This is the fear of not being in control (of oneself or relationships).

This discomfort usually manifests itself when we lose something to which we have become accustomed.

It is in our nature as human beings to feel that we are in control of our lives. the need to feel that we are in control of our lives.. This feeling helps us to feel secure and promotes psychological well-being.

However, when this need for control becomes an urgency or an essential condition for our peace of mind, it can wreak havoc on our personal relationships, our work life and our quality of life in general.

What is meant by the need to be in control?

In order to know what a person feels fear of not being in control first we must know what the need for control is and what psychological implications it has.

By "need for control" we understand the person's need to understand what surrounds him/her in order to be able to exert an effect or power over it. As well as the urgency he/she feels to determine a series of results or consequences before they occur.

In cases in which this sense of control is threatened either by chance is threatened either by chanceor because the situation does not depend on the person or because it is others who make the decisions, it is possible that the person experiences a series of negative emotions such as frustration and anger, which force him to carry out behaviors of domination, extortion or criticism.

In these cases, a mechanism known as "control motivation" is triggered. Driven by the control motivation, the person may react in two different ways: on the one hand, a psychological reactance may appear, whereby the person makes even greater efforts to try to control an uncontrollable situation; on the other hand, a feeling of helplessness may be generated. a feeling of helplessness in which the attempts to dominate disappear.

Although generally the tendency to plan the things or to prepare them in advance are considered to be positive and really effective for the attainment of our aims, when this tendency is taken to the extreme and turns into necessity it can manage to interfere in our daily life.

What is the cause of this fear?

The excess need for control is usually caused by the fear of not having it. Although the exact causes of this fear of not being in control have not yet been determined, there are some theories that relate it to personality or the experience of traumatic events. theories that relate it to personality or to the experience of traumatic events in the past. events in the past.

One of these theories hypothesizes that in many occasions under the fear of not having the control of the situation there is an irrational fear to be in control of the situation. an irrational fear of being at the mercy of other people.. The cause of this dread at the thought of being dependent on others may have its origin in traumatic events in which the person felt helpless or vulnerable.

Past experiences of abuse, abandonment or neglect may cause the person to disproportionately seek to regain the feeling that everything in his or her life is under control.

However, there are several factors that can play an important role in influencing the person's need for control, which can lead to a disproportionate increase in control. These factors are:

• Traumatic life experiences or abuse.
• Lack of trust.
• Anxiety.
• Fear of abandonment.
• Low self-esteem.
• Beliefs and values of the person.
• Perfectionism.
• Fear of failure.
• Fear of experiencing negative or painful emotions.

What are people with a high need for control like?

Although at first glance people with a fear of losing control of their lives, or who simply have the constant need to feel that they have it, tend to look like strong and confident people; the reality is that behind this appearance lies a certain fragility, as well as a great vulnerability to the idea or fear that there are certain things that cannot be controlled. fear that there are certain things that cannot be controlled, that occur outside of what isthat happen outside of what one wishes.

People with a tendency to control everything around them experience a great fear of the appearance of sudden and unforeseen events, since their ability to be spontaneous or improvise is not well developed.

In addition, another defining characteristic of these people is the feeling that everyone else depends on their ability to manage the events around them. their ability to manage the events that occur on a day-to-day basis.. So this feeling of responsibility can become a powerful stressor.

What types of control are there?

There are countless ways in which people can try to take control of their environment and other people. They exert a kind of dominance in their intimate relationships, in their dominance in their intimate relationships, in the family, work or social environment..

1. Need for control over oneself

When the person experiences an excessive fear of not being in control of his or her lifemay engage in the following behaviors:

• Compulsive exercise.
• Compulsive cleaning or grooming.
• Self-injury.
• Substance abuse.

2. Need for control over others

Some examples of behaviors exercised by these people are:

• Control of a partner's activities..
• Checking personal items such as another person's phone or social networks.
• Preventing another person from talking or interacting with family or friends.
• Gaslighting.
• Dishonest behaviors with third parties.
• Overprotective parenting.
• Physical, sexualSexual, sexual, or emotional abuse.
• Bullying or teasing behaviors.

How can psychotherapy help?

To approach the problems of control from psychotherapy implies to discover the existence of a great need of control in the person. This point is extremely complicated, since most of the time the patient is not able to perceive this need for control or power..

During therapy, the patient and psychologist work together to address the fear underlying this need. As well as the emotions associated with it, such as anxiety, creating a series of useful coping strategies when they appear.

This process of working on the patient's self-awareness can help the patient relinquish the need for control.

Cognitive psychotherapy can help the person identify the true cause of the need for control: self-protection. Emotional instability and lack of choice or autonomy can lead a person to seek control. can lead a person to seek control over other aspects of life. Recognizing and addressing this source of discomfort will help you develop self-compassion and accept that part of the self that needs protection.