What forgiveness is and what it is not

Forgiveness brings a number of psychological benefits that go beyond relationships.

We have all, at one time or another, hurt others, whether in small or large ways. We have also been hurt by people we love, by family members, friends, partners and even by people we did not know. We have been hurt directly or indirectly by the hatred of armed groups, by wars, by the ambition of government entities and sadly even by organizations that claim to protect the rights of human beings. Why do we continue to hurt each other? Why do we continue to believe that the answer to the evil in the world is more hatred?

We continue to believe that the enemy is outside. But as Khyentsé Rinpoche says, "the time has come to divert hatred from its usual targets, your so-called enemies, to direct it against itself. In reality, your real enemy is hatred and it is hatred that you must destroy". Forgiveness is the key.

Matthiew Ricard, in his book In Defense of Happinesspoints out that we do not usually consider a criminal the victim of his own hatred, much less understand that the desire for revenge that may arise in us comes fundamentally from the same emotion that has led the aggressor to hurt us.

Hatred is limiting

Hatred is the real poisonIf we are not aware of how anger is transformed into this feeling, we can end up in the position of the criminal, victim of his hatred. Imprisoned. Destroyed. Without peace. Reproducing an endless chain of pain.

Ricard mentions that this does not mean that we cannot feel a deep aversion and revulsion toward injustice, cruelty, oppression and harmful acts or fight to stop them from occurring. We can do so without succumbing to hatred and revenge and rather motivated by a deep compassion for both the suffering of victims and perpetrators.

Holding grudges, blaming, clinging, and dwelling too much on wounds undermines our happiness and has a negative impact on our lives.Forgiveness, which is a form of forgiveness, undermines our happiness and has a considerable effect on our physical and psychological well-being. Studies have suggested that forgiveness is a more effective way of responding, reducing stress and promoting happiness. However, how we react to those hurts is up to us. Forgiveness is a choice and a process. Pain and disappointments are inevitable, but they should not control our lives.

What is forgiveness?

Dacher Keltner, a social psychologist and professor at the University of Berkeley, mentions that there are four components that help us to define and scientifically measure forgiveness. The first is the acceptance that the transgression or harm that someone has done to us has occurred. The second is the decrease in the desire or urge to seek revenge or compensation. The third (and especially in the case of minor conflicts or conflicts with people close to us and that the relationship can be resumed), is the desire for rapprochement, decreased distancing or avoidance of the other person. Finally, the fourth component involves a change in negative feelings towards the other person, such as increased compassion and understanding of their own suffering, pain, ignorance or confusion that has led them to hurt us.

Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness also allows us to set the necessary boundaries to protect ourselves from experiencing harm again from others. Jack Kornfield, a psychologist and Buddhist teacher, defines forgiveness as the resolve not to allow the transgression to happen again, to protect oneself and others from harm.to protect oneself and others. Forgiveness is not necessarily about talking to or relating to the person who betrayed you. It is not about the other, nor is it a duty. It is a way of ending one's own suffering.

Forgiveness can demand justice and say "No more". He also mentions that it is neither sentimental nor quick. For him, forgiveness is a deep process of the heart that can take a long time and can be difficult, both when it comes to forgiving others and ourselves. But it is a process that frees us and allows us to love.

In turn, forgiveness also involves mourning the loss of things that did not work out as we wanted them to, and to stop hoping for a better past, because it has happened, it is done and cannot be changed. and to stop hoping for a better past, because it's already happened, it's already done and can't be changed. That grief and pain have great value, because as Kornfield says "sometimes the things that make us vulnerable are the things that open our hearts and lead us back to what matters most, to love and life".

What isn't forgiveness?

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting how others have hurt you, nor does it necessarily mean reconciling or relating to the person who hurt you. Nor does it mean condoning their behavior or offense, or absolving them of responsibility. Nor is forgiveness a sign of weakness or submission. Instead, it requires courage; it means ceasing to hold someone constantly responsible for your emotional well-being. responsible for your emotional well-being and changing your attitude toward that original wound so that it does not continue to hurt you. It involves letting go of the burden you carry from that person who has hurt you.

