Empty love: what it is, its characteristics and how to identify it in a relationship

Let's see what empty love is and how it is embodied in relationships.

Love relationships can be of many types. There are those with passion, intimacy and commitment, lived fully and very satisfying. Others, on the other hand, become more empty, lacking passion but maintained by the mere fact that it is difficult to break them after such a long time.

Empty love is the shell of what was once a relationship full of passion and deep understanding of two people and deep knowledge of two people who loved each other very much. Now it is simply a relationship maintained because it is difficult to get out of the comfort zone which, although unpleasant, is preferable to any change.

This type of love is one of those proposed by the famous American psychologist the famous American psychologist Robert J. Sternberg in his triangular theory, being this empty love the one we are going to delve into next.

What is empty love?

Love is something that can be very beautiful, magical even. While everyone lives it in their own way, each person having a different concept of love, there is no doubt that it is better to have love in our lives than not to have it.

There are people who understand that in a couple's relationship the priority should be shared time and others who value freedom. There are also those for whom sex is fundamental in a love relationship, while others see it as a secondary role.

It is no mystery that the spark of love can be extinguished. The magic, the passion, the intimacy, the pleasure and the excitement of seeing our partner can fade, for whatever reason. In many occasions this ends up in couple problems, infidelities or directly, in the rupture of the relationship. However, in others it happens that the relationship continues, they are still a couple, sometimes preserved more to avoid the bad pill of breaking up than because they have the illusion that one day the flame of love will return. Only the shell of love remains, an empty love.

Empty love is not uncommon. It is a situation faced by many people who have been together for years. The passage of time, routine and misunderstandings in the relationship have meant that its members no longer love each other as much as they used to. The flame of passion has been extinguished and intimacy has been lost.

The bond has frayed, gradually making those who used to be in love more and more like companions. The partners feel little for each other, although this does not mean that there is no respect.

• You may be interested in, "What is affection and why does it mark us throughout life?"

Sternberg's triangular theory of love.

The idea of empty love comes from the triangular theory of love, proposed by Robert J. Sternberg. This psychologist made important contributions to the understanding of interpersonal and affective relationships, developing a theory of love that still has repercussions today. In his model, Sternberg presented love as a pyramid with three vertexes, each of which contains an indispensable element for love:

1. Passion

Passion refers to the physical attraction, excitement and the need to be close to the other person.. It includes the whole area of sexuality, but it also includes romantic desire and the need to seek physical and emotional union with the other person.

This passion is very present at the beginning of relationships, and it is common for it to diminish as time goes by.

2. Intimacy

Intimacy is the connection, complicity and trust between the members of the couple.. In it we find the feelings of affection and mutual closeness, aspects that make up a solid friendship, at a deeper level than one would have with a friend.

Intimacy makes the two lovers get to know each other, nurturing trust with each other. This intimacy usually occurs when the relationship is a little more advanced, the passion is stabilized and people already have a deeper mutual knowledge.

3. Commitment

The third element of Sternberg's model is commitment, which is directly related to the decision to continue in the relationship in the long term. It is the willingness to maintain the bond despite the problems that may arise throughout the relationship, valuing the shared history between the members of the couple and with the desire to achieve their life project together.

Empty love in the triangular theory

Now that we have seen the three elements of Sternberg's model, we can understand that it proposes the existence of different types of love depending on whether they present one or another certain combination of them.

Depending on these three elements proposed by Sternberg, several combinations can arise, giving rise to up to seven types of love. that give rise to up to seven types of love, which we see below in a very schematic way

• Affection = intimacy
• Infatuation = passion
• Romantic love = passion + intimacy
• Sociable love = intimacy + commitment
• Fatuous love = passion + commitment
• Consummate love = passion + intimacy + commitment

In the case of the seventh, which is empty love, there is the will to continue the relationship but there is neither complicity nor sexual or romantic desire, there is a willingness to continue the relationship but there is neither complicity nor sexual or romantic desire.. In other words, there is commitment, but there is neither passion nor intimacy.

This type of love is typical of relationships of convenience or interested parties, whose members did not know each other before the union and have barely had time to awaken passion and establish some intimacy. It is also common in couples with a long history of life and who have not known how to manage the passage of time very well and have not gotten to know each other better despite having been together for so long.

In the case of couples who previously had passion and intimacy, instead of stabilizing the former and acquiring more of the latter, what happens is that sexual desire and trust are lost. Only commitment has remained, evidenced by the mere fact that one does not want to end the relationship because one prefers to live in a hollow but stable relationship. they prefer to live in a hollow but stable relationship..

On many occasions, you continue with the relationship because, if you are married with children, the divorce papers and the fight for the custody of the little ones is something you are not willing to go through.

Recovering consummate love

Many couples find themselves going through a phase where what is there is empty love, just the opposite of what Sternberg referred to when in the relationship there is not only commitment, but also passion and intimacy: consummate love.

Commitment is a very important part of any relationship.Without it, the relationship may not survive the passage of time. Passion and intimacy, without commitment, can be found in relationships as intense as summer love affairs, very romantic and also very brief.

Fortunately for those who are immersed in a relationship with empty love, there is a solution to this problem.. It is possible to work on several areas of the couple so that the empty love becomes a consummated one, recovering the lost passion and intimacy. To do this, first of all, it is necessary to address those areas that usually lead to empty love, which are.

• Neglect of the physical aspect that makes the partner less attractive.
• Excess of obligations, routines and commitments that take time away from the relationship.
• Little self-disclosure: not confiding concerns, dreams, desires... to the partner.
• Monotonous and repetitive life as a couple that takes away passion.
• Stress and anxiety that leads to irritability and toxic dynamics.
• Taking the relationship for granted and not making an effort to surprise your partner.
• Neglecting daily details and displays of affection

These are the the main problems that may have led a relationship to become one where empty love is what defines it.. As you can see from these areas we have just seen, most of them have relatively easy solutions, requiring a little effort, time and motivation to change them. Surprising your partner with a romantic date on your wedding anniversary, for his or her birthday, or simply because it's about time is a good first step. And it is never too late to take such a step.