Emotional attachments: why they occur and what to do about them

Emotional attachments keep us in dysfunctional relationships that trap us.

The dreaded emotional attachments... Yes, those love stories that you get hooked on and that don't usually end well.How many of us have lost our minds over someone who didn't love us back or who seemed to love us back but then didn't pay any attention to us?

Understanding why these emotional attachments occur is the first step to free ourselves from them. We will also see some ways to feel better.

What does an emotional attachment consist of?

The mystery of the love attachment is simple: as long as that person gives me what I want from time to time, the bad that he gives me or what he does not give me is compensated. One lime and one sand. In psychology this is known as intermittent reinforcement: only sometimes I get what I want. This ends up generating anxiety, which does not help us to see things clearly or to make good decisions.

On the other hand, it has been shown that intermittent reinforcement is at the basis of many addictions. Also love addiction.

Let me explain it to you with an example

Imagine that you have a great but broken down car that only starts sometimes. The truth is that you could take the bus, which always takes you where you need to go and doesn't let you down.

Your car sometimes leaves you in the lurch in the mornings and it's a stress to have to rush to work afterwards. But because it's on your street and when it starts it's a joy because it gets you there faster, you keep trying to start it in the mornings. Sometimes it starts, sometimes it doesn't, but you're still there, insisting..

Dysfunctional relationships

At times, the lack of effort and correspondence from the other party is ambiguous; at others, there are explicit messages of rejection that we refuse to accept.

I also think it is important to point out that living with these attachments does not always does not always mean that we have a tendency to get involved in this type of relationship.Many times, the attachment is purely a consequence of the dynamics and behavior of the other person. And although it is true that our self-esteem may not be at its best at the beginning, it will certainly suffer as time goes by.

How to detect them?

Check the following list to see if you see yourself reflected in any of the symptoms of emotional attachment:

• The other seems to have the power, i.e., you often think "I love him/her more than he/she loves me" so you have more to "lose".
• You often justify his behavior: "He's confused, he's going through a rough patch with his job/family", etc. Be careful, you will be normalizing the fact that this relationship does not bring you what you need.
• You personalize their lack of interest: "Actually, it's me, I'm a little heavy with Whatsapps and I'm always on my cell phone".
• Sometimes it seems that you are seeing the relationship only as it was at times when it made you happy, but you are not attentive to the present.
• You change aspects of your personal identity to conform to the other person. For example, musical tastes, ways of dressing?
• You may be gradually forgetting about your friendships and social support network, as the relationship consumes most of your time and energy.

In addition, in situations like this we may have contradictory feelings towards that person. We are hopelessly attracted to him/her, but at the same time we would "kill him/her". These polarized emotions destabilize us and often make us make impulsive or wrong decisions. For example, writing to her and making a big deal out of it or doing it to her in person.

In addition, we women have been taught have been taught that we have to go to love naked and that we can't do anything to avoid suffering.. The myths of romantic love do us a lot of harm when it comes to relationships. Fear of loneliness does not help either.

What to do if you are in this situation?

Of course, the first step is to recognize that you are in this dynamic.. Recognize that it was not always like this and ask yourself: Is this what I want? What do I look for in a relationship? Instability or stability? Uncertainty or confidence in the future?

Now think of a friend or acquaintance who has gone through the same thing. If you were there, remember what you were saying to her or what you were thinking seeing her suffer like that. Weigh your own suffering. It is just as important, if not more so, because it is your own.

It may be helpful to do some decision-making exercises, such as the following. It's like the typical pros and cons exercise, but with short and long term each time. Don't leave anything out: the material, the sexual, the emotional?

If you don't want to talk to anyone, for fear that they will judge you, it's normal.. But try not to isolate yourself. Your friends are still there. And you can always ask them to refer to behaviors and not to ways of being. Or ask them not to give you their opinion, if all you need is to be heard.

Go out on your own. If it's for a few days, all the better. By being alone you eliminate a lot of mental noise. It may be helpful to start a journal and focus on how you feel rather than the facts.

Give yourself lots of treats. Like this. Did you know that an attitude changes after a change of action? You can do the test by smiling slightly every time you feel bad. You will notice how after a few minutes you begin to feel calmer. Change the way you act. Show yourself self-love with small daily acts. And little by little you will feel it.

Emotional attachments are not easy to overcome on your own.If you feel you need a little push, don't hesitate to ask for help. In my online therapy sessions I can teach you tools to feel better, and I can do it accompanied.