The emotional impact of a breakup

The arrival in our lives of a breakup brings with it significant alterations.

Even before we are born and up to the moment we die, we spend a lifetime establishing and breaking bonds with the people in our daily environment. However, some of these relationships are so intense that their fading has strong psychological repercussions. What is the emotional impact of a breakup?

The establishment of emotional bonds

As gregarious beings that we are, people relate and interact with others to communicate what we feel or what they transmit to us at a given moment, to make requests, to debate, to share activities, etc. In any case, some of the relationships we establish involve a greater emotional intensity than others.This is the case of our parents, our closest friends, or our partner.

These types of bonds are characterized because they provide (or we expect them to provide) a high degree of emotional security. In other words, there is a high level of trust in the other person, which means that we feel more confident in the other person.This means that we feel more able to share with him or her not only our strengths, but also our weaknesses. This is especially significant when we find a romantic partner, as this person will have the possibility to get to know us in multiple facets of our lives, with the "pros" and "cons" of our way of being. For this reason, Robert Sternberg spoke of three elements that he considered crucial for a couple to be able to speak of full love: intimacy, passion and commitment.

Intimacy refers to the communication in the relationship, what is said, the management of conflicts, and the activities that are shared, that is, the intention to spend quality time with the other person. Passion, on the other hand, refers to the more strictly sexual component, to the physical contact that occurs in the couple due to the attraction that exists between the two, and to the search for such contact with the other as a moment of union not only physically, but also psychologically.

Finally, commitment is a determining factor in that it is related to the will of both partners to maintain the relationship over time. It is the joint life project, in which one is present for the other in any medium and long-term planning.

The wear and tear of the couple's relationship

We have mentioned which three elements are key to the optimal functioning of a relationship, but we often find that some (or several) of them are not happening in the right way in a couple.

Absent or not very assertive communication, poor conflict managementThe most frequent problems in couple relationships are lack of communication, little or no respect between the parties, lack of sexual activity, or a doubtful commitment to the relationship. In fact, there is often a "cascade effect" which means that when one element fails, it is very likely that the others will be affected by it. For example, if communication has been inadequate in the relationship for some time, it is very likely that this will affect the sexual sphere and, therefore, the intention to continue as a couple in the medium or long term.

When difficulties appear in the relationship, the members of the couple or marriage can try to solve them with their own resources and strategies or, being very overwhelmed, with the help of a couple psychologist who can serve as orientation and offer them guidelines to improve those aspects that are indicated as deficient. In those cases in which both partners are willing to collaborate with what the psychologist can propose, the therapy process is very fast and effective..

However, there are situations in which the resources of the relationship are exhausted, the search for help is too unilateral (by only one of the parties) or comes when the couple has been so engrossed in their problems that it has worn out one or both members emotionally. In these cases, the most common is for the couple or marriage (or one of them) to agree or propose a breakup/separation, so that each can continue with their lives independently and individually overcome some of the difficulties experienced while they were together.

The emotional impact of the breakup

In those situations where the existing bond has not been sufficient to solve the problems of the relationship, the feeling of loss will lead to a process similar to a mourning processThe emotional impact of the breakup will be felt until the person comes to terms with the breakup.

It is very likely that feelings of frustration, helplessness and anger will appear when the situation has not been resolved, especially when a considerable effort has been put into it. Also, the breakup implies a modification of habits and routines. since, most probably, there was a "habit" of functioning in relation to the other, so that an adaptation to change is required that not only involves emotional aspects, but also of thought and behavior.

In addition, when there are children involved, the separation or breakup extends the need to adapt to change to them as well, who often find themselves fluctuating weekly between one parent and the other and, frequently, also "dragged" by the power games that may be established.

How can psychologists work with these cases?

Although it is not frequent, it is possible that an ex-partner may come to the psychologist for advice on how to better manage their separation, that is, to facilitate the process for both of them. With a proactive attitude on the part of both, once again the intervention becomes a much more agile process with good results.

However, it is more likely that the ex-partner/ex-marriage will seek psychological help when minors are involved, due to the need for external guidelines that will allow them to handle the situation in the least conflictive way possible. In these cases, it is essential for the psychologist to explore with the ex-partner how they functioned in terms of communication, interaction, cohabitation and care of the children when they were together, and how they functioned when they were together, and what is their goal to achieve when they are separated.

It is important to delimit with both of them what they intend to achieve with the therapy process, since they are going to work to be a team of caregivers, even when they are separated. Listening and empathy should be encouraged, facilitating a safe environment in which respect for both parties and the main goal of achieving an emotionally healthy environment for children. When we achieve this, we are guaranteeing a very favorable evolution in parenting styles, and a higher level of well-being for both adults and their children.