Emotional emptiness: when something is missing that we can’t explain

Feeling empty inside is a very common experience linked to the feeling of loneliness.

"I have everything and I lack nothing but I feel empty inside". This is one of the phrases I hear most often in consultation and I am sure this thought has crossed your mind more than once.

What is the reason for this kind of emotional emptiness?

"I feel empty inside".

Beyond the most basic material needs there are many others that, at some point, can cause discomfort if they are not satisfied. This emptiness could be likened to the shape of a deep black hole located in our stomach or chest. We could feel it like when we look into a well and we only see darkness and we are not able to see the bottom.

It is an emptiness that becomes a very a very painful sensation and a great feeling of loneliness.You feel that there is something you need to feel complete, but you may not know what it is, and that something is a need for affection and approval.

On the other hand, one of the most damaging aspects of this situation is the difficulties it generates when it comes to identifying the cause of the discomfort. Not knowing where to direct our efforts to make the situation better can turn this experience into something that produces despair and uneasiness.

Fighting emotional emptiness

Many people fight this emptiness in different ways thinking that this way they will be able to complete themselves. Some people start exercising excessively, others increase their alcohol consumption, some people find themselves putting in longer hours than usual at work; some people gorge themselves on food and others start having a lot of sexual relations, in search of finding that person who can fill the emotional void they feel and that someone else has left.

This last behavior would make mention of the popular saying that we all know "a nail pulls out another nail".

What do I intend to achieve with these behaviors?

To fill the emptiness I feel. It is true that these resources that one takes help to control that sensation momentarily, as well as the anxiety and the nervousness, but what is the reality? That emptiness continues to be within us and if we do not work on it in time, it can complicate our day to day life.

It is necessary to assume that a good part of the emotional emptiness comes from a bad management of the attention. The fact of believing that nothing we do is meaningful comes from an excessive distance with respect to our own life, as if what happens to us were happening in a documentary.

What are we getting out of this solution that has been put in place?

What I do is to anesthetize this feeling when I connect with it. Let's imagine an inflatable mattress that has been punctured, what we do is to fix it with a patch knowing that this quick solution will only last for a while and that later, possibly, this patch will peel off and eventually we will have to buy another new mattress. In other words, I try to put different patches on my black hole to plug it, but the result is that I get back to the initial point.

Psychological problems must be solved at their root, addressing the dynamics that produce them. It is not enough to simply carry out initiatives based on reflection and introspection.

The causes

The causes of emotional emptiness are usually several, all of them affecting our expectations and beliefs at the same time.. Perhaps when you were a child you did not receive the affection you needed, or perhaps you lived through many overwhelming fights at home or did not feel that your efforts and results were validated. Or maybe you experienced a loss or bonding that was important to you.

This may lead you, now in adulthood, to have a negative self-concept and a need for and excessive dependence on attention and approval from others. These can be predisposing factors for me to feel incomplete, empty and alone. I need the other person to form the puzzle, because without them I lack the piece that completes me.

Dissatisfaction in relationships

In consultation I meet patients who are dissatisfied with their relationship or perhaps with the job they have worked so hard to get, but they cling to it for fear of loneliness, in the case of the relationship, or for fear of frustration that can be felt when you realize that the job you had always wanted does not meet your expectations. That is to say, I can have a partner with whom I feel comfortable and who loves me, but perhaps the relationship does not satisfy me and I can feel lonely and empty because of it.

That is why, sometimes we look for what is missing in my current relationship in someone else, but without being able to disassociate ourselves from the relationship.but without being able to disassociate ourselves from our partner. It is important that you take this emptiness as an alarm signal that something is not right within you and that it does not make you feel fulfilled and does not allow you to achieve the emotional well-being you desire.

On the other hand, we must not forget that instrumentalizing personal and affective relationships in this way not only harms us; it also harms those who accompany us. That is why giving up this type of dynamics not only frees us from a lot of discomfort, but also benefits other people.

Denial of reality and false expectations

What happens? Many times we look the other way or turn a deaf ear to this emptiness because we do not want to encounter reality. we don't want to encounter the reality We often look the other way or turn a deaf ear to this emptiness because we don't want to face the reality that makes us feel this way, causing great difficulty in maintaining our emotional well-being.

The problem is when we confuse desires with needs, causing yourself this emotional discomfort. What do I mean? When you think that your relationship is so valuable that without it you will never be happy again. Or that if you decide to leave that job that does not meet the expectations you thought it would, you will never be able to achieve success.

Therefore, I propose an exercise: leave aside the material solutionsPut on a pair of glasses and a swimsuit and dive inside yourself, to identify what it is that you do not feel good about and that is causing you that feeling of emptiness. Because it is in our interior where is the key to reach our happiness again.

The objective is to make this emptiness smaller and and that we can live with it without it hurting us.. And you will ask yourself, but can't it disappear completely? The answer is no, because everything we experience leaves an internal trace, so we all have that little emptiness.

It is important that you take the reins of this discomfort in order to be able to regulate and manage your emotions. You don't have to go through this alone, you may need help to take control and we can help you. Remember: it is a brave and responsible solution to achieve your emotional well-being.