The best tools to enhance assertiveness

Key ideas to strengthen assertiveness, the ability to communicate our opinions and interests.

Assertiveness is the ability, which we can all develop, to express an opinion, desire or need without attacking the other person.

When we relate to others, there are many situations in which we have to say no, set limits or show disagreement. To do so, it is necessary to recognize our emotions and express them correctly, without doing violence to others. In this article we want to talk about the tools that help to develop a more assertive communication.

In Avance Psicólogos we have observed that most of the times we hesitate more, when it comes to say no to others, in situations where we have to respond to someone aggressive, and when asking for favors, so we want to focus on these aspects and develop them, but not before understanding why it is difficult for us to be assertive and try to find out how assertive are you?

Difficulties in being assertive

Sometimes we have the impression that saying "no" to someone can generate a conflict or the rejection of our interlocutor, and it is not necessarily so. At other times, mistrust prevails, and we think that we have to defend ourselves against others and "put them in their place" almost constantly. This attitude generates many misunderstandings and people in our environment shy away from us. for fear of feeling assaulted or offended by us, which results in a tense and stressful coexistence.

In Avance Psicólogos we place special emphasis during therapies on this aspect, and we take care to give priority to develop this tool, as we are aware that a good control of assertiveness is vital to reduce anxiety and improve self-esteem. The feeling of happiness and well-being increases significantly when our relationship with others is no longer conflictive..

The continuum of assertiveness

Communication between people can be seen as a continuum in whose center and balance is assertiveness. At both ends are the modes of communication that we should avoid: submissive communication and aggressive communication.. Before reaching these extremes, there are degrees and nuances, but let's develop these concepts that can clarify which side of the continuum we are on.

When we develop in passive or submissive communication, we have real difficulties in expressing our opinion or defending our rights. Saying "no" becomes a real trauma and we have a hard time asking for favors. Fear of rejection and conflict greatly influence us to stay on this side of the continuum. These fears are often determined by early experiences in which we have been punished or rejected for expressing ourselves. Sometimes domineering parents or experiences of rejection at school are behind submissive communication.

At the opposite extreme, aggressive communication is based on the belief that others must be put in their place.This belief system, also usually built in the early stages, leads to the use of high and defensive tones of voice, disqualifications during conversation and impositions. This belief system, also usually built in early stages, leads to the use of high and defensive tones of voice, disqualifications during conversation and impositions.

At the center of the continuum is assertive communication, which is characterized by trying to express ourselves in different situations in a clear and non-aggressive way, trying to take others into account without forgetting ourselves. This is the most appropriate communication to understand ourselves with others, avoiding conflict, but facing our fears to express our opinions and express our rights. Achieving assertiveness is the starting point to develop a good self-esteem..

Many people are not at the extremes, in fact, most of us manage in intermediate degrees without reaching them, but even so, each of us has a certain tendency towards one side or the other. Moreover, not in all areas of our lives do we move on only one side of the continuum, We can be very assertive at work, but submissive with partners and friends, or the other way round..

Normally, the closer we get to the extreme end of the continuum in one area of our life, the more we need to compensate by jumping to the other. This explains those situations of "I put up with it, I put up with it and in the end I explode with the one who least deserves it and at the most unsuspected moment".

Hence the importance of getting closer to assertiveness in all of them, to improve our relationships and have a greater sense of control of our emotions. This greatly influences self-esteem and the decrease of anxiety.

Tools to be more assertive

Next, we will delve into the aspects in which it is most difficult for us to be assertive, giving concrete tools for assertiveness.

Saying "no" is probably one of the responses that we find most difficult to give to others. Many people accumulate large doses of stress due to the inability to say no and the need to please. But if we know how to do it and we understand that others are not going to stop "loving us," nor are they going to get angry because we say no, it will be much easier for us to begin to manage this response in our communication with others.

The first thing to do is express the no, without hesitating too much. If you do not do so, you will end up being ambiguous and you can generate mistrust.

Secondly, give an explanation so that the other person does not feel rejected..

And thirdly and lastly, you give an alternative only in case you consider that the other person deserves it.you want to and you can. This point is important in order not to establish relationships in which there is an imbalance between the giver and the receiver, since over time they generate stress and resentment.

Some examples:

"I won't be able to help you, I'm busy that weekend. If you want, we can leave it for the next one" (when we consider that the other person deserves an alternative, as long as we want and we can).

"I won't be able to help you, I'm busy that weekend" (when we consider that we don't want to give the other person an alternative, either because we can't or because he/she doesn't deserve it).

