. These phases are: limerence (or falling in love), romantic love (bonding) and mature love.

Not everyone goes through these phases, because from the process of the intense chemical cascade of falling in love, it is necessary to give way to a more consolidated love characterized by a deeper trust, where more rational decisions have to be made and more rational decisions have to be made.It is a process where more rational decisions must be made and where negotiation becomes one of the keys to building a real and loyal commitment.

Hormones and neurotransmitters related to infatuation and love

Some researchers have tried to find out what exactly happens in our brain, what neurotransmitters and hormones are involved in this phenomenon and why our thoughts and behavior change when someone conquers us.

Dr. Theresa Crenshaw, in her book The Alchemy of Love and Lust, explains that not just anyone can make us feel this magical sensation, but when falling in love happens, then, and only then, does the cascade of neurochemicals of infatuation burst forth to change our perception of the world.

In a nutshell, the most important hormones and neurotransmitters involved in the process of falling in love are as follows:

• Phenylethylamine (PEA)is known as the molecule of falling in love, and when we fall in love, this substance floods our brain. It produces a stimulating effect and the feeling of "being on a cloud."
• Noradrenaline (norepinephrine).: is a catecholamine that has a great influence on mood, motivation, attentional focus and sexual behavior.
• Adrenaline (epinephrine)is similar to norepinephrine in both structure and function. It could be said that from a functional point of view there are no differences between the two, except that the function of adrenaline is predominantly outside the central nervous system (although it also acts inside as a neurotransmitter).
• Dopamineis the main neurotransmitter related to pleasurable behaviors and their repetition. It is involved in drug use and addiction, gambling, and love and infatuation.
• SerotoninSerotonin: Serotonin is known as the "happiness hormone" and high levels of this substance are associated with positive mood, optimism, good humor and sociability. Research has shown that in heartbreak there is a large drop in this neurotransmitter, which can lead the person to obsession and even depression.
• OxytocinOxytocin: also called the "hugging hormone", it is involved in the creation of close bonds with a partner. It helps to forge permanent bonds between lovers after the first surge of emotion, and by hugging, kissing or making love we are favoring the release of this substance.
• VasopressinIt is known as the hormone of monogamy, and is also present in the attachment between mother and child. It is released accordingly with proximity and touch, and promotes a strong emotional bond. Theresa Crenshaw, in an attempt to explain its function, says "Testosterone wants to party, vasopressin wants to stay home," in reference to its attenuating influence on the sexual desire of individuals. In short, it promotes more rational and less capricious thinking, providing stability.

When love breaks down: what happens?

While there are social factors involved in falling in love with one person or another, there is no doubt that falling in love and love, when it ends, can cause serious problems for the person who is still in love.

Due to natural selection, a brain evolved in humans to maximize reproduction and, therefore, the non-extinction of the species, where the neurochemicals of happiness evolved to promote reproductive behaviors. This, which has had a major impact on our evolution, causes that when couples break up, we have to fight against our emotions, instincts and motivations..

The conclusions of a study by the Albert Einstein College of Medicine make it clear: "in heartbreak, just as when a person is addicted to a drug, the consequences of addiction are so strong that they can lead to severe depressive and obsessive behaviors". When the union with a person has been very strong, it takes time to weaken the neural circuits in which the love chemicals are involved, and as with a drug addict, the best way to overcome it is zero contact (at least in the early stages and whenever possible).As with a drug addict, the best way to overcome it is zero contact (at least during the early stages of the breakup and whenever possible).

In fact, psychologists who are experts in love recommend "all or nothing therapy", since falling out of love is not a linear process (there can be relapses) and acceptance can take time. Some people experience it as a stage of mourning, and we must not forget that we are getting used to being without the person we love and with whom we have shared special moments.

Love: more than just chemistry

The neurochemicals of love exert a great influence on the behavior of the person in love.However, we cannot forget that social and cultural factors and education play an important role when it comes to falling in love.

Culture often defines our tastes when it comes to finding a partner, and the choice and attraction usually fit with our mental schemes and our idea of the world and life. It is true that when we have the person we like in front of us, we get excited and the love chemicals do their job. However, the origin lies in our expectations, which are molded by our mental schemes and are often fed by the concept of love that we have seen on television or in the movies. It is difficult to imagine a millionaire in love with a homeless man or woman.

As for falling in love, as anthropologist Helen Fisher explains, "no one knows exactly why it happens. We do know that a very important cultural component is involved. Timing is also crucial: you have to be willing to fall in love. People tend to fall in love with someone close to them; but we also fall in love with people who are mysterious."

Mature love and cultural influence

As for mature love, according to Robert Epstein, a psychologist at the American Institute for Behavioral Research and Technology: "Cultural practices strongly influence how people seek and develop love, and the key is compatibility with mental schemas, that is, sharing a similar view of the world". Epstein thinks that "in cultures where people marry with an irrational view of love promoted by the media in mind, they have serious difficulties in maintaining the relationship, in part because they often confuse love with infatuation. This is not a situation conducive to having a long-term relationship."

Love has to do with beliefs and values, and falling in love is a series of chemical reactions produced in different brain regions that make us have an idyllic perception of a person.and falling in love is a series of chemical reactions produced in different brain regions that make us have an idyllic perception of a person. Epstein assures that "older people, beyond the age of having children, sometimes have a partner for more practical reasons". This suggests that over the years we can educate ourselves to have a much more realistic view of what it means to have a partner.