Assertive indifference: what it is and how it applies to conflicts.

Let's see what assertive indifference is and how it influences personal relationships.

Assertive indifference is a term that, although seemingly contradictory, is actually one of the best strategies we can use to overcome relational conflicts.

Originally applied to the field of couple relationships, the idea behind it is applicable to absolutely any environment in which there is a social interaction, where a subject tries to provoke another by saying or doing something offensive.

Assertive indifference is a behavior that voluntarily blocks any type of external reaction to an unpleasant stimulus, pretending not to be affected by it.by pretending that we are not affected by it. Let's see in a little more detail what it consists of.

What is assertive indifference?

You probably know what indifference is, and you probably also know what assertiveness is. Indifference is the state of mind in which a person does not feel inclination or rejection towards another subject; and assertiveness, a very popular term in psychology, is the ability to speak one's mind without being aggressive.. Knowing both terms, we may find the term "assertive indifference" somewhat contradictory, although we are sure that on more than one occasion you have put it into practice.

One might wonder how such a concept can exist. If assertiveness is the ability to say what we think, make claims or defend our rights without physical or verbal violence, how is it possible that there is something called assertive indifference? The truth is that it is indeed possible to be assertively indifferent and, in fact, it is very effective. Assertive indifference is a very useful tool when we want to avoid conflicts with other people or to avoid being manipulated. It is about blocking, in a voluntary way, any external reaction to a stimulus of social origin.

To put it more directly: it is to avoid getting into the fray. It is the ancestral strategy of not flinching when someone tries to provoke us. It is to apply the maxim "to foolish words, deaf ears".. And not only words, but also offensive gestures or any action that is directed at us with the purpose of making us react irritated. To be assertively indifferent is not to react and stay the same as we were in an annoying or uncomfortable situation.

To understand this better, let's look at it with a mundane example. Let's imagine that a schoolmate called us a nickname, something that bothers us a lot. In this particular situation, to respond with assertive indifference would be to not flinch when that person addresses us with that nickname. By behaving in this way we are telling him/her that we do not care what he/she calls us. This way we will not create a conflict and, probably, with the passage of time that partner will stop doing it.

Naturally, it is pretending. It's simulated behavior, behaving in a way that we don't really mean.. If we are told something ugly, the natural response of every person is to respond and become defensive, but that would be like adding fuel to the fire. On the other hand, by not responding when someone says or does something that bothers us, we give the sender of that behavior to understand that what he or she is doing does not affect us at all. The idea is not to show the other person how we feel.

So, what we are looking for with this indifference is to not to show our real emotions to the person who is trying to provoke us.. In this way, he will not know our weaknesses and will not be able to take advantage of them by manipulating us. It also happens that, by applying this tool, by not reacting to the unpleasant things they say or do to us, we will avoid a conflict that will go further. This tool is capable of eliminating any malicious behavior towards us, it only requires a little fortitude, patience and letting time pass.

Assertive indifference within the couple.

This type of indifference can be used for absolutely any relational sphere, being one of the most useful in which it proves most useful in the couple.. Couple relationships are often gardens of roses, but others also become battlefields. Within a couple, power play dynamics can occur and one of the partners wants to test how much influence he or she is able to have over the other. This is done by men and women, in heterosexual and also in homosexual relationships.

One of the moments when this is most evident is when what is colloquially called "groping" takes place. This is when one partner wants to test how much influence he or she has over the other, especially at the beginning of the relationship. It also occurs when the couple ends and, without much conviction, one of the two former partners wants to measure what chances he or she has to resume the relationship.

As we can see, it's a power struggle. To prevent this from going further, assertive indifference is crucial, a tool that in this context would prevent us from some conflicts during the relationship, in addition to avoid certain manipulations and emotional blackmail when the relationship has ended..

Using assertive indifference can serve to prevent some conflicts during the relationship, or to avoid certain manipulations, when the relationship has already ended. Pretending not to feel anything, even though it is not true, is a good tactic for protect yourself from escalating psychological manipulation..

A tool to protect ourselves from conflict

As we have commented, assertive disregard is applicable to many social settings. This tool is applicable to any day-to-day conflict situation.

Differences with others, even with those closest to us, are part of the routine. Most of the time, these differences are not important, but sometimes they lead to larger conflicts. It is as if a small spark can set a whole haystack on fire. One way or another, we constantly have to decide whether to make that difference escalate to unsuspected levels.

It is precisely a feature of assertiveness to decide what is important and what is not. Assertiveness is nothing less than that social skill that allows us to to defend our rights effectively, to put a limit to abuse without being aggressive or violent.. However, to be effective, we must also learn to distinguish when our rights are at serious risk and when they are not.

Not every conflict situation requires us to actively do something. Letting go, which is part of assertive indifference, implies having weighed up the pros and cons of responding to something that is harmful to us. Responding to a derogatory comment or an offensive gesture should only be done in case it endangers our physical integrity or robs us of something of value.

We can conclude that assertive disregard is a tool to manage potentially conflictive situations in an intelligent way.. Doing nothing may be the best way to deal with a provocation or attack. Being able to do nothing despite the fact that deep inside we would like to attack is, without a doubt, one of the best ways to avoid absurd conflicts.