Healthy habits in the relationship

Human beings are relational beings. Thanks to neurosciences we know that this characteristic begins to be established already in the womb, when before birth that first and special bond with the mother is established. Our mind will continue its structuring thanks to the first relationships after birth, with parents or other figures of reference, on a path that does not end, since the mind is an open system that is built through the relationship with others, and that will continue to shape it.

• The couple relationship can be a source of mental growth, emotional security and well-being or, on the contrary, it can become a place of mental impoverishment, emotional insecurity and conflict.
• It is important that both members can express and realize their own needs, desires, opinions and fears freely, knowing that they will be taken into consideration by the other.
• The role of caring and being cared for is important for the couple to become a source of mental and emotional health for both.

Among all the relationships that we will establish throughout life, What role does the couple play? And what role do we have in the life of our partner? These are questions that we often do not ask ourselves and that are important because the couple relationship, like any other significant relationship, can be a source of mental growth, emotional security and well-being or, on the contrary, it can become a place of impoverishment mental, emotional insecurity and conflict.

Questions to reflect on healthy habits in your relationship

biologically focused on survival, but as human beings we are also seekers of wholeness and meaning. So is our partner a source of growth and mutual happiness for us? Are we to him or her?

We propose below a series of questions so that we can reflect and thus learn to take care of our relationship, as they will help us to see more clearly the healthy and unhealthy aspects of it:

• Do we both have enough autonomy to feel like we can be ourselves in the relationship?

Here we mean that both members can express and realize their own needs, desires, opinions and fears with freedom knowing that these will be taken into consideration by the other person. In other words, can we be ourselves without perceiving the individuality of the other as a threat to our own?

• Is the couple capable of working out and resolving conflicts that arise in a constructive way?

The key word here is empathy and, although it has been widely used recently, here it refers not only to trying to understand the other's point of view, but to the ability to get out of one's own perspective and be able to get as far as possible into that of the other. another sending him the message that there really is a will to understand him. Striving to get out of your own perspective first is what will bring us closer to true empathy. This capacity is also learned and it is necessary to test one's own resources for this in order to give a true resolution and rapprochement that can soothe the discomfort of both and thus allow us to move forward.

• Do we cultivate moments of harmony and connection with the other?

When two people share a pleasant moment, they feel similar things, their eyes meet, they laugh at the same time and they are filled with a feeling of comfort and connection with the other, endorphins are generated and even the same areas of the brain are activated. Neuroscientists call it psychobiological attunement. It is evident that we cannot always feel in tune or in connection with our partner, but it is no less important that the frequent existence of this type of interactions has for the good health of the couple. It is therefore important to take stock of the activities that enhance these moments and favor them as much as possible. This connection will allow us to walk together towards a shared project and the construction of “we”.

• Is there a shared project and moments for the construction of "us"?

It is true that, if the aforementioned factors are met, a healthy feeling of belonging to the couple is already being built implicitly, but Is this explicit? Do we both know where we are? Where are we going? It is important to take time to talk about the couple as an entity, therefore to talk about "we" to be able to bring closer and make aware our respective representations of what it is to be in a couple, of what this means and to cultivate moments of rapprochement that strengthen the relationship .

• Is there a balance between what is given and what is received?

Sometimes receiving is implicit in the relationship, and conflicts are generated when expectations are not met, and both reproach each other for not having met the expectations of the other, sometimes explicitly through words, others implicitly through behavior. However, how many times do we wonder what we have to give to the other? We are not talking about material issues, but about the ability to genuinely bring happiness to the other with true empathy, understanding and detachment from one's own selfishness. It is important that this capacity exists and, if it is lacking, it is important to work on it and reach a balance through dialogue. Both members of the couple must feel that there is a balance between what they give and what they receive for a healthy functioning of the couple. The role of caring and being cared for is important for the couple to become a source of mental and emotional health for both.

Go to practice

• Spend some time a week building the “we”, that is, talk about how you feel and how you see the couple's project.
• Make sure you maintain a healthy social life as a couple. Quality ties with other people (family, friends, etc ...) are a provider of emotional health for the couple and their members.
• Try to cultivate moments where there are interactions of affective quality that enhance the harmony between you. It is advisable to do things that amuse you and allow you to enjoy together, for this it is important to promote moments of play and intimacy.
• Take an active interest in the other, try to capture their needs without their asking and actively respond to them, sometimes a few words are enough. It is important to feel that the other person has an interest in us and vice versa.
• Support each other in your mutual individual projects, the couple must be a source of growth for both, it must be an enrichment of the personality, seeking a place of affective security but also a space that allows the development of both individualities.