Fear of rejection and abandonment: what does it really mean and how to manage it?

A reflection on the causes and meanings behind the fear of rejection and abandonment.

One of the most common fears we feel today is of abandonment and rejection, two similar sensations that feed back on each other.. Feeling rejection, a feeling similar to frustration, leads to a sense of abandonment where we sink deeper into feelings of loneliness, discouragement and emptiness.

These fears often occur frequently in couple experiences, but they also occur in family, social or friendship contexts. It also occurs when we feel the need to bond with someone and that experience seems to elude us or is denied..

What is the origin of the problem? Is the problem really in what happens, or in how we understand and manage it?

• Related article, "What is fear for?"

Understanding the fear of abandonment and rejection

One of the most common problems when wanting and needing to go through a process of personal change is usually related to relationships, whether it is a relationship, social or work-related. In psychological consultation it is common to work with this type of difficulties.

Although people do not usually consider the problem at first (they think more of insecurity, insecurity (they think more in insecurity, discouragement or couple problems in general) as the process progresses we discover that these two fears are there, conditioning the relationships.

That is to say, it is not that these two fears are a consequence of what happens to us, but the fact that they are present conditions what happens.

Sometimes this seems strange to us, but it is what really happens: do we cry because we are sad, or are we sad because we cry? Although we tend to think it is the former, we actually work the other way around. It is our previous actions, thoughts, interpretations and emotions that condition what happens to us and lead us, again and again, to that unpleasant feeling of rejection and abandonment. and lead us, again and again, to that unpleasant feeling of rejection and abandonment.

My name is Rubén Camacho, psychologist and Human Empowerment coach. For 11 years I have been accompanying people in their personal change processes, and this difficulty is one of the most frequent. In this article we have several objectives: first, to know what is really the origin of these feelings (that is, how you understand and manage what has happened and happens to you so that you continue to feel this way); secondly, to discover what they lead you to; and finally, to learn how to manage it to get the change you deserve and need (not with magical and general keys but from your own personal change, since this is what really works, is internalized and serves you forever). Let's go there!

The meaning of fear of rejection and abandonment.

It may seem obvious, but... what does the fear of rejection and abandonment mean?

The fear of rejection is not only the fear that others will reject us, but the fear that your well-being, your self-concept and your own self-esteem will be damaged due to the behaviors of others. That is: your well-being is dependent on what you cannot control. In this case, it depends on what we interpret as rejection. You may feel and think that rejection does indeed occur, but here it is good that we also consider what exactly rejection is.

The human being naturally rejects.. We are beings with a limited capacity to process information. We are constantly accepting and rejecting. Sometimes, we may refuse to even be with our loved ones or to face a certain conversation or activity.

However, we are able to understand this in a relationship based on trust. When a relationship is based on insecurity, either because it is not built or because there is fragility, it is common to feel that the other rejects us precisely because we are observing that rejection, waiting to interpret any behavior of the other to understand it as a rejection.

Try to imagine that you are very afraid of dogs. What do you do when you see a dog in the street? You immediately cross the sidewalk. Is the dog dangerous? Crossing the sidewalk makes you feel safer, but you validate the idea that the dog was a danger, since moving away from it makes you feel more at peace.

In the same way, the fact of feeling fear of rejection makes us interpret what happens as a future possibility of danger. In turn, this conditions our behaviors, which can generate conflicts in relationships.

In relation to the fear of abandonment, it is usually a consequence of the fear of rejection. If rejection is experienced through frustration or anxiety, abandonment leads to a feeling of emptiness, emptiness and anxiety, abandonment leads to a feeling of emptiness, helplessness or discouragement.. Abandonment is an emptiness because we feel that we do not connect or bond with the people we need. In turn, this feeling is based on the way we have learned to build our relationships or attachment bonds: whether from trust or from insecurity.

In both cases the conflict is the same: that your well-being depends on external factors, which you cannot control. This is what makes your self-esteem not work, since depending on something external makes us feel anxious and a constant sense of loss. When our well-being depends too much on external factors it is usually due to attitudes such as demands, comparisons, expectations, feelings that come from fear and insecurity.

The meaning of fear of rejection and abandonment is the consequence of believing that we can live without attachments. the consequence of believing that we can live without attachments, which distresses us.. Human beings need bonds, relationships and experiences with others. However, these fears do not inform us about a real danger (a human being that lives with well-being and confidence does not have difficulties to experience quality bonds, although conflicts also exist) but they condition us in excess for not having learned to understand them and to manage them.

The consequences of fear of abandonment and rejection.

In the same way that fear of the dog leads us to cross the sidewalk, fear of abandonment and rejection leads us precisely to not live our bonds from trust, but to live them from alertness, distrust, insecurity and anxiety.

We try to control relationships or, on the contrary, we do not allow ourselves the experience of connecting affectively (for fear of the possible rejection of the other person). (for fear of the possible rejection of the other).

Living too much time according to these emotions demotivates us and makes us feel that there is a neglected part of us. In turn, we often either turn our energies to another aspect of our life (work, projects) or, on the contrary, we focus too much on relationships and live them too intensely.

Insecurity, fear and anxiety, over time, cause us to have intrusive thoughts, fatigue, sleep or eating problems, Muscle stress, and a constant feeling of exhaustion and stress. However, as we talked about, the problem is not in those emotions... but rather in how you understand and manage them.

The solution lies in your own personal change

Trying to solve the fear of abandonment and rejection with magic keys is like trying to make a cooking recipe through an Instagram video. Every kitchen, pan and ingredient is different. In your case, it's all about understanding first of all how you approach your relationships, from where you build them, and above all how you have learned to generate attachment bonds.

It is true that we cannot go into the past and change all this, but it is true that what you feel now is a result of what you often do.

By working on you in an integral way, from your emotions, actions, interpretations and style of relationshipIt is possible to deepen what you believe about yourself and the relationship and build a style of self-esteem where your well-being depends mainly on you.

When we achieve this, it does not mean that conflicts disappear, but that they do not weigh so much on us, we know how to understand situations with more perspective and we can feel more well-being and fulfillment. From your own change, your bonds also change.

However, it is important to work with a complete personal change, taking care of your belief system as well as your self-esteem style, communication and relationships, and above all actions (nothing changes if we do not do something different). The key aspect to improve this problem is to learn to understand and manage your emotions, not only the fear of rejection and abandonment, but all related emotions (fear, insecurity, anguish, discouragement, frustration, guilt, etc.).

Human beings are emotional beings and each emotion has its own reason for being.. Problems arise when we have not learned to manage them in a functional way.

Do you want to have psychological support and coaching?

If you want to solve this problem and live a process of deep change but also practical, that will lead you to achieve the changes you need and above all that will last over time, you can visit Empoderamiento Humano to schedule an exploratory session with me.

In that session, which we can have via Whatsapp and where you only need to be in a comfortable and private place for you, we can get to know each other, deepen your situation, discover the origin of the problem, and above all see how I can accompany you to get the change you deserve.

I send you lots of encouragement and remember that from your own change, everything else will change.

Thank you for thinking of you, Ruben.