Health and Relationship Benefits of Forgiveness

Forgiveness tends to be positively associated with psychological well-being, physical health and good interpersonal relationships. People who tend to forgive others score lower on measures of anxiety, depression, and hostility (Brown 2003; Thompson et al., 2005). Similarly, letting go of grudges is associated with lower levels of stress and Cardiovascular reactivity (blood pressure and heart rate) (Witvliet et al., 2001).

According to a review of the literature on forgiveness and health by Everett Worthington and his colleague Michael Scherer (2004), unforgiveness can compromise the immune system. The review suggests that it can affect the production of important hormones and the way our cells fight infection and bacteria. In turn, hostility is a central part of unforgiveness, and has been directly related to numerous health problems.and has been directly related to numerous health problems, having the most detrimental effects on the cardiovascular system (Kaplan, 1992; Williams and Williams, 1993).

Researchers at the University of Miami link forgiveness with increased life satisfaction, more positive emotions, fewer negative emotions, and fewer symptoms of physical illness. They also found that people felt happier after forgiving someone with whom they reported having a close and committed relationship before the transgression and especially when the other person apologized and attempted to repair the harm, suggesting that forgiveness increases our happiness because it helps repair interpersonal relationshipswhich previous studies have shown to be vital to our long-term happiness (Bono, et al., 2007). Similarly, other studies have found that people who tend to forgive report higher quality, satisfaction and commitment in their relationships.

Of course, there are limits. The context in which forgiveness occurs is important. For example, in marriages, the frequency of transgressions by the partners moderates the effects of forgiveness. If a husband or wife continues to forgive his or her partner for frequent transgressions, not only does his or her satisfaction with the relationship decrease, but his or her partner's mistreatment, transgressions, or unwanted behaviors are likely to continue and even worsen because there are no repercussions for his or her actions (McNulty, 2008).

Forgiveness is not easy. It may seem almost impossible for us to forgive those who have hurt us in great ways. It is even more unimaginable to feel compassion, understanding or empathy. compassion, understanding or empathy for people who have offended or hurt us deeply. Even small grievances can cost us. However, it is likely that we all know stories of people who have succeeded in doing so and who have shown us the importance and beauty of forgiveness. Forgiveness, like other positive emotions such as hope, compassion and appreciation, is a natural expression of our humanity.

Author: Jessica Cortés

Bibliographical references:

• Brown, R.P. (2003). Measuring individual differences in the tendency to forgive: Construct validity and links with depression. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 29, 759-771.
• Bono, G., McCullough M. E., & Root, L. M. (2007). Forgiveness, Feeling Connected to Others, and Well-Being: Two Longitudinal Studies. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 20, 1-14.
• Kaplan, B.H. (1992). Social health and the forgiving heart: The Type B story. Journal of Behavior Medicine, 15, 3–14.
• Kornfield, J. (2010). La Sabiduría del Corazón. Una guía a las enseñanzas universales de la psicología budista. Barcelona, España: La liebre de marzo.
• McNulty, J.K. (2008). Forgiveness in Marriage: Putting the Benefits into Context. Journal of Family Psychology. 22, 171-175.
• Ricard, M. (2005). En Defensa de la Felicidad. Ediciones Urano: Barcelona.
• Thompson L. Y., Snyder, C. R., Hoffman, L., Michael, S. T., Rasmussen, H. N., Billings, L. S., et al. (2005). Dispositional forgiveness of self, others and situations. Journal of Personality, 73, 313-359.
• Witvliet, C.V.O., Ludwig, T.E., & Vander Laan, K.L. (2001). Granting forgiveness or harboring grudges: Implications for emotions, physiology, and health. Psychological Science,121, 117- 123.
• Williams, R. and Williams, V. (1993). Anger Kills: Seventeen Strategies for Controlling the Hostility that Can Harm your Health. Harper Perennial, New York.
• Worthington, E.L., & Scherer, M. (2004): Forgiveness is an emotion- focused coping strategy that can reduce health risks and promote health resilience: theory, review, and hypotheses, Psychology & Health, 19:3, 385-405.