The human being as a social animal: benefits of assertiveness

Assertiveness is the engine of our social life, because it allows us to negotiate points of view.

It is well known that the human being is a social animal. However, the ramifications of this famous phrase by Aristotle are more complex and intertwined than a superficial analysis of it might suggest.

Working in society is a characteristic that gives us an adaptive advantage as a species, and is responsible for some of humanity's proudest achievements, such as writing and economics. However, it is also responsible for its deepest shame, such as war and poverty.

At a more everyday level of analysis, living in society involves relating to other people. involves relating to other people, sometimes known, sometimes unknownsometimes known, sometimes not, sometimes loved, sometimes not. However, as has been established in this introduction, human beings are social beings, so we had better learn the rules of the game if we want to take advantage of this advantage that natural selection has taken so many centuries to grant us. In this respect, the so-called social skills have a lot to say.

The power of social skills

Social skills, if they can be defined at all, are behaviors aimed at facilitate communication between two or more people. There are as many as there are theoretical models, but the most important is what we know as assertiveness. The paradigmatic example to illustrate the functioning of this social skill is the following.

Let's suppose that someone orders a rare steak in a restaurant and the waiter serves it practically charred. One option would be to just eat it, it won't be bad either and we avoid bothering the waiter and kitchen staff. This first response would be classified as "passive"..

Another option would be, taking advantage of that precious moment when we know we are right and we are in that position of authority that being customers gives us, to dump all our frustrations and bad decisions of our life on the innocent waiter, making sure that no one takes us for fools and displaying manners that convince the whole restaurant that we are very indignant. This would be the "aggressive" response.

Finally, and taking the middle way, there is the option of politely calling the waiter's attention and, with that please and thank you that we have all been taught, pointing out the error between what was ordered and what was served. This would be, apparently, the "assertive" response. And I say apparently because, and this is the most important thing, assertiveness is defined by its own effectiveness.. That is to say, no matter how polite we have been and even if we have used the best of our smiles, if the waiter feels offended with our message we will have been aggressive, although we will have done the best we can do, which is to try.

The benefits of assertiveness for the social animal.

Beyond getting a proper steak served to us, assertiveness is important for multiple occasions of paramount importance in our performance as social beings. in our performance as social beings. Claiming the parking space we had our eye on, getting attention at a window five minutes before closing time... claiming our rights in a school or work situation, building a relationship with a partner... all of this, expressing our opinion and feelings and being able to maintain a good relationship with our interlocutor, is assertiveness.

That is why, putting assertiveness into practice is complexand each person can use it in his or her own style. However, there are certain guidelines that can help to develop it when we are still inexperienced.

• Look for the right moment.
• Formulate in the form of an opinion and from the first person (I feel, I believe...).
• Refer to behaviors rather than to the essence of people, because behaviors are susceptible to change while the essence is understood as immutable, besides being related to self-esteem (you do X versus you are X).
• Formulate in the positive instead of the negativeand in the future instead of the past.

Thus, an example would be: "I think (first person) that, for the next time (future), it would be better if (positive) you let me know that you are going to be late (behavior)". On the other hand, we recommend avoiding absolute terms (always, never, all, nothing...) and use strategies such as humor. Moreover, as important as the construction of the message is its reception, that is why it is important to use empathy, active listening....

And, of course, this is far from easy, so it usually requires training and dedication, and there are situations that favor assertiveness (the restaurant is empty) and others that hinder it, but we should not underestimate the power of assertiveness, because, if the human being is a social being, society begins with human beings.