Why doesn’t he want to be with me but says he loves me?

Sometimes, the person we are interested in gives us apparently contradictory information.

Among the most frequent complaints among those who come to therapy for emotional problems, there is one that is based on a contradiction: "he doesn't want to be with me but says he loves me.".

This is a relatively common problem that goes beyond being a simple communication failure, and that ivolves the interests of both the person who in the first place says "I love you" and the one who suffers the consequences of this incongruence.

In this article we will see what are the most frequent causes of a person who directly expresses his love for another and at the same time does not want to form a couple, start a dating relationship or anything like it. In addition, we will review several recommendations and advice about what to do.

He doesn't want to be with me but says he loves me: why does that happen?

In the world of personal relationships, contradictions are the norm. Misunderstandings are extremely common, and in addition, we often fall into deceptions that in turn are raised almost unintentionally.

If we focus on love relationships, these incongruities not only generate discomfort, but are also capable of generating situations that can be very difficult to solve.They are also capable of generating dramatic situations.

In fact, they can cause frustration due to lack of love, a feeling of unresolved tension that makes us suffer for not being able to be with that person and at the same time makes us obsessed with the possibility of starting a relationship, given that apparently there are some possibilities of achieving it.

This combination between the refusal to be engaged and the hope that in the future the other person does want to have something with us generates an ambivalence capable of generating quite a lot of insecurities, anxiety and discomfort in general, since it induces to wonder what is wrong.

Let's see now why it can happen that someone says he/she loves you but at the same time refuses to be with you and does not want to establish a strong emotional attachment.

1. They don't want you to take it the wrong way

Another reason why someone may claim to love others is that they don't know how to refuse offers because they are afraid of hurting others' feelings.

In these cases, a "I love you but I don't want to be with you." is a way of not cutting the other's hopes shortIn these cases, a "I love you but I don't want to be with you" is a way of not cutting off the other person's hopes, insinuating that what is really there is a diffuse love that does not have to materialize in the beginning of a romantic love relationship or partnership.

2. Wants to dominate you

When someone tells another person that they love them but do not want to be their partner or commit in any meaningful way to them, they may do so with the thought of dominating the other person by hinting that there is a possibility of seducing them even though nothing beyond that "I love you" indicates that there are grounds for hope.

As a result, just two words are capable of making someone predisposed to offer special help and protection to the other, by giving them room to fantasize about the idea of being together..

This intention does not always exist, but in some cases it can be the main reason why this is done, so that we can talk about the fact that he or she is knowing that there is no truth in those words.

3. You are in a complicated situation

It may be that in certain circumstances the other person could be interested in going out with you. Personal circumstances unrelated to your friendship may prevent you from being ready for serious may prevent her from seeing herself as ready for a serious partner.

4. She has a very open definition of love

We must not forget that by love not everyone understands the concept of romantic love, which is the most common in relationships, both in courtship and marriage.

When someone tells you that he/she loves you but does not want to be with you, he/she is really saying that what he/she feels for you does not fit in with what is customary in a relationship. does not fit in with what is usually considered a couple whose bond is romantic love, a type of love union that is not a romantic union.A romantic love union has its advantages but also its disadvantages.

What to do when a person says he/she loves you but doesn't want to be with you

Faced with these cases, the best thing to do is to first find out if the person is playing with our feelings or not, and once this is done, follow one line of action or another. Let's see.

1. To know if he/she is playing with your feelings or not

The first thing to do is to stop and see if the other person really cares about us or is only interested in subduing you by manipulating your emotions.

To do this, stop and try to analyze what is happening from a detached and objective perspective: does he or she care about you? Is she interested in getting to know you and remembering information about you and your life? In general, these questions should already be able to give you an answer, because the one who does not feel anything for someone does not bother to notice such details and remember them.

In case you clearly see that he/she is playing games with youyou already have the solution: cut off your relationship with that person, because he/she is trying to create a toxic relationship based on emotional dependence.

If what happens is not that and there are reasons to think that you are a significant person for her or that at least she is not clear about her feelings towards you, read on.

2. Talk it out to clarify what your feelings are.

Communication is the great undervalued in this kind of problems, but really through dialogue you can get to completely resolve a situation as uncomfortable as this.

Together, try to put a name to what is happening.. Talk about your expectations of each other, what you would like your relationship to be like and what you would not like it to be like. You don't have to be compatible in this; it's just a matter of talking about it to find out what's going on, and you have to do it without prejudging the other and without making him or her feel guilty about how he or she feels.

3. Decide if you are happy, and if you are not, move on with your life.

Once you have all the relevant information about how the person you like feels and to what degree their intentions match yours, make a decision and, unless something comes up that gives you significant reasons to change your mind, stick to it.

Conclusion: put an end to uncertainty and tension

As we have seen, the most important thing is to resolve the unknown about what the other person wants, see if it is compatible with what you want and decide whether to continue to invest in the relationship, or whether it is better to break it off.

When someone complains with statements like "he says he loves me but doesn't want to be with you", what it really reveals is the frustration caused by the ambiguity in what the other person says and the tension generated by not knowing what to do. By eliminating this uncertainty, practically everything will be solved with time; also the possible lack of love.

Referencias bibliográficas:

• Colin, V. A. (1996). Human Attachment. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.
• Panksepp J., Nelson, E., Bekkedal M. (1997). "Brain Systems for the Mediation of Separation Distress and Social Reward". Annals NY Academy of Sciences. 807: 78–100.