Unconditional love: what it is, how to detect it and why it can be harmful.

This way of loving is often idealized through popular culture. Is it good to love like this?

Unconditional love is possibly one of the most popular concepts in the world of love relationships.. And it is, among other things, because over the last decades a kind of mythology has been created around it: it has come to be extolled as if it were the only type of love possible, and everything else were deviations from this ideal model.

Unfortunately, the fact that there are so many myths about this loving and relational dynamic has contributed to the fact that what unconditional love really is has been distorted and camouflaged under a thick layer of stereotypes and emotional appeals that often turn out to be more negative than positive. There are those who aspire to live unconditional love without really knowing what it is.

Throughout this article what exactly this way of loving and relating to loved ones consists of, how we can recognize it in a couple from a description of its characteristics, and why its idealization produces controversy. and of relating to loved ones, how we can recognize it in a couple from a description of its characteristics, and why its idealization produces controversy.

What is unconditional love?

One of the most curious things about unconditional love is that this concept drags behind it such a strong emotional charge that we can forget its meaning despite having it before our eyes, in the very name of the term. In fact, unconditional love is the way of loving that is exercised without conditions that compromise one of the partsthat is to say, without there being a concrete benefit for at least one of the lovers... beyond the experience of love itself.

Thus, unconditional love is special because in theory, in order to maintain it, it is not necessary to fulfill a series of requirements and commitments. Not even the fact that it is an unrequited love should put an end to it directly, since as unconditional that it is, it does not need the participation of the loved one in order to exist. In other words, it is a disinterested love.

Thus, this way of loving is prone to generate sufferingIt can give rise to situations in which the discomfort experienced by a person becomes chronic because there is no clear line indicating whether this emotional bond is functional or not (something that would occur if there were commitments that establish whether this union is valued).

Characteristics and signs of selfless love

Among the most common signs found in the dynamics of unconditional love are the following.

1. Propensity for asymmetries to appear

Since there is a person who loves unconditionally, this easily triggers the other person to let go of the possibility of obeying commitments. that the other person lets go of the possibility of obeying commitments..

2. Search for constant contact

Unconditional love is not unconditional at all, because even if the other person does not want it, one pays the price of submitting to attempts to be in contact on the part of the one who loves in an apparently disinterested manner. Due to the asymmetry of the relationshipeasily situations of rejection arise.

3. Tragic perception of the situation

Normally, the one who tries to love unconditionally does so influenced by a whole series of imagery of selfless love stories fed by cinema, literature and the like. That is to say, an identification is generated with such fictional or mythologized characters. This gives a sense of purpose to what they do..

4. Moments to fantasize

In unconditional love there are not too many expectations applied to the real world, and that is why imagination is usually an escape route to imagine realities in which that relationship is better and more balanced.

5. Doubts about the nature of love

When the love relationship is based on clear commitments, it is not so common to enter into states of introspection in which one wonders what it is to love in that way. But when there is seemingly nothing to sustain that love beyond love itself, these kinds of doubts are more frequent: if the other person may not love us, what exactly does this love that one feels oneself consist of?

Why has this way of loving been idealized?

As we are already beginning to sense, unconditional love is far from being the model of perfect love that many people believe it to be. How can it be, then, that it is considered in many places to be the goal to aspire to in terms of intimate and emotional life? Let us see how this applies both to the emotional sphere of the couple and to that which has to do with the Blood family.

Its idealization in the couple

For many centuries, love was not the main criterion by which people were guided when it came to marrying and forming a family. It was banished to the world of passions, that which does not obey rationality. and therefore, no matter how intense and pleasant it may be, it should not be taken into account if one wants to live in the most sensible and realistic way.

At a time when the vast majority of the population lived on the edge of the resources necessary to exist and maintain a family, marriages were more like an economic transaction whereby two families became partners.

However, as the living conditions of the majority of the population improved, this transactionalist logic and the role of feelings came to the fore. Nevertheless, the institution of marriage has continued to maintain its popularity, in part because beyond the religious sphere from which these formal bonds arise, the fact of marriage offers a series of legal resources that help two people maintain a family in a way that is not only religious, but also social.

The union between the idealization of the importance of feelings (as if they have always been the fundamental force that has guided the lives of human beings) and its application to the schemes set by marriage (maintained by necessity) has led to the idea of an unconditional love especially powerful in love relationships applied to the search for a partner.

It is what happens when it is assumed that love relationships are forever because of the influence of the history of marriages, and is applied to the realm of feelings, and has given rise to what is often called the myth of the better half: the belief that we are all incomplete pieces in search of a union that is usually embodied in the wedding.

Its idealization in the blood family

As far as blood family relationships are concerned, the idealization of unconditional love obeys another logic. While in the couple's sphere the disinterested character of this feeling does not have a clear purpose, in the family it does; normally, what is important is not love in itself, but the fact that it is accompanied by concern for protection and concern for the other person.

This is typical of fathers and mothers who take care of their sons or daughters regardless of whether the latter appreciate it or not.It makes sense if we take into account the generational leap and the fact that from the birth of the little ones a clear dynamic of protection is established that is completely unilateral. The rare thing would be for this one-sidedness to disappear completely as the children grow up.

But this role distinction is not unique to the parent-child relationship: it is reproduced across virtually every type of kinship.The need for control over the other's life can become a miniature tyranny, because of the dynamics of mutual protection: an older sibling can easily find excuses to control the older sibling, and the same goes for an uncle and his nephew, and so on.

Thus, the need for control over the life of the other can become a miniature tyranny, since any resistance on the part of the loved one is seen as something to be obviated because of the difference in roles established by the family functioning.

In conclusion

Under the label of unconditional love are hidden different psychological and relational dynamics that in many cases are harmful due to the lack of referents about what is the point at which a person should stop projecting their affections towards the other person and should direct them to their own person.

Knowing how to find a good balance between concern for a loved one and maintaining one's own dignity and integrity is key to maintaining well-being.