How do love relationships work and why do they end?

What are the dynamics and emotions that enable relationships?

Love is a very difficult concept to understand and even more difficult to decipher. There are so many forms of expression, manifestation, conception, etc. that it is impossible to establish concrete guidelines for action.

Relationships: from the beginning to the end of the relationship

The aim of this article is to give a personal vision about how we believe that love relationships work, whether they are healthy or not, and finally, to offer some guidelines in case they do not work, to offer some guidelines in case they do not come to fruition..

To carry out this reflection, we will divide the article into three moments that we consider key: the beginning of the friendship, the healthy relationship vs. the unhealthy relationship, and finally, how to deal with a breakup in the best way in case it happens.

1. The beginning: the morbidity of the unknown

In this first stage is where a process of mutual acquaintance begins, where there is an exchange of information (musical tastes, hobbies, favorite movies, etc.) and where a myriad of understandings take place.

Through communication, both verbal and non-verbal, a physical and chemical attraction also begins, in which the two people begin to like each other and share special moments (a glass of wine, a walk in the park, a look of complicity, etc.). Those first butterflies start to fly...

2. Healthy vs. unhealthy relationships

Over time the relationship matures, the people who form the couple adapt to each other, giving rise to a symbiosis that is not always proportional and positive.. 

It is here where relationships begin to take one form or another. The key is to know how to share and to find a balance where each individual feels important and happy both individually and as a couple. It is essential to be aware that a person can be happy on his or her own, because from our point of view, this is one of the keys that define happiness within the couple.

In a healthy relationship, the two people exchange love, experiences, trust, balance, security, etc. always looking for a mutual benefit that makes them grow personally without having to give up a little piece of themselves, but rather to sharing a part of each other's essence.. The results are usually couples with a great future where the feeling of well-being and satisfaction predominate.

On the contrary, in an unhealthy relationship, there is no sharing, but rather an "existential struggle" where the one who takes the most pieces of the other person wins. It is here where jealousy, selfishness, mistrust, insecurity, imbalance, etc. appear. The result is usually a painful couple breakup where the "loser" person usually accuses a serious lack of self-confidence that leads to states of anxiety and depression. This is because they have forgotten the main basis on which any relationship is based: we can be happy without a partner.

3. How can I deal with a possible breakup?

Well, first of all, whether you have had a healthy relationship or not, you have to accept that from now on the one who is going to make the world move is you and only you. It's a question of attitude.

In these situations, there are usually two types of people, those who look to the future (looking for a change) and those who look to the past (looking to recover what has been lost).

In the first case, we are talking about a person who is aware that there is a void but that can be filled with new life experiences. They have a feeling of sadness, as is normal, but at the same time they breathe an air of freedom (I choose). Their motivation for wanting to move forward is intrinsic (from oneself) and they ask themselves questions such as What do I want to change? How am I going to change it? Why am I going to change it?.

In the second case, we are talking about a sad person (as it is logical) but who feels unable to rebuild his life, lives directly in bitterness, in resignation, they often become "toxic" people. They feel the need for emotional dependence (on their ex-partner), they close themselves in a small introverted world without new experiences, always trying to recover what they have lost. This attitude usually leads the person to depressive states and a lack of self-confidence as they look for motivation in others (extrinsic).

The essential: to be happy without the need to be with someone else.

As we have said before, everything is a question of attitude and asking ourselves where do I want to be, because we cannot change the past, but we can choose the future.

At UPAD Psychology and Coaching we are committed to teach people strategies to find their own motivations that help them to generate that change that will give them what they have really forgotten and are looking for: to be happy for themselves.

We hope this article will make you think about the kind of relationship you want to have and if you find yourself in a moment of rupture, stop thinking about the past and start working on your future..