Compassion: a basic tool in our relationships

How can we develop this skill in order to be happier?

Compassion is sensitivity to the suffering of oneself and others. Its objective goes beyond understanding, it mobilizes the individual towards the commitment to alleviate and prevent such discomfort.

Although it is necessary, compassion is not socially well regarded.. For many, it arouses contradictory emotions and becomes an unwelcome feeling. Rejecting the possibility of feeling it in the first person and having others feel it deprives the individual of a basic tool for emotional balance.

The importance of compassion

This week, Pilar Hurtado, a collaborating physician at Instituto de Asistencia Psicológica y Psiquiatrica Mensalus, presents compassion as a fundamental tool for our personal relationships and encourages us to receive it from love for oneself and for the other.

In reality, for many, the concept of compassion has a negative connotation ("I don't want them to feel compassion for me"). Why is it so difficult to integrate this concept?

Yes, this is an oft-repeated phrase. It is true that because of our Judeo-Christian roots, compassion is not well regarded, it seems to undervalue or belittle those who suffer. However, compassion, from the Buddhist perspective, is the love and affection from which one listens to one's own Pain and the pain of others; it is sensitivity to suffering, with the commitment to alleviate and prevent it.

Its essence is far removed from prejudice, disparagement or invalidation, and is directly related to motivation and love. In other words. It is a behavior aimed at producing well-being in the one who suffers (we repeat, either oneself or another person). In fact, compassion is a necessary instrument to achieve personal calm.

Otherwise, we would be continuously immersed in a titanic duel.

Why?

Because of a double war: the struggle between the different states/faces of the self ("I blame myself for") and the struggle of self against the world ("I blame others for"). Of course, living like this is exhausting. Therefore, compassion provides a state of peace and tranquility from which we gain the basic well-being to open ourselves to all other contexts, enhance our personal relationships and feel fulfilled.

What else does self-compassion imply?

Self-compassion refers to the loving treatment we give ourselves when things do not go well and, consequently, shame and self-criticism surface. Self-compassion is an act of self-listening that sets aside blaming thoughts to promote respect. It is a clear sign of self-care.

Its structure is very complete. If we break it down, we find an emotional component, a cognitive component, and a behavioral component. The balance between these three elements is what makes it an efficient tool.

Tell us more...

First of all, compassion is an emotion that arises when we perceive the suffering of others and provokes an impulse to alleviate the suffering we perceive. On the other hand, it implies a cognitive component consisting of several facets: attention to the suffering of others, the evaluation/analysis of this suffering, and the recognition of our capacities to intervene and alleviate it in an efficient way. Finally, compassion is also defined by a behavioral component that responds to the commitment and decision to carry out actions aimed at eliminating suffering.

Differentiating between empathy and compassion

Are compassion and empathy the same thing?

It is easy to confuse compassion with empathy. Empathy is the ability to put oneself in the other person's place; it is the ability to understand and respect his or her thoughts, feelings and behavior. To be empathetic means to intellectually understand the suffering of others. Good. Compassion is something else.

Compassion differs from empathy because, in addition to understanding perceived suffering, it awakens an impulse to take an action that attends to that suffering with wisdom. Compassionate action can go to neutralize the cause of the suffering, but its primary motivation is to accompany the pain with courage and strength while it is present. As we pointed out, it is a mobilizing feeling: it seeks care and attention.

And what is the difference between self-compassion and self-esteem?

Self-esteem increases when we do things right. Self-compassion refers to how we see and treat ourselves (the way we address ourselves) when things have not gone well. It cultivates a relationship of acceptance and non-judgment of ourselves (whether we succeed or fail). Self-compassion is one of the fundamental ingredients of positive self-concept and, with it, of self-esteem. Without self-compassion, can we care for ourselves with love and affection?

Broadly speaking, how can we develop compassion?

On an individual level, meditation is perfect for developing this capacity. Likewise, experiencing compassion and the impact it generates through group work is, without a doubt, another excellent way.

In recent years, various programs have been created to train compassion towards oneself and others (both in the general population and in the population with mental pathology). The results have shown a reduction in anxiety, anger, hostility and depression among participants, as well as an increase in Mindfulness skills.

Specifically, Paul Gilbert (2015) has developed Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) from an evolutionary perspective and a model of emotional regulation for people with high degrees of shame and self-criticism.

Gilbert tells us that in order to develop compassion it is necessary to practice attention to the suffering of others. This is one of the first points to train. From here it is possible to empathize with the objective of intellectually understanding their suffering. Finally, as we explained, going a step further translates into devising and carrying out behaviors that seek to alleviate the perceived suffering. These behaviors can be aimed at finding physical contact and/or transmitting a message: "I care about you and I care about your pain".

For all this, it is interesting to investigate our personal experience and foster confidence in our wisdom in a safe space. Group work offers this space.

What would you say to all those people who are reading this interview and are initially uncomfortable with compassion?

The practice of compassion offers an internal dialogue with a therapeutic power capable of alleviating suffering and increasing happiness regardless of external circumstances. Training compassion generates a balance that, from the outside, is difficult to understand.

For this reason, to all those readers who fear compassion, I would encourage them to do some introspection work that brings them closer to answers, and I would invite them to give themselves the opportunity to grow this essential tool for personal relationships, far from judgment and criticism.