Choosing a partner: 5 important aspects to keep in mind

Relationships: here is a guide to avoid making mistakes when choosing a partner.

Why do we fail so often when choosing a partner? Why do we perpetuate relationships that make us unhappy?

There is the possibility of making love a conscious choice, a decision made not only from emotion and impulsivity resulting from falling in love, but also from rationality and lucidity (all the lucidity you can have in a brain flooded with oxytocin).

The problem is not that love is predestined to failure: it is not. But knowing how to choose a partner is not always easy.

Wrong love choices

The problem comes when we rush into choosing a partner, either because we do not want or know how to be alone and we throw ourselves into the arms of the first one who gives us attention, or because we do not love ourselves, and we need someone else to make up for our lack of self-esteem with their care and affection, or because we are blinded by certain characteristics of the other that prevent us from seeing the whole of his or her personality.

Looking for a protective figure

If we relate to each other because of our lack of self-esteem, it is likely that we (unconsciously) look for a substitute for our father/mother in our partner, a nurse, a psychologist, a nurse's assistant or a psychologist.A nurse, a psychologist or someone who fulfills all these roles at the same time.

This will cause the relationship to become unbalanced, our demands will grow and we will never see our needs satisfied, the other person will become exhausted and the relationship will finally lead to unhappiness, hatred or rupture.

Therefore, the main step that we always forget is to learn to be alone with ourselves.

Being complete people, dealing with our shortcomings, establishing clear life goals, managing our emotions, tolerating frustration and fear of failure, self-care and loving ourselves as unique and unrepeatable people.managing our emotions, tolerating frustration and fear of failure, taking care of ourselves and loving ourselves as the unique and unrepeatable people that we are... all these factors will allow our emotional life to be healthier and more beneficial for everyone.

Mini-guide on choosing a partner

Once we have carried out this task of introspection and personal work, we will be (relatively) ready to start a love relationship.

What filters can we use when choosing the person with whom to start a relationship?

1. Remembering our failed relationships

Avoiding the "ex" in the body of another person is necessary, since we tend to always choose the same type of partners, and therefore to recreate pathological relationship patterns and always end up in conflict for the same reasons.

Identify what went wrong in your previous relationships and what characteristics the new partner (and you) must have in order not to end up in the same bad way.

2. Look for commonalities

Observe and identify the values, beliefs, and life expectations of the other person and evaluate if they objectively match yours.

If, for example, you do not want to have children and you enter into a relationship with a woman who wants to be a mother, sooner or later a great conflict will be generated that will lead either to end the relationship, or to renounce one of the partners to your life plan, which will generate rage, anger, frustration and dissatisfaction.

3. Examine the conversation

One of the most enriching experiences of being in a couple is opening up to the other person and being able to share emotions, concerns and feelings through words. and being able to share emotions, concerns and feelings through words.

When there is no fluid conversation, it is likely to quickly lead to boredom and dissatisfaction.

4. Pay attention to a sense of humor

Life is too short to decide to spend it with someone who doesn't make you laugh. It is therefore important that you and your partner share a sense of humor and are able to have fun together.

5. Same degree of commitment in the relationship

Whether it is a monogamous or polygamous relationship, the important thing is that both partners agree on the degree of exclusivity by which they want to build their relationship. by which they want to build their relationship.

Can the relationship still "fail" by following these guidelines?

Of course it can. First of all, we have to free ourselves from the idea of the couple as something eternal, of the "forever", since within the uncertainty that a relationship implies, anything can happen.

It is therefore important to continue building our life beyond the couple, making it an important part of our life, but not a whole, eliminating from our vocabulary phrases like "you are my life", "I can not live without you", "always yours" more typical of emotional and affective dependence than love.