Frequent conflicts in the couple’s relationship

The existence of differences between the members of a couple is a normal and unavoidable fact if one takes into account that each member comes from a family and a different socio-cultural context, with their own customs and beliefs and previous personal experiences. All this means that at the beginning of the relationship each member is integrated with ideas, beliefs and expectations that are often divergent about how it should be the same.

• Causes: the arrival of the children, illnesses, changes of address ...
• The hardest test: children (their habits, education, limits, role of parents ...)
• Keys: respect, know how to give in, defend our position.

Faced with these two worlds so habitually different, the conflict appears when one or both members try to change the other to resemble him. Thus, one of the most frequent mistakes is trying to impose one's own vision or consider one's own as "normal." To prevent this situation it is necessary to be open to establishing a good communication, to be able to make innumerable decisions and make adjustments until achieving a comfortable coupling in the couple, that is, a model of their own in the construction of which both have been able to collaborate.

However, reaching that initial adjustment point does not guarantee the end of differences or potential conflicts either, since a relationship is something dynamic, in constant change and evolution and therefore in constant need of compromises and negotiations. between members.

Although from the outset all aspects of a relationship are susceptible to conflict, these tend to be more frequent and intensify in the stages of significant changes in relationship, such as the beginning of coexistence, the arrival of the children or certain moments of life difficulties: duels, illnesses, changes of address, retirements, layoffs, long absences by a member of the couple, etc.

Some of the reasons for conflict most common in a Relationship are due to:

• The type of join that is established. Many factors come into play in the construction of the relationship, such as the couple model that each member has perceived in their family of origin, as well as the needs, desires and expectations of each one. In this sense, for example, it may be the case that one of the members of the couple gives the other something different from what he expects of him or that physical distance can mean a feeling of freedom for one and loneliness and abandonment for him. other.
• The practicalities of coexistence of the couple. At the beginning of this stage of the relationship, it becomes essential to make many decisions about how it is going to develop. The most common conflicts in this phase are those related to the distribution of the space to be shared and the division of duties and domestic tasks (shopping, cleaning, payments, formalities, etc.).
• The families of origin of each of the members of the couple. The most common ones correspond to the type of relationship that each member of the couple maintains with their own family and to what extent they allow it to influence or interfere with the couple. Clear examples are the non-acceptance of the relationship on the part of the parents of one of the members or that one of them puts the relationship he has with his parents or siblings before the one he has with his partner, showing greater trust and proximity with his family of origin.
• The arrival of the children. When a couple decides, they must know how to combine and take care of both areas at the same time: that of the couple's relationship and that of the relationship with their children. It is at this vital time that many new difficulties appear that will need to be managed properly. For this reason, it is very important to agree on the time that will be allocated to the care and enjoyment of the minors and the time dedicated to cultivating the affective evolution of the couple. Before children, the most common conflicts are those caused by divergent positions on the type of education, habits and limits that you want to instill in them, as well as the different role that each member of the couple can assume with the children (authority versus permissiveness).
• Other aspects, no less significant, such as the social life, work, managing the economy, taking advantage of free time, etc., which both members must learn to manage. This type of conflict can be originated, for example, by the meaning that both members give to money, confronting very different cultures about saving and spending, or by the different vision about the dedication of leisure time, in which one can want to do many activities and the other dedicate it to rest.

TIPS TO SOLVE THEM

In all these situations, it is useful:

• Perceive the differences and conflicts as an opportunity to develop flexibility and negotiation skills and thus strengthen the bonds of the couple.
• Learn to expose and defend your own needs and positions.
• Show at once respect for the needs and positions of the other.
• To be willing to give up and give in in some aspects.
• Can get rich with the incorporation of the qualities of the other.