Emotional invalidation: what is it, types, how does it affect us, and examples?

Emotional invalidation not only generates discomfort; it can also lead to psychological disorders.

It is very likely that we have all heard phrases like "what you are worried about is nothing", "you are drowning in a glass of water", "I don't know why you worry so much about things that are so unimportant", "you are melodramatic, you take everything to heart" and other phrases of the kind that, in addition to not helping someone who may need it, what is being done is to invalidate their emotions.

Emotional invalidation occurs in those acts of everyday life in which other people's emotions are rejected or downplayed, and can be provoked in oneself when one tries to deny or avoid certain emotions that are being felt at certain times.

In this article we will briefly explain what emotional invalidation consists of. and what are some of the most common situations in which it usually occurs in people's lives, as well as its influence within the factors favoring the development of borderline personality disorder.

What does emotional invalidation consist of?

Emotional invalidation consists of those lived experiences in which one has suffered the denial of one's own feelings on the part of other people, or the avoidance or the rejection of one's own feelings by other people.It is an experience that, unfortunately, most people have suffered at some time or even on numerous occasions throughout their lives, and it may have been the case that other people have acted incorrectly without intending to do so, either by an oversight or ignorance of the correct way to act in a given situation.

Be that as it may, it is worth bearing in mind some of the most common forms of emotional invalidation towards other people in order to become aware of them and avoid their recurrence due to the harm they could cause to others.

Different types of emotional invalidation

The following is an explanation of some of the most common forms of emotional invalidation.

Downplaying something that is of concern to someone else

A very common form of emotional invalidation is the one that occurs in situations in which we have told someone that we are sad for some reason and instead of trying to put themselves in our place, they simply tell us "that's not important, they simply tell us "that's nothing, you shouldn't worry about it".You're just worried about everything, you're drowning in a glass of water" and similar phrases that come to mind.

In turn, most of us have said them at some point to other people, perhaps because we were not in the mood at the time or because it did not seem so relevant. And, although we probably did not do it with bad intentions, it is important to keep in mind that each person lives things and sees them in a different way from others, and that is why we should respect them and not judge whether what worries them we consider to be serious or not, but we should simply show that person our support when they tell us something that worries them, making them feel heard and understood.

2. Emotional repression

There are times when it is not others who cause the invalidation, but rather it is oneself who is invalidating oneself on an emotional level. This happens when we feel bad and try to hide our discomfort in order to try to keep people around us with the aim of trying to keep the people around us from realizing that we are not going through a good time, perhaps because we are ashamed of being judged or for any other reason.

The reality is that when we repress our emotions, we are more likely to end up "exploding" in a way that is more damaging than if we had expressed the emotion in the first place and sought help, either from someone close to us whom we can trust or from a mental health professional.

In some cases, an emotional invalidation such as the one that suppresses our emotions could have negative repercussions in several areas of our life, and also could cause symptoms of stress and anxiety..

3. Judging emotions

A form of emotional invalidation is when you judge the emotions of another person, through actions such as telling him/her that he/she is too sensitive. And this, in addition to not helping the other person, could facilitate the increase of their discomfort by not feeling neither understood nor supported.

In this case something similar to the cases in which the importance of the worries of others is downplayed occurs, and the same advice should be followed, and that is that we should try to empathize with that person and accept that just because we do not find what is worrying that person serious does not mean that he or she should stop feeling that way because of it.

If we try to put ourselves in their place, perhaps we could understand that they have enough reasons to worry or, at least, even if we do not fully understand their reasons for being like this, simply showing our support and showing that we are there, may be enough and what that person really needs.

4. Believing that what happens to oneself is more serious than what happens to others.

Another very frequent emotional invalidation that is given in the daily life is that one that happens when a person tells a friend or relative that he is passing it badly by certain circumstances and the other person responds "that's nothing, if I tell you what I'm going through right now...", or phrases like "it could be nothing, if I tell you what I'm going through right now...".or phrases like "it could be worse, if you knew what I've been through".

These ways of responding to someone who comes to another person because they are going through it, not only will not help them feel better, but could provoke just the opposite and make them feel that what is happening to them is not really important, when in fact for that person it is, and that is what you have to take into account.

• You might be interested in: "What is guilt and how can we manage this feeling?"

Strategies to avoid emotional invalidation.

Some of the guidelines to avoid the emotional invalidation of other people would be the following:

• Do not judge what another person feels.
• Listen carefully to what they say and put yourself in their shoes to understand how they feel.
• On certain occasions, the best recourse might be to give the person a hug.
• Tell the other person that he/she can tell us how he/she feels and that we are there.
• Show understanding to the other person when he/she tells us how he/she is feeling and is having a hard time.
• Do not downplay what is bothering the other person.
• Do not compare what is happening to yourself with what the other person is going through.

Other guidelines to avoid emotional invalidation of oneself are the following:

• Learn to listen to yourself to understand the emotions you are feeling.
• Do not repress emotions.
• Avoid escape routes to avoid our emotions.
• Give yourself a break and do not force yourself to recover prematurely when you are going through a bad moment.
• Let off steam when necessary and in front of people you can trust.
• Seek the help of a psychologist if we consider it necessary because we feel overwhelmed.

Influence of emotional invalidation in borderline personality disorder (BPD)

There are studies that indicate that the development of borderline personality disorder (BPD) is caused by an interrelationship between social and genetic influences, with genes or heredity playing a determining role. For example, in studies with univiteline or monozygotic twins, it was found that when one of them was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, the other had a 55% chance of developing the same disorder.

On the other hand, when they had experienced situations of violence or abandonment at an early age, this was also a favoring factor.This was also a factor favoring the development of borderline personality disorder. Likewise, there are studies that found that 60% of the patients in the sample who had been diagnosed with BPD had suffered sexual abuse during their childhood.

Whether having suffered trauma during childhood has determined the later development of BPD, without finding any other favoring factors is still a subject of debate and research.

Professionals representing dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT), designed as a psychological treatment for borderline personality disorder, argue that negative social influences in childhood are highly detrimental to that person's emotional regulation, which favors a later development of personality disorder.which favors a later development of BPD.

In this sense, the emotional invalidation of a child, being despised and/or ridiculed by his parents plays a relevant role, for example, when the child cries because he has hurt himself and his mother tells him: "Don't play the fool, you are not hurting anything, so don't be exaggerated".

The emotional invalidation or maximum contempt would be that which children who have suffered sexual abuse experience, and it is in this type of cases in which their feelings and emotions have been deeply despised, dishonored and outraged. their feelings and emotions have been deeply despised, dishonored and outraged, being a weighty factor in the possible later development of BPD..

In short, the studies so far have not found a univocal determinant in the development of borderline personality disorder, but they have been able to discover a series of negative factors experienced during childhood that have a very important influence on the possible development of this disorder in later years (for example, emotional invalidation taken to the extreme, having suffered sexual abuse, having experienced a traumatic situation and the role of genes, among others).