6 manipulation strategies used by abusers

After an aggression, the victim can be fooled by these tricks.

I write this article as a tool for the abused person to identify the weapons that an abuser may use in order to get the victim to forgive him/her and resume the relationship.

On many occasions, when the abuser commits the abusive action, a series of behaviors occur that can be repeated over time and can be reproduced from one individual to another.

When abusers manipulate their victims

I believe that it may be useful to provide victims of abuse with this material, so that once the aggression has been committed, they are aware that this type of strategy can be used by their abuser; this makes it easier to realize that it is in fact a modus operandi of the abuser. modus operandi common modus operandi in the profile of the abusers, and therefore will increase the chances of preventing and responding appropriately to these episodes.

1. Anger as a response

Often the abuser is the one who is offended and indignant when cornered and without arguments to support his defense, seeking with this attitude that the victim is the one who ends up assuming responsibility for the acts and apologizing for them. and without arguments to support their defense, seeking with this attitude that the victim is the one who ends up assuming responsibility for the acts and apologizing.

2. Gaslighting

This strategy consists of making someone doubt their senses, their way of reasoning and even the reality of their actions.. The person tries to make the victim doubt him/herself by presenting false data, denying reality with expressions such as "I did not say that", "that was not the way you are telling it" or "don't you remember that you started it?

The abuser says that things happened that in reality did not happen with a firmness and certainty that is usually very credible, so that the victim ends up wondering if what she experienced was really the way she remembers it. Suddenly she finds herself thinking "maybe it's me, I'm exaggerating" or "maybe I'm right", doubting the facts, her sanity and what she felt. It is a manipulation technique that seeks in the other person the feeling of "I am seeing things where there are no things or I am hysterical". In the end, the victim's will is annulled and the perception of his or her reality is distorted, sometimes to such an extent that the victim's perception of reality is distorted.sometimes to such an extent that it is even the victim herself who ends up asking for forgiveness. Thus, the abuser takes advantage of any situation of emotional instability of the abused person to demonstrate his or her psychological vulnerability: "see how you are getting so upset about this nonsense"; "you are crazy" "you should see a psychiatrist", etc.

Well, one of the responses to this technique can be to write down the details of what happened right after the aggression, which will serve to know how the conflict has been. In this way, the victim will have more reasons to believe your version of events, even if the other person insists that things did not happen that way.

3. I did it because I love you

Using the concept of "love" as a weapon is also very common, and this is an attempt to convince the victim that the acts committed were a consequence of the love felt for him/her. "I hit you because I got jealous", "of course, I love you so much that I cannot imagine my life without you", "if I didn't care so much about you I wouldn't be like this", etc.

Here we must be very clear about "who loves you well, will make you love yourself" and leave aside the ideas that jealousy, possession and control are signs of love.

If someone hits you, he/she does not love you. If someone makes you feel inferior, they don't love you. If someone abuses you, they don't love you.

4. Blaming the victim for the facts

Blaming is another of the most common strategies in the profile of an abuser after an aggression.. Verbalizations such as: "you asked for it", "you were provoking", "if you know what I am like, why did you say that to me?" are usually used so that the abused person ends up believing that it was he/she who promoted the situation and that he/she deserved the consequences.

5. Emotional blackmail

This type of strategy consists of a manipulation in which the abuser threatens the victim with a series of catastrophic consequences that will occur if she does not do what he wants. that will occur if the victim does not do what he/she wants. Messages such as "if you leave me, I will take my life", "if you don't come back to me I will not answer for my actions", "without you I am nothing", etc... usually allude to the victim's weak points and serve to victimize themselves so that, in the end, the abused person feels pity, pity or fear and forgives them, because if not, they would feel guilty.

To act against emotional blackmail we must be very clear about what they are doing to us. I propose to make a list of all those threats that we believe can be used and memorize it, so that when they occur, we can be aware of the technique that is being used and be able to act.

6. Promises to change

Show repentance and swear that what has happened will not be repeated. and that all possible means will be put in place to change.

Here we must be clear that it is our actions that define us, not our words. It is useless to promise a change when a behavior is repeated time after time.

Something very important in all these strategies is time.. Do not leave time to be convinced. If it is clear to us that the situation is unjustifiable, we have no obligation to wait for them to try to explain their reasons or motives. The more time they are given, the easier it is for our criteria to weaken and for their arguments to gain strength, due to the power they have over us. Abuse does not usually happen from one day to the next, and that is why, when it occurs, the victim usually has low self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence, which the abuser will always use to his or her own advantage. That is why it is important not to let them develop their manipulative techniques.