Are we afraid of being ignored?

Invisible people in a society with a worrying absence of emotional ties.

Being invisible to society and at the same time being recognized by it are two phenomena more closely linked than we think. One of our greatest nightmares is to be repudiated as an outcast by the people around us. To be invisible or not to be invisible, to be ignored among our peers, can become a determining factor in life, with significant consequences in our way of being.

From Psychology and Mind we explain the causes of this reality that many people suffer, and we will try to point out some solutions

Our worst nightmare: being ignored by others.

I am sitting at a table in a bar, enjoying a good beer while listening to conversations between customers. In Spain. If you want to find out something, go straight to a bar, possibly because of that unhealthy habit of raising your voice, you always end up finding out everything even if you don't want to.

I turn my gaze to a boy who has chosen a secluded nook to engross himself in his reading hobby. The waiter has already served three tables whose diners arrived later than him. The boy looks at the waiter impatiently but he doesn't see him, he looks like a ghost.. However, a middle-aged man enters the establishment and everyone is aware of his presence, they turn to look at him, he is a recognized customer, one of those lifelong customers.

The waiter knows exactly what the man is going to have for breakfast and hurries to serve him amidst effusive conversations. The boy seems to be getting more and more irritated, not only because he feelsnot only because he feels ignored but also because of the histrionic joy between the customer and the waiter. Finally, he ends up shouting at the waiter and leaves with a frown on his face.

Invisible people in the image society

This event made me reflect that in a society as visual as the western one, everything is easily digestible slogans.. We have a vital obligation to portray absolutely everything, and a photo is always easy to take.And a photo is always easy to digest (as the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words).

We have developed the need to always be in the picture, and when this does not happen, the world comes down on us. It would be appropriate then to ask ourselves the following questions: what do we want to see in each image? How do we want to be seen or remembered? And last but not least: What do we really see in a photo?

This mystery has an answer: the information deposited in our brain, that is, all the data that we have introduced in the mind including the psychic dynamics transformed into habit and that forms the compendium of concepts that we have regarding our own being, society and the environment that surrounds us. In short, categorized information that has also been nourished by family, cultural and social idiosyncrasies..

From this point we have structured our psyche, in a complex system that obeys the schemes that have been mechanized as a gear in the deepest unconscious. When someone looks at us, it is not through his eyes but through his mind, and he sees (or rather interprets) what he has lived.

Solitude versus company

In the concept we have of ourselves (the self-concept) coexist both the drive to be absent and the inclination to be present. In certain areas of our lives we would like to have wide recognition while in others we need to disappear from the face of the Earth, to be completely invisible.

Alternating between this need for recognition and the need to remain inconspicuous is completely normal and logical. is something totally normal and logical, because throughout our lives we go through different contexts, both personal and social. The problem occurs when one becomes unhealthily obsessed with a single need, because the person who suffers from it is applying the same schemes and standards to totally different situations, thus generating a sense of frustration.

That is when the psyche needs to create a new perspective of the world and of itself.

"The worst sin towards our fellow men is not to hate them, but to treat them with indifference; this is the essence of humanity."

-Shakespeare

The fear of not having affective bonds

Our greatest fear is to be scorned, ignored or ignored.. Relationships are more productive when they are stable, when affective bonds are created that offer the subject long-term protection (since we are still social animals). The question is that the empirical experiences we live determine and condition different affective styles.

When certain affective styles deviate from the norm, society tends to reject the members who possess them, since they do not comply with the previously established social canons. In the same way that many recognitions are unfair, disproportionate or exaggerated, a large percentage of social exclusion is also unfair. We often boast of our justice, but we always end up making certain groups invisible; this is the evil of our century. In our century, we are more afraid of not standing out than of standing out, even if this has a negative effect.

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

-Oscar Wilde

Between reality and appearances

Not being visible is due to social adaptation problems, like the guy in the bar who only stood out when he yelled at the bartender. But I'm sure the boy didn't take the anger well. It didn't occur to him to make himself noticeable through dialogue and assertiveness.

Nevertheless, these situations are also due to certain illusions and expectations.The fact is that we are not recognized for what we are, but for what we appear to be, and this is a mere self-deception.

The reductionism of the senses

Many emperors, generals and leaders of antiquity feared not being remembered, and this fear hides an even greater fear: the fear of being ignored. Do we exist if no one sees us? Of course, it would be enough for everyone to accept themselves, with all their virtues and defects.But in order to do so, as transmitters and receivers, we have to strengthen all our senses, perhaps in this way we will not give so much importance to the image.

But sooner or later the look of the other comes; it can be a positive or negative judgment. Or much worse: we can be relegated to the half-colors of indifference.We can find ourselves relegated to the half-colors of indifference, that gray color that smells of mediocrity and in which we don't want to suffocate. It is just in the worst moments, just in that instant, when it is demonstrated if we are capable of loving ourselves or not.

In conclusion, it is a matter of making an introspective analysis and much more.We could start by including the sense of hearing in a totally visual world. The problem does not lie in not being seen, but in not being heard and not knowing how to listen, among others. We need to sharpen our hearing more and our sight less! We need to stimulate all our senses!