How to stay assertive in the face of someone aggressive

Being assertive with someone aggressive is especially useful, although it is also more complicated, because the other person's response is less predictable. Even so, it is worth knowing how to be assertive on these occasions and to have the peace of mind that your intention has been, at all times, to move from respect, regardless of how the other person chooses to react.

Next, we will describe some of the tools we can use when the other person is more upset or aggressive:

1. Extinguishing

Extinguishing the other person's response refers to responding without reinforcing, changing the subject or leaving the conversation, trying to use a friendly tone so that the other does not feel ignored. so that the other person does not feel ignored.

Two examples of this would be: "I understand..., well... I'll leave you because I have a lot to do now", "it is clear that we do not think alike and we do not have to convince the other, what do you think if we do not give it more importance and leave this conversation for when we are calmer"?

2. Ask to be more specific

The aggressive person has a special tendency to generate insecurity in the other person through accusation or emotional blackmail, but most of the time this is done in vague and vague terms.but most of the time he does it with vagueness and without concreteness. Therefore, it is important to ask him to be specific, so that we have the opportunity to defend ourselves more fairly. Example: "I don't understand what you mean by not doing my job, can you tell me exactly what job you mean, on what specific aspect of the project so far, you are unhappy?

3. Fog bank

With this tool, we try to lower the tension by putting ourselves in the other person's place and recognizing their part of reason, but defending our point of view. Example: "I know you tell me this with your best intentions, and I recognize that sometimes I find it hard to work as fast as you do, but I believe that at my pace I do well and that I try to do a good job".

4. Scratchy record

When someone wants to get something from us, and insists without listening to our "no", being invasive, this tool is recommended.being invasive, it is advisable to use this tool, which consists neither more nor less than repeating our message in a respectful but immovable tone. Example: "I thank you for the proposal, but it is not convenient for me to go on an excursion this weekend (...), I understand your interest, but it is really not convenient for me this weekend (...), yes, yes, but it is not convenient for me to go on an excursion this weekend".

5. Mirror

Occasionally it may be convenient to show the other person that he/she is getting too upset or that he/she is disrespecting us. or that he/she is disrespecting us. Examples: "I think you are not being aware of the tone you are using to talk to me", "please do not shout, you can tell me the same thing, but with a different tone".

How to make requests?

It is common to find people who find it particularly difficult to ask others for favors, either because they are afraid of being annoying or imprudent, or because they are afraid of a "no", or because their self-demanding nature makes them afraid of appearing vulnerable. Behind this difficulty there is often a fear of appearing weak, with the belief that "one has to be able to handle everything".

In these cases it is a question of expressing what we needWe are aware that we have the right to ask and the other person has the right to say no, but we have to assume the risk of a "no", and understand that this does not mean that the other person is rejecting us. Examples: "I'm going to need your help, will you lend me a hand when you can, "I love your dress, would you lend it to me sometime?"

Empathize by asking.

We can always express our need without the other person feeling obliged, showing our empathy without ignoring our need. An example of this would be, "I know you're really busy, but could you give me a hand when you're done, I understand it's not the time, but it's important to me that we talk about this when you're rested."

Getting angry assertively

Anger is a common and even necessary emotion.It provides us with the need to withdraw from our environment at certain times, or to set limits for others when necessary. Many people are afraid of getting angry and hold it back because they fear rejection from the other person or because they believe that getting angry is being aggressive. Nothing to see, we can get angry, and very forcefully, without the other person feeling assaulted.

Subjective assertiveness

This tool consists in expressing our feelings, making the other person see that we put ourselves in his place, thus lowering the tension, but making our need very clear.but making our need very clear.

• The first step is to express my emotion.
• Secondly, I specify what and why it has bothered me.
• Thirdly, I empathize by putting myself in the other person's place.
• And finally, I express what I need.

Examples: "the truth is that I am very hurt by the tone in which you have spoken to me, I understand that we are both very nervous, but I do not want you to speak to me in that tone again", "I am very angry right now, you have not warned me that you were not coming and I have been waiting for you for more than an hour; I can understand that you had a lot of trouble and you forgot to warn me, but now I do not want to continue talking, I need to be alone".

With this way of communicating our displeasure, the other person can understand what is happening to us and will also be aware of what we need in the future. will be aware of what we need on future occasions.

Getting angry assertively does not consist of shouting or making bad faces to generate an effect, on the contrary, the challenge is to control the tone and, from the calm, express our emotions.

Bibliographical references:

• Castanyer Mayer-Spiess, Olga. Assertiveness: expression of a healthy self-esteem. Desclée de Brouwer, 1996.
• Ellis, Albert. Manual de terapia racional emotiva. Desclée de Brouwer, 1992.
• Kelly, Jeffrey. Training in Social Skills. Desclée de Brouwer.