Sara Navarrete: "Couple crises can be opportunities for change".

From Valencia, psychologist Sara Navarrete reveals what couple therapy is like.

We have the pleasure of talking with Valencian psychologist Sara Navarrete. Navarrete has an intense career as a therapist, and has defined her professional career mainly by assisting couples in times of crisis.

Because, in fact, couple therapy is one of the great unknowns and we often ignore how it works and what are the key points when dealing with a tense marital situation, helping each member to know each other better and to improve in certain communicative and relational aspects.

Interview with Sara Navarrete: couple's therapy and its key points

Having attended more than 500 cases of couples who wanted to improve their relationship, we wanted to ask Sara Navarrete some frequently asked questions about this type of therapy.why it is useful and to learn more about your experience in this field.

Bertrand Regader: In what sense is the logic of couples therapy different from that of therapy for individual patients?

Sara NavarreteIn order to answer this question, we have to understand the myth of the better half. The myth of the better half, defends that the couple wants nothing more than to be together. This myth implies that we have a soul mate out there dancing around and that we have to find him or her in order to become a complete being again.

Actually, this idea of the better half conveys an unrealistic image of what a partner really is, without taking into account the damage it does to self-esteem to consider that we are incomplete if we do not have a person by our side. Therefore, the first step in couple therapy will be to differentiate between love and emotional dependence.

In the first instance we will try to contextualize that a couple relationship is not based on the relationship between two incomplete beings that unite to create a complete being, but rather, it is based on two complete beings that decide to be happy next to each other, it is something that is built on a day to day basis. Therefore, answering the question, we see that in couple therapy a third entity appears (the couple), we work with the "you", with the "I" and the "we".

While in individual therapy we work with the patient from "you" to "you".

What are the main types of problems that are treated in couple therapy? Is it possible to recognize major sources of discomfort?

It is very important to keep in mind that each person and each couple is a world, so each person and each couple has different and very personal conflicts, we will have to spend some time getting to know the different circumstances that involve each couple. However, it is true that we can recognize several sources of discomfort or most frequent couple problems.

The most common reasons that lead to a crisis in the couple are the birth of children, problems in sexual relations, problems in communication, etc. We could summarize some common sources of discomfort in the following points:

• Exhaustion of the relationship due to fatigue (living together instead of strengthening the relationship, makes it more difficult).
• The presence of a third person.
• Conflict of interests (family, economics, illness).
• Social differences (educational and cultural).
• Incompatibility of characters.
• Falling out of love.

From your experience, are there differences in the type of complaints expressed by heterosexual men and women during these kinds of sessions?

Over the years, I have come to realize that although, as I said before, each couple is different and each couple has different complaints and resources to deal with crises. It is true that there is a common dialogue that is repeated in many couples. In general, for heterosexual men who come to the consultation, part of the conflict could begin with the fact that they feel that their partner is not sexually attracted to them, since the frequency of sexual encounters is not what they would like.

On the other hand, we see that in heterosexual women it is of utmost importance to feel listened to and understood, and they do not pay as much attention to sexual encounters.

Are there times when a small change in attitudes brought about by therapy leads to great improvements in the relationship in a matter of a few days?

Yes, when the couple meets certain requirements, we see that in an average of three to four sessions a great change can be produced. For this, it will be necessary that the couple has a low level of conflict, that is, although there is conflict, the number of negative interactions is at least equal to the number of positive ones, it is also important that there is commitment and a high level of friendship. When the couple recognizes the problem before it escalates and the couple seeks professional help, these are usually short sessions.

What types of individuals or couples tend to respond more favorably to this treatment?

There are many reasons why a couple responds favorably to treatment, but the most important is the acceptance of the fact and the avoidance of distortion on both sides. It is considered that a couple with problems must meet the following requirements for treatment to be favorable:

• Recognize themselves as a couple with problems or that at least one member of the couple perceives this.
• That the rate of negative exchanges is equal to or less than the rate of positive exchanges.
• That the couple presents problems in different areas (social areas, communication, sexual relationship, etc.) but does not present problems of compatibility of characters.

And what kind of beliefs or attitudes act as an obstacle to progress in couples therapy?

The most important thing for the therapy to be successful is that both partners make the decision together, that both recognize the problem and are focused on solving it.

On many occasions I have encountered couples who believe that there is no problem or that the problem is really an individual problem of their partner and as such must be treated individually by their partner. This makes couple's therapy difficult because, on the one hand, we will have to dedicate some first sessions to carry out a correct framing of the treatment.

What important idea about couple therapy would you like people who are reading this to keep in mind?

I would like to convey the idea that crisis is often synonymous with change, we live in a society in which it is difficult for us to make an effort and be patient with the process of change and without realizing it we tend to give it a negative connotation. If we understand couple relationships as linear relationships, where I always have to enjoy, feel in love and with butterflies in my stomach... If we understand the couple as a space where there is no room for crisis or change, then it will be difficult for us to overcome the couple's crisis.

Day by day I see how many couples come out of a crisis stronger, so if you think your relationship is worth it, I would encourage you to work on it.