Why avoidant attachment scars us during childhood.

This type of dysfunctional attachment can damage us over the decades.

"My son behaves phenomenally, he spends the whole afternoon playing alone in his room and doesn't bother at all, how wonderful". You have probably heard this phrase more than once. In these cases, you get desperate and look for the magic formula that this mom or dad uses to get their child to spend the whole afternoon "undisturbed". Instead, your child asks you to play with him all the time or constantly requests your attention.

I have good news for you; it is normal and healthy for our children to ask for us, to "fuss" and to want to spend time with us. Having a child spend the whole afternoon on his own can allow us to have time to do chores and finish our homework. to do household chores and finish things pending from work, but it is important for you to know that this has some consequences.

The importance of attachment

What is attachment? Attachment is the emotional bond that is established between the child and its caregivers, mainly with the mother.mainly with the mother. This emotional bond is important for the baby to feel protected and confident. It also allows us to learn to relate to ourselves and to others, helping us to understand the world.

There are several types of attachment: secure, anxious, disorganized and avoidant. The quality of affection we offer our children and the predictability of the parents' behavior will determine the type of attachment. It is therefore important that as parents we are always available to the baby's needs and attend to them in a stable and and attend to them in a stable and predictable manner. Otherwise, we will be creating an insecure attachment that can facilitate the development of different fears and insecurities in the child, with anxiety appearing as a base.

When parents are not in affective harmony with their children, are distant in the case of avoidant attachment, or intrusive in the case of anxious attachment, they cause anguish, distrust and insecurity in the children. Children, in these cases, try to adapt to the environment by creating strategies that allow them to alleviate their discomfort.

The keys to understanding avoidant attachment

Returning to our initial example, we are faced with an avoidant attachment. In this case, the parents do not tend to be emotionally attuned to the child, ignoring the emotional needs of the child.

There is no validation of the child's emotions. He learns that being sad or crying is not appropriate and that showing it leads to rejection by others, but if he does not show emotions there is recognition from his parents; for example, they reinforce and reward him for spending the whole afternoon playing alone in his room. He ends up learning not to bother his parents with his needs. Thus, his parents will be physically closer to him. Therefore, these children sacrifice closeness to others in order to avoid rejection, i.e., the child learns not to bother his parents with his needs.In other words, the child learns that he or she has to fend for him or herself and that he or she cannot trust others.

In addition, the child also begins to use reasoning as a form of emotional regulation. He/she tries to distance him/herself from affection and its manifestation, acting according to what he/she believes his/her parents expect from him/her, trying not to be a nuisance. It is important to keep in mind that children will learn to regulate their emotions based on how their parents do it.

It is extremely important that in stressful situations for a child, it is their parents who calm them down. We insist on telling them to go to their room and not to leave until they are calmer, but it is not possible for a child to calm down by himself. Imagine that we arrive home very angry about something that has happened to us at work, we try to tell our partner about it and he/she tells us that until we relax we should not talk to him/her. See what happens to you: do you manage to relax? Or on the contrary, does this generate more anger and more dysregulation?

Just as in adults it provokes a negative reaction, so it does in children, and it also happens that they need contact to calm down. The child needs company to relax and it is important that we are the facilitators of this regulation. If we are not the ones who provide him with this security, he will be a child, an adolescent and an insecure adult.

What are the consequences of this type of bond?

When the protection figure is not physically or emotionally present, this situation leads the child to regulate him/herself with something that can substitute for the protection figure.This situation leads the child to regulate himself with something that can replace this absence: material things, chores, food or other people. This type of emotional regulation is dysfunctional, so sometimes pathological behaviors may appear. In adolescence and adulthood, the use of drugs, alcohol or pathological gambling can also be used. There are even times when parents are the ones who use material tools to regulate their children's well-being. Nowadays the use of technologies is one of the most effective resources that parents use, but through which negative consequences are obtained.

The child's inability to regulate himself/herself may facilitate the appearance of psychological disorders such as anxiety, phobias, depression or personality disorders. On the other hand, when faced with inconsistent attachment figures, the child develops a self-perception of low self-worth and feelings of abandonment. develops a self-perception of low self-worth and feelings of abandonment, as well as fear of rejection.as well as fear of rejection by others. If the caregiver is cold and the child has feelings of being undeserving of affection, this will lead to self-esteem problems.

The inability to be intimate with others is also a factor to be taken into account. In adulthood these people will be individuals with barriers to social and couple relationships, since the relationships we establish with our reference figures will determine our relationships when we are adolescents and later adults; there will be great difficulty in expressing emotions and feelings to others. If there is no space at home to name emotions and to express them, it will be difficult to recognize them.

How can we improve the bond with our children?

Children need us to be in tune with them, that is, they need us to be able to put ourselves in their place. Harmful behaviors that they sometimes perform, such as more aggressive actions, not eating, having nightmares or not relating to other children, are indicators that they are not feeling well.. It is there where we have to tune in with them and not stay in the superficial behavior, but try to understand the depth of what is happening.

If every time my child does not eat I speak badly to him and punish him, I will not be in tune with him. In this case, you yourself have to do a reflection work and see what it is that suggests to you that your child does not want to eat, if you act based on what you want and not what the child needs, we will not be helping him.

We can also improve the bond by playing and spending quality time with the little ones, dedicating moments exclusively to them. The fundamental thing is to put words to emotions, look into their eyes, smile, sing, have physical contact... in conclusion, to offer a base that provides them with calm and security..

There are times when it is our own life history that prevents us from having a safe and healthy bond with our children. In that case, it is important to contact a specialist who will help us to solve those things from the past that prevent us from managing functionally in the present. Remember: Unconsciously our discomfort is transmitted and perceived by the smallest of the house.