How can we build lasting relationships?

“In a life of continual emergency, virtual relationships easily outweigh the real. […] Interpersonal encounters, which gives them a fleeting, disposable and superficial character. The relations virtual machines are equipped with delete and spam keys that protect against the heavy consequences (above all, the loss of time) of in-depth interaction ”.

Liquid love

The excerpt quoted above belongs to the famous sociologist Zigmunt Bauman's book entitled "Liquid Love" in which he talks about the fleeting nature of human relations of postmodern society. A concept that has led us to also think about “obsolescence” that we normally apply to electrical appliances or technological products, with a programmed useful life, and which now seems to also apply to relationships in general and love affairs in particular.

The thrust of cultural changes linked to technological development and the very rapid and drastic implementation that they have in society makes these changes often difficult to assimilate. It seems that the virtual forms of relationship are normalized before it has been possible to reflect on their effects on our minds and on our emotional and relational health.

Its consequences on our capacity for development and happiness are hidden in a blind spot that we can only reveal some time after its implementation, but by then new advances have already been implemented and started over.

Take care of the bonds from a young age to establish lasting relationships

The couple is the mature and adult reproduction of a type of intimate bond that is only comparable to what we have had with our parents or guardians in childhood and adolescence. The main difference is that by the time we reach the age of having a stable partner we have already developed a criterion, a personality and a way of living the intimacy and sexuality that belongs to us.

Therefore, this immersion in the virtuality that surrounds us can affect our Couple relationships and the links we establish, it will be explained only if there are already structural weaknesses in our automatic way of linking.

It is very important that we pay full attention to taking care of the bonds with the little ones and the youngest, because in them, in whom a criterion and a mature self have not yet been built, their own way of establishing relationships is still being formed that can be interfered with by this massiveness of the virtual.

The influence of technologies on young people when establishing relationships

Indeed, the new generations are the most vulnerable when it comes to establishing a healthy form of establish relations since very early they are exposed to the danger of healthy interaction with their close beings and that involves the look, touch, expressiveness, physical affection, containment, etc. be replaced by a screen. This fact can negatively influence the development of the ability to establish satisfactory and lasting relationships that require a sense of others, empathy and the construction of intimacy.

These new generations run the risk, therefore, of atrophying their capacity for the durability of relationships and for the construction of meaningful bonds that is so necessary for happiness and self-development and life in society.

How to foster lasting and real relationships (quality vs quantity):

• Spend time building an "we". For this, it is necessary that this time be of affective quality, that is, that it be a time where interests are shared, where there is dialogue or interaction and, whether with a child or an adult, a true listening and interest is cultivated for the other.
• In the case of couples it is important maintain a healthy social life as a coupleQuality bonds with other people (family, friends, etc ...) are a provider of emotional health for the couple and their members.
• Take an active interest in the other, try to capture their needs without asking and actively respond; sometimes a few words are enough. It is important to feel that the other person has an interest in us and vice versa.
• Also in the case of couples it is important rely on individual projects. Well, the couple must be a source of growth for both, an enrichment of the personality, seeking a place of affective security, but also a space that allows the development of both individualities.
• Promote development, encourage the other to grow, to experiment, to learn for himself. Few acts are such a clear expression of love as that of support and sustain another human being.

As the famous neurologist, ethologist and psychoanalyst Boris Cyrulnick says: “no screens before the age of four. It is a very important basic advice, the best way for a child to learn up to four years is through interaction with parents through play ”.

• The new generations are the most vulnerable when it comes to establishing a healthy way of relating.
• They are exposed to the danger of healthy interaction with their close beings and that involves the look, touch, expressiveness, physical affection, containment, etc. be replaced by a screen.
• And it is this fact that can negatively influence the development of the ability to establish satisfactory and lasting relationships, and create "liquid" relationships. Spending time, supporting each other, being interested in the other… helps to establish lasting and real relationships.

Enric Artés Specialist in Clinical Psychology