What is love? (And what is not)

Not even psychologists agree on defining the concept of love.

Love is something that inspires and motivates all human beings, but it can also cause us a lot of suffering when it is not reciprocated. That is why many movies, songs and even novels revolve around this topic (both love and lovelessness).

Defining love is extremely complicated, because there are different types of love (according to the intensity, depending on the person, the type of love, the type of person and the type of love). (depending on the intensity, depending on who we love, etc.). The truth is that this definition becomes an arduous task because love is socially influenced and there are many opinions and ways of approaching it.

Leaving aside other forms of love (such as mother's love), in this article we will focus on what is true love and what is not, always from the concept of romantic love.

Research on love

Before going into the subject, it is necessary to review a series of scientific discoveries that, at least in the West, have helped us to discover the great mystery of our brain's relationship with love and falling in love, have helped us to discover the great mystery of our brain's relationship with love and falling in love.. Some results affirm that love and falling in love are fed by a series of behaviors, which help to keep it alive.

But one of the most important findings of recent times is that love acts as a drug in our brain, and modifies its functioning, in the same regions as the drug, when we meet the loved one. Evidently, cultural factors are important, and to a greater or lesser extent are responsible for a series of chemical reactions that occur in the brain. For love is nourished by the expectations and the concept of love that we learn throughout our lives.

Leaving aside the cultural factor, researchers have found that, as with psychoactive substances, when we fall in love, a neurochemical marriage occurs within our head.When we fall in love, a neurochemical marriage occurs inside our head.

For example, we release large amounts of serotonin, which improves our mood and causes us to have obsessive thoughts, constantly remembering our partner. We also release a series of neurochemicals such as adrenaline, which make us more energetic, or we release dopamine in large doses, which is involved in drug addiction, because it intervenes in reinforcing pleasurable behaviors. This neurochemical cascade, which can make us feel on a high when we are in love, also causes serious problems when we fall out of love, because we can end up depressed and obsessed with the person we have loved so much.

• You can go deeper into this interesting topic in our article: "The chemistry of love: a very potent drug".

Curious studies on love

In recent decades, studies on love and falling in love have been many, and some of the results or conclusions may surprise you. The data found by scientists in recent years claim that:

• Christmas causes divorcesAccording to data from the General Council of the Judiciary of Spain.
• It's the little things that really matter, according to research commissioned by the Economic and Social Research Council (UK).
• A study led by Ronald Rogge found that love movies are the best therapy for couples.
• Social networks are the number one cause of divorce. At least that is what data from a survey by the Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers in the United States concludes.
• Research by Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey T. Hancock showed that long-distance relationships can work.
• A study by the Ohio University Institute of Behavioral Medicine found that love is fattening.

• You can find all the information about these researches in our article: "Love and falling in love: 7 surprising researches".

What is love, according to Sternberg

One of the most renowned scientists in the field of infatuation and love is Robert Sternberg, who with his "Triangular theory of love" describes the different elements that make up this phenomenon, as well as the possible combinations of these elements when forming different types of relationships.

The three key qualities in relationships are: intimacy, passion and commitment.

• IntimacyIntimacy: The closeness between the individuals in a relationship is what Sternberg refers to as intimacy. In other words, it is the emotional connection, affection and trust between them.
• PassionPassion: This author calls passion the energy and excitement that exists in the couple. It is the urge and need to be with each other. It is the physical attraction.
• CommitmentIt is a decision, wanting to be together despite the bad times. It is having a shared vision of the future.

These qualities combine and give rise to the different types of relationships. The most intense and rewarding expression of love is when these three aspects appear together. Sternberg states that there are 7 ways to love, they are the following:

• AffectionAffection: Affection is authentic friendship. There is intimacy, but no passion or commitment.
• InfatuationIt is characteristic of superficial relationships. There is passion but no intimacy or commitment.
• Empty loveIt is a self-interested relationship. There is commitment but neither passion nor intimacy.
• Romantic lovePassion and intimacy make the couple feel great attraction, but there is no commitment.
• Sociable loveThere is intimacy and commitment, but no passion. It appears when the relationship loses chemistry.
• Fatuous loveThere is no intimacy. People feel attraction and want to be together, but do not have much in common.
• Consummated loveConsummate love is the most intense and combines the three elements: intimacy, passion and commitment.

• Consummate love has been called true love by other authors. In our article "True love should meet these 40 requirements" you can go deeper into the characteristics of this form of love.

What is not love: toxic love

One concept has become popular today is what is known as "toxic love". Toxic love is characterized by a series of behaviors of emotional dependence or control that make the relationship harmful. Members of a toxic relationship suffer day in and day out.

But... what is toxic love like? Toxic love has the following properties.

Emotional dependence

At least one of the partners has a low self-esteem and his happiness depends on the presence of the other. He/she is afraid to meet him/herself.

Emotional codependency

Similar to emotional dependence, but the emotional codependent is addicted to dependence on his partner and, therefore, to the need to help him and worry about his well-being.

Limited social life

The members of the couple put aside their friendships and turn purely and exclusively to the partner.

Relationship obsession

The insecurity of one of the partners makes him/her obsess excessively about the relationship.

It is irrational and unrealistic

It is a love that lives on unrealistic expectations, which causes tremendous frustration in the partners.

Need for approval from the other

Because the person feels empty, he/she looks to the partner for the security, stability and comfort that he/she lacks in his/her own life.

Concern for change

One partner does not tolerate the other partner doing well, largely because of his or her own frustration.

Possessive and controlling

This type of love is not a free love, but rather one partner interprets the other person as his or her possession and becomes controlling.

Jealous

Jealousy and attempts to control are part of the couple's daily life. This makes them extremely unhappy.

Manipulative

It is a manipulative love, in which there is emotional blackmail on the part of one of the two.

Poor communication

Communication is not fluid and, therefore, the relationship is not cordial. Trust has been lost.

Excessive conflicts

The above points cause the relationship to become toxic and conflict is the bread and butter of the relationship.