What is the goal of couple therapy?

What is the kind of goals to aim for in couple therapy?

Many years ago, when I took a course on couple therapy with José Antonio Carrobles, I remember that among other documents there was a sheet entitled "How to communicate successfully". It contained a series of tips, all of them very useful for improving communication.

However, we observed in psychotherapy that theoretical knowledge about how a problem is solved does not produce its solution. For example, we all know that addiction to a toxic substance requires non-consumption in order to be overcome; however, this knowledge does not solve the problem. It is not enough, because the problem lies there, precisely in that it cannot not consume.

The goal of couple therapy: to translate into action.

Couples therapists know that for a good understanding and to resolve conflicts, both partners must listen to their partner, not interrupt, not present counter-complaints, summarize what they have understood to their partner, etc. Sometimes, it is simply a matter of improving communication.

However, with the identification of problem behaviors and the mere transmission of information on what needs to be changed or done, it turns out that the necessary changes do not occurThey do not perform the behaviors. They cannot or do not know how to do it, even though they know what they have to do. This is true much more often than is desirable.

We have tools that allow us to identify quite accurately which behaviors are problematic for each of the partners. We can also see the lack of knowledge they often have about what the couple expects and needs from each other.The other person's knowledge about the gratification of certain behaviors to the other person is also very limited. However, with all this, it is often not enough.

That is to say, we can understand and clarify what needs to be changed, implemented, eradicated or replaced, but this is usually not enough.

The need to go beyond theory

Psychotherapy has come a long way in recent decades. We have developed techniques that favor changein many cases, relatively quickly.

These techniques would lead us to achieve (often without the patient initially understanding very well what is happening), that the person puts into practice some actions and habits that lead him to experience his problems differently, to experience his problems differently at an emotional level, correcting in turn those behaviors that not only did not solve his problems, but were usually the reason for their existence and persistence.

For this reason, a proper use of language on the part of the therapist will lead the couple to see their problem from a different perspective, which will motivate them to do what they want to do.This will motivate them to comply with the agreement, which in turn will lead them to have a different emotional experience, correcting the behaviors that maintained and developed the conflict.

Combining couple sessions with individual sessions

It is true that it is very important to identify problem behaviors, since what differentiates the success of some couples from others is the behavior (assuming that previously there has been an attraction, a desire and a compatibility), but it will be the realization of certain prescriptions, adapted to the uniqueness of each couple, which will produce the changes that will be necessary. but it will be the implementation of certain prescriptions, adapted to the uniqueness of each couple, which will produce changes in problem behaviors, extinguish in the problem behaviors, extinguishing them, or drastically reducing their rate, or substituting them for others that will strengthen and develop the bond.

It will be then that the relationship will have the quality and warmth that the couple is looking for and needs.

Many times we will have to intervene individually to achieve that one of these members of the relationship (when not both), is endowed with those skills that allow him/her to manage his/her emotions in a more adequate way, and that this helps him/her not to have a conflict-generating behavior.

It is usual that the problems of one of the partners have to be dealt with simultaneously with the relationship in order to make adequate progress in therapy. Therefore, after one or several contacts with both partners, it is often necessary to have individual sessions, separately, with each of them, it is usually necessary to have individual sessions, separately, with each of the partners.. In other cases, individual psychotherapy will be necessary prior to the couple's therapy.

Treatment of common problems

It will also be convenient to to verify if there is a common objective. Sometimes, the partners in a couple's relationship not only have different, but even conflicting goals.

By seeing them, first together and then separately (especially if they have different objectives), it will be easier to draw common objectives. Subsequently, the fact that they do not or did not agree together will be worked out.

Obstacles in the development of therapy

If the intention that someone has in going to a couple's therapist is to show that the fault lies with the other, or the reason for attending is that one does not know how to break the relationship, couple's therapy (considering continuity as a goal) becomes very difficult, not to say unfeasible.

Another reason for discomfort in the couple is that, over time, often, the erotic desire for eroticism declines. The phase of infatuation lasts as long as it lasts, after which, if there is no conversion of infatuation into something else that we will call love, and if eroticism is not cultivated, it will decline. As in almost all things, when we dedicate attention, time, energy and care to it, the interest will last.

The important thing is that we can and must modify those behaviors that are the reason for a bad relationship with our partner. Let us not doubt that it is possible and that we have the tools to achieve it, if there is a real desire and motivation to do so.

Conclusion

When two people have a lot of fun together, carry out their projects together, are present in each other's lives when needed, help and push each other to carry out their illusions, give each other continuous and frequent displays of affection, desire each other, admire each other and express it, treat each other with respect, share what they have? it will be difficult to break or want to break such a relationship.

Well then, this is the objective of a couple's therapyTo help them resolve their conflicts, change problematic behaviors and improve communication, and thus, produce those desirable results between two people who say they love each other and want to love each other.