When the idealized feeling of motherhood doesn’t come about

Sometimes, after pregnancy and childbirth, the illusion of being a mother does not arise, but rather discomfort. Why is this?

At the birth of a baby, many mothers feel joyful, grateful, empowered to bring their children into the world.

However, for many women, the postpartum for many women, the postpartum period can be a difficult experience, full of fears, guilt and negative feelings that affect their emotional relationships. that affect their emotional and social relationships, breastfeeding and even their bond with their baby. This is what we call postpartum depression (PPD).

In this article we will look at what happens when the birth of a baby does not bring with it the anticipated and idealized illusion of being a mother, but rather feelings linked to the malaise of being a mother.but sensations linked to discomfort.

The key moments of birth

Pregnancy, childbirth and puerperium are moments of special vulnerability for the womanThe bond between mother and baby may be affected by personal or contextual factors that may be affecting the bond that is generated between mother and baby. The beginning of the bond with our baby can be altered at different times.

1. During pregnancy

Bonding with the baby begins in the uterusDuring pregnancy, the fetus perceives all the emotions that its mother is feeling. If the mother's life history has been complex, the hormonal process that develops in pregnancy gives rise to a period of psychic transparency (Bydlowski, 2007), where the woman feels the need to review and repair her history, especially the bond with her mother, in order to begin to create the emotional connection with her baby.

If there are unresolved attachment conflicts or ruptures in the mother's historyIf you are pregnant, it is more likely that the bonding may be negatively affected. Therefore, pregnancy is a good time to be able to work on and repair our attachment history.

2. Motherhood and fatherhood

This phase begins to develop from the moment we dream of the arrival of a son or daughter, and many things can happen until it arrives.

A mother does not emerge from solitude and isolation; It is the result of a family, bonding, social, economic, technological, and social context.. Biology also plays a leading role, and in order to carry out motherhood, support is needed, to generate the conditions for a healthy gestation. In this process, not only the mother and her family count, but also the whole society.

3. Childbirth

Whether the birth is natural or highly medicalized and intervened, whether there are medical complications or whether the woman has not felt safe in this situation, may result in the emotional connection with our baby not being the expected one..

4. Postpartum

Physical and emotional separations between mother and newborn, or medical interventions on the baby or mother, among other issues, can also cause the establishment of a strong emotional bond to be postponed.

5. The postpartum period

Lack of support and care from the partner and the environment, problems or illnesses in the mother's recovery, or stress, can generate difficulties in the mother-baby connection, generate difficulties in the mother-baby connection.

When the illusion of being a mother does not arrive

If the gestation has gone well and the delivery has been respectful with the mother and the child, the woman will feel empowered; the hormones and the emotional changes favor this, giving her an internal and external strength together with a connection, not only with the baby, but also with herself. Mammalian Biological instinct drives maternal behavior. and predisposes the mother to perform certain actions related to a good development of motherhood.

However, if she has not been able to be in control of her childbirth, of her body, of the process, a feeling of bewilderment and helplessness tends to set in, which leads her to lose her self-confidence. It is as if she has been robbed of something that she is not aware of in her way of experiencing the fact of being a mother.

There are different variables that can result in mothers not feeling the outpouring of love that they "should" feel, and then there is the feeling that they "should" feel.and that after that comes the feeling of guilt and discomfort with oneself.

Post-partum depression

It is very common to experience feelings of sadness, irritability, and the desire to cry after childbirthdue to fatigue and hormonal change. This period is called "Baby Blues" and is experienced by 80% of women. With the care of the people around the mother and baby, the necessary rest and a lot of emotional support, these symptoms disappear in a few days.

However, if this does not happen and the discomfort continues to persist, affecting the daily life of the mother and baby, we can be talking about postpartum depression, we may be talking about postpartum depression.. For these cases, Vitaliza recommends professional counseling.

PTSD associated with pregnancy or childbirth

It is also important to see a professional if during the process of childbirth or postpartum the mother has the experience that at some point her life or that of her baby has been in serious danger; this can generate an intense fear or hopelessness, This can lead to the development of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)..

This may occur in 2 to 6% of women who give birth, and 30% usually generate some symptoms of this disorder, persisting for a long time, even years, if not adequately treated.

Among the main triggers for this disorder are the perception of negligence or malpractice during or after childbirth or high obstetric interventionism (use of instruments during childbirth, use of instruments during labor, use of instruments during delivery). (use of instruments during labor, medicalization, emergency cesarean sections, etc.) where the woman feels a loss of control or excessive pain for a prolonged period of time.

Symptoms

The symptoms accompanying a traumatic birth are usually are usually:

• Constantly reliving childbirth or the most stressful situations of the process.
• Feeling disconnected or distanced from reality and your baby.
• Irritability and hyperexcitability with her environment and health professionals.
• Affecting the bond with your baby.
• Rejection of sexuality and the desire to become a mother again.

What to do?

In cases of PTSD, it is recommended to encourage women to express their feelings in self-help groups or with professionals.. EMDR therapy together with regulation and relaxation strategies such as Neurofeedback are effective treatments for PTSD after a complicated childbirth.

Bringing a baby into the world is one of the life events with the greatest emotional and physical impact on a woman, so it is very important to accompany and care for both her and the baby. This help should combine the human factor provided by loved ones, and professional assistance by experts in psychotherapy.

Authors: Anabel De la Cruz and Cristina Cortés, psychologists at Vitaliza Psicología de la Salud..

Bibliographical references:

• Cortés, C. (2017) Look at me, feel me. Strategies for the repair of attachment in children using EMDR. Desclée de Brouwer.
• Bydlowski. (2007) The debt of life. Psychoanalytic itinerary of motherhood. Biblioteca Nueva.
• Olza, I. (2017) Birthing. El poder del parto. S.A. Ediciones B.