Gaslighting: the subtlest form of emotional abuse

A form of manipulation used to make the victim doubt his or her own judgment.

Have you ever been told these phrases in response to a complaint: "you're crazy", "that never happened", "you're too sensitive", etc.

If so, they may be using the "Gaslighting" technique to confuse you..

What does Gaslighting consist of?

"Gaslighting is a pattern of emotional abuse in which the victim is manipulated into doubting his or her own perception, judgment or memory.. This makes the person feel anxious, confused or even depressed.

This term, which really has no English translation, comes from the classic Hollywood movie called "Gaslight", in which a man manipulates his own perception, judgment or memory.in which a man manipulates his wife into believing he is insane in order to steal her hidden fortune. He hides objects (pictures, jewelry) making his wife believe that she was responsible, although she does not remember. He also dims the gas light (there was no electricity) and makes her believe that the fire is still glowing at the same intensity as before.

Of course, this makes the protagonist feel that she is going crazy, she does not want to leave the house, she is anxious and cries continuously. The husband warns her that he will leave the relationship, and threatens to send her to a doctor for medication or seclusion. Of course, the abuser knows very well what he is doing and almost succeeds if it were not for an investigator who deciphers the situation and unmasks the thief.

The characteristics of this type of deception

Although this film presents us with an extreme case, this manipulation technique is used consciously or unconsciously in relationships..

Let's look at some scenarios. For example, you may say:

"When you said that you hurt me" and the abuser says "I never said that, you are imagining it" and there plants the seed of doubt.

It could also be given in this way:

"When you did that I felt very bad", to which the abuser responds "you are very sensitive, it was just a joke". He tries to persuade us to believe that it was a matter of his own misperception.

Similarly, you may fight and defend yourself but still get the same words: "You're exaggerating", "You're making a storm in a glass of water" or "You're delusional" etc., so instead of continuing to confront or defend yourself, the abuser will say, "You're not a joke. instead of continuing to confront or walk away, you allow the doubt to arise within you in an attempt to further the relationship and seek approval from your partner or family member.

This type of manipulation is very subtle but dangerous, as it leads us to continue toxic relationships, to believe that there is really something wrong with us, to be insecure and to depend on the opinion of others. It can also push us away from our loved ones for fear of being confronted about your relationship.

Possible effects

These are the main psychological effects of gaslighting in the medium and long term, which lead the victim to assume that he or she lacks the judgment to make decisions on his or her own.

1. Doubts about ability to remember well

Gaslighting causes the victim to doubt the functioning of his memory.The manipulative person convinces her that she remembers things that did not happen.

2. Doubts about one's own reasoning.

This leads the victim to have no confidence in his or her ability to reason and make decisions. seeks help in the judgment of othersand especially in the manipulative person, who makes him/her see his/her supposed mistakes.

3. Doubts related to their own mental health

In extreme cases, the victim assumes that he/she has a psychological disorder which would explain their inappropriate emotional reactions, or their ways of thinking far from reality.

4. Lowered level of self-esteem

All of the above is reflected in a low level of self-esteem in general.

How to notice Gaslighting

These are 10 signs to know if we are being "Gaslighteed". (information gathered from psychologist Robin Stern, author of the book The Gaslighting Effect).

What can you do?

As subtle as this type of manipulation is, we are not helpless against it. There are ways to deal with this type of attack, unless there is already a strong precedent of abuse and we cannot deal with the situation while maintaining a modicum of composure.

For to act in cases of Gaslighting, you can follow these guidelines:

1. Trust your intuition

If you feel that something is not right, pay attention to it and examine which parts don't fit. When it comes to analyzing one's own experiences, one's own experience counts more than that of others.

Moreover, communication is not a game in which you have to make an effort to understand everything that others say. In a couple, if a message has not been understood, the responsibility is often shared (as long as we have paid attention to it).

2. Don't seek approval

Resist the temptation to convince the other to get approval.Instead, you can say "We disagree" or "I thought about what you said but it doesn't feel true to me" or "I hear what you're saying, but my reality is very different from yours. You are perfectly free to end a conversation.

This is only advisable in cases of Gaslighting, since in any other context, such as in a discussion in which the other person's arguments are solid, it can become an excuse for not admitting that you are not right and, ultimately, a tool of cognitive dissonance.

3. Remember your sovereignty over your own thoughts

Remember that emotions are neither good nor bad, and no one can tell you whether what you feel is true or not. If you say "that made me feel criticized" or "I felt sad about what you did" you are not debating it. Ultimately, if you feel that you are being humiliated or psychologically harmed, you alone feel that; what you experience is not up for debate.

Do not apologize for feelingWhat you should avoid doing is assaulting, manipulating or acting in a harmful way.

4. Be aware of your values

What values do you want to be remembered for? Create a list of personal values. For example, "spending quality time with my loved ones", "keeping promises", "being generous/compassionate", "telling the truth", "traveling", "being open-minded", "keeping spirituality". This will help you stay focused and also know what you value in others..

In a way, values act as the backbone of our behavior. Whatever happens, whatever others say or do or don't do should not force us to go against them. The moment someone pressures us to violate these basic principles, we know we are being manipulated.

5. Maintain your personal boundaries

If someone crosses them, let them know and raise a consequence.. For example, if you are yelled at or verbally abused, you can say "I'm not comfortable with what you said, I think it's disrespectful and I'm not going to let it go. Stand your ground.

If it happens again, let them know again and depending on the relationship, seek a sincere dialogue in which you both agree not to do it again or walk away.

If the person does not take responsibility for their faults and continues to "gaslighteteándote" ask yourself if you want to continue the relationship or the frequency of visits in the case of family or friends. Working on one's assertiveness is essential to assert one's own interests with dignity.

• You wonder if you are overly sensitive many times a day.
• You are always apologizing: to your parents, to your partner, to your boss.
• You wonder why you are not happy, if apparently so many good things are happening in your life.
• You constantly offer excuses to family or friends for your partner's behavior.
• You find yourself withholding or hiding information so you don't have to explain or make excuses to partners or friends.
• You begin to lie to avoid being changed in reality.
• You find it hard to make decisions, even simple ones.
• You feel you can't do anything right.
• You wonder if you are constantly being a good enough daughter/friend/employee/boyfriend.