Forgiveness: should I or should I not forgive someone who hurt me?

When we feel offended or hurt by someone, negative feelings hijack us.

Forgiveness is one of the most important phenomena in our relationships with others. We have all wondered whether the person who has hurt us, intentionally or unintentionally, deserves our forgiveness. forgiveness.

It affects us, above all, when the faults to be forgiven come from people close to us, such as family, friends or partners, relationships in which the existence or not of forgiveness can significantly damage our quality of life (and that of others). Now then, does forgiving someone mean reconciling with them?

Forgiveness, should I or should I not forgive?

It is true that forgiveness favors reconciliation but this is not strictly necessary, in fact we can be in a relationship where there is no forgiveness and we have simply "forgotten" a painful event or we can forgive someone with whom we no longer have any contact. The act of forgiveness itself is more of a process and it happens over time.

Well, scientists agree that forgiveness implies that the offended person recognizes that what has been done to him/her is not right and although he/she knows that the situation may not be justified and the person who has caused the harm does not deserve to be forgiven, he/she makes the decision to do so.

Gordon and Baucon (1998-2003) point out that forgiveness does not mean having positive feelings of compassion, empathy or love towards the person who has hurt us, as it can be "an egotistical act".It can be "a selfish act" that is done towards oneself in order to diminish the negative emotions it causes.

Furthermore, the decision to forgive does not exempt us from asking for justice and reclaiming what we do not believe to be just, as long as we do not act only in a vengeful way (Casullo, 2008).

“Clinging to anger is like clinging to a hot ember with the intention of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned..”

-Buddha

Forgiveness is experienced at an individual level, there is a change in the behavior, thinking and emotions of the person who suffers it, but at the same time it can be considered interpersonal since it occurs in a specific situation and with specific roles: offender-offended.

Processes associated with forgiveness

In the last 20 years there has been a growing interest in the study of forgiveness in Psychology in order to address two processes:

• On the one hand, forgiveness is a key aspect in the recovery of emotional wounds. recovery from emotional wounds, as in the case of infidelityOn the one hand, forgiveness is a key aspect in the recovery of emotional wounds, such as the case of infidelity in the couple, in which the deceived person may feel betrayed by his or her spouse.

• As evidenced by the association in numerous studies between forgiveness and health. forgiveness and healthboth physical and mental.

Types of forgiveness

From the approach of one who has felt hurt in close and more everyday relationships, we can find three types of forgiveness:

• Episodic forgiveness: Related to a particular offense within a specific situation.

• Dyadic forgiveness: the propensity to forgive within a relationship, such as a couple or a family.

• Dispositional forgiveness: a person's personality trait, his or her willingness to forgive over time and across different situations.

These three elements together influence our ability to forgive and how we choose to forgive.

Positions on forgiveness

There are three positions on forgiveness, which predispose us in one way or another when trying to answer the question of how to forgive. These are as follows:

The decision to forgive or not lies with the person who has been offended, and can be introduced at a therapeutic level as long as the patient freely decides to do so. Therefore, from this point of view, forgiveness can be either positive or negative, depending on the context in which the events occurred.

Factors influencing forgiveness

In order to delve a little deeper into the world of forgiveness, the main characteristics or variables that affect the final decision are described below:

Exoneration: is an internal process in which the injured person analyzes and understands more deeply the situation that causes him/her harm. (Hargrave & Sells, 1997).

Forgiving oneself

Forgiveness can be focused on relationships with other people, but it can also be focused on oneself, that is, on one's self-image and self-concept. Knowing how to successfully manage forgiveness towards oneself means being more or less successful in not being invaded by the discomfort that guilt can produce.

Ho'oponopono: a life philosophy based on forgiveness

If you believe that you need to forgive yourself and others in order to be happy, you may find the Ho'oponopono philosophy helpful, you may find useful the Hawaiian philosophy called Ho'oponopono. You can discover it by visiting this article:

• The second position has a different view of forgiveness than the first. It considers that in some cases not forgiving is also beneficial, since not doing so can be detrimental to the person who forgives and can put at risk groups that are in a vulnerable situation, as in the case of abuse or mistreatment. The values they uphold are equity, justice and empowerment.

• The third position is at an intermediate level between the two previous ones. It emphasizes the context in which forgiveness is given and therefore each situation should be assessed.

  • Characteristics of the forgiverIt depends on whether we think that the person has acted to hurt us, or whether we think that he/she did not mean to, the more benevolent we perceive the actions of the other person, the more likely we are to agree to forgive him/her. On the other hand, people who are willing to forgive have a greater ability to control their emotions, just as people with anxiety or depression find it more difficult to forgive.

  • Characteristics of the offenseThe more serious the offense, the less likely forgiveness will be.

  • Characteristics of the offenderThe fact of recognizing the facts humbly and apologizing sincerely favors the appearance of forgiveness.

  • "Ho'oponopono: healing through forgiveness".
Bibliographical references:
• • Guzman, Monica. (2010). Forgiveness in Close Relationships: Conceptualization from a Psychological Perspective and Implications for the Clinical Practice. Psykhe (Santiago), 19(1), 19-30. Retrieved November 28, 2014, from http://www.scielo.cl/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext.... 10.4067/S0718-22282010000100002.