Example, a great teacher

The way we look up to our fathers and mothers has a great influence on us.

When the decision is made to live as a couple, it must be taken into account that this union will be formed by two people with their own singularities and clear differences, among other things because they had very particular family environments, which formed them to be who they are.

Thus, when it comes to facing the couple's crisis, each one will try to solve it according to what he/she has learned. The whole complexity of human behavior has to do with their upbringingIt is from there where the person takes his referents to respond to the circumstances that he must face.

Learning from family referents

The way in which we interpret the circumstances in which we live is directly related to the unconscious modeling that each one of us has, which is copied directly from the example we received from our parents. Although each member of the couple has lived through very particular situations, it is amazing how these experiences are connected with the purpose of teaching each one of them what he or she must learn in order not to repeat these patterns..

The problem, I would say, begins in the falling in love phase, because most of the traumas acquired in the childhood phase are not visible, but as people spend more time together, situations arise which will accentuate the differences, unleashing an avalanche of problems and sufferings and sufferings that hide patterns and learnings, causing an extremely difficult coexistence that could even end in the rupture of the relationship.

Abused children and adult abusers

Abuse is one of the most consulted topics in therapeutic processes and very rarely are people people are rarely aware of what really motivates them to be aggressive in their couple or family relationships.. For some, it is quite a discovery to realize the pattern they repeat and the lesson they need to learn, and the most unfortunate thing is that in many cases it is too late to repair all the damage they have caused.

This dysfunctional dynamic that occurs between the couple is not a product of chance, because in cases like this both, to a greater or lesser extent, suffered situations of abuse, and although these circumstances may have been similar, they did not affect them in the same way.

Patterns of maltreatment established during upbringing are the product of environments where they witnessed frequent fights between the parents, where the father was abusive and attacked the mother.Many of these fights were triggered by the constant complaints of the mother, who realized that her partner was unfaithful and/or irresponsible with the needs of the home, or because he abused alcohol, or because the children were also physically and/or psychologically abused, etc.

Finding themselves immersed in a sea of suffering and with no possibility of change on the part of their partner, over the years many mothers decide to separate and take over the upbringing of their children. This situation, which was the only viable option (although having allowed much time to pass), also formed behavioral patterns that affected the children in different ways. These patterns, which are part of the human unconscious, become translators of the reality of each one; the interpretation they give to the circumstance they live in the present, is the one they use to continue living their daily circumstances.

These patterns form translators that act mechanically and instinctively. For example, when something happens in the family dynamics with which they do not agree, the pattern of anger erroneously translates that it is necessary to respond to this disagreement with blows or insults; and so on and so forth. and so on, totally dysfunctional behaviors are presented, where resentment, resentment where resentment, low self-esteem, irresponsibility, dishonesty in the relationship, abandonment or helplessness syndrome, inclination towards vices, etc. emerge.

A change of roles

When the separation of the parents happens at a very early age of the children, the emptiness generated by the father figure in both boys and girls is very different.. In general, the mother has to assume these two roles, and in many cases she has to rely on the help of her older son or daughter, who assumes a leadership role to complement tasks, especially with the care of their siblings.

This assignment of tasks at early ages has caused much frustration and anger towards the father, but also towards the mother, because many of them have stopped living their normal stages of development. left their normal stages of development to become precocious adults in order to cope with the burdens imposed by the mother..

For certain adults, the mother's words ("now you are the man of the house") continue to weigh dysfunctionally, even though time has passed and they have made their own lives.