Why do many unhappy couples stay together?

There are dysfunctional relationships that continue to exist as if their problems don't count. Why is that?

The experience of marriage and living a couple relationship should be something beneficial, enriching and satisfying for both partners. However, there are many cases in which the dynamics of the couple are very different, and yet they are reluctant to break the bond.

While it is true that there are a multitude of reasons why people feel dissatisfied or unhappy in their relationship, there are many other reasons why people feel dissatisfied or unhappy in their relationship, but there are also many others.There are many other reasons why they prefer to continue. However, the psychology of couples still struggles to clarify why some unhappy couples are able to break up, while others are not.

The Interdependence Theory

One of the most widely accepted theories that attempts to explain this phenomenon is the Interdependence Theory. Put forward by the psychologists Harold Kelley and John Thibaultthis assumption states that each partner evaluates personal satisfaction with his or her marriage or bond in relation to the costs and benefits of the relationship.

That is to say, if our partner demands a lot of time and resources from us, but compensates us because he/she covers our needs or, on the contrary, if he/she contributes little but also demands little from us, it is very likely that we will maintain the relationship.

The key to this theory is that as long as the perceived costs do not outweigh the benefits, there is a good chance that the couple will stay together. Otherwise, it is very likely that one of the two will end up severing the relationship..

Thus, according to the Theory of Interdependence this balance is the basis of commitment. To be more specific, according to Kelley and Thibaut, despite dissatisfaction in the couple, the people in the couple will feel more committed for these reasons:

• The amount of time invested in the relationship .. Having been in a relationship for a long time gives it meaning, people perceive that they have built something that is a great distress to break up.
• The members of the couple are not able to find better alternatives to their current relationship..

Current studies

Although the conclusions of Kellet and Thibault's studies on Interdependence Theory may well apply to the present day, it is true that they are about fifty years old, and that** couple dynamics change as society changes**.

It is obvious to think that the level of satisfaction that a person has in his or her relationship depends to a great extent on what this relationship brings him or her. That is, the benefits. However, recent research points to the role of individual standards or, in other words, the idea or conception that each person has of what a couple's relationship should be. According to these studies, it is quite possible that a couple in a dysfunctional relationship will maintain this bond simply because their standards for couple relationships are low..

Cases in which people are truly dissatisfied with their relationship but maintain their commitment are hardly explainable by the Interdependence Theory. However, studies conducted by psychologist Levi Baker, at the University of North Carolina, shed other light that can help us understand why many unhappy couples are unhappy. understand why many unhappy couples remain together..

• You may be interested in, "How to avoid couple conflict?"

The results

According to the results obtained by Baker and his collaborators, commitment to the relationship is not so much based on the current level of satisfaction as on the level of satisfaction expected in the future of the relationship. In other words, people maintain their relationship because believe that the quality of the relationship will improve over time or that problems will eventually pass or that the problems will eventually pass.

Therefore, when it comes to making a prediction about whether a couple that does not feel happy together will maintain their relationship or not, the expectation of future satisfaction will be a better predictor than current satisfaction in the couple.

Although there are surely many more factors, the hypothesis that expectations of happiness keep a couple's relationship unsatisfactory is not entirely unreasonable, since after all these are long-term relationships and it is logical to think that the good will outweigh the bad in the long run.

After analyzing the data obtained, Baker discovered that unsatisfactory relationships followed two tendencies. On the one hand, one of the partners left the relationship when he or she had expectations that the situation could not improve and, moreover, thought that he or she could find better alternatives outside the relationship. On the other hand, people stayed in the relationship when they had the hope that the relationship would improve and also thought that they could not find anything better outside the relationship, they thought they could not find anything better..

The influence of personal and social factors

Although studies show clear trends, as we mentioned at the beginning of the article, there are a variety of factors that influence the decision to break a relationship in which we are not happy.

Personal factors such as beliefs about the importance of marriage and personal relationships play a key role. play a key role. For some people, singleness is an unacceptable condition, far worse than living in a relationship in which love is no longer present.

The importance that society has placed on marriage or single life as an ideal state exerts a powerful influence on people, some of whom desperately seek a partner to share their life with regardless of whether or not it makes them happy.

In other cases, the factor that keeps couples together is the existence of children. the existence of children. They develop couple dynamics in which each of the components maintain parallel lives but keep the same home, staying together for the supposed good of the children. Because, in their belief, the division of the home is much worse for the children than the current situation.

A different issue is those involving religious attitudes and beliefs surrounding divorce. religious attitudes and beliefs surrounding divorce.. Those with a strong relationship to their religion may refuse to deal with divorce both out of conviction and fear of rejection in their religious community.

Conclusions

Whatever the reason for dissatisfaction, once people are aware of their partner's status, they then go on to evaluate their prospects or options for the future. If this person perceives that he or she has opportunities to find something better, it is very likely that he or she will break off the relationship, looking for a new beginning.

With this in mind, it is easy to understand why younger couples perceive separation or divorce as much more plausible than older couples.

In cases where they are unable to imagine a better alternative to the couple's current condition, they are likely to maintain it; finding ways to defuse conflicts and considering each other as life partners.