How does couples therapy work with communication problems?

These are the most commonly used strategies in couples therapy to solve the lack of communication.

Good communication within the couple can be a truly therapeutic element in itself. Achieving this communication depends on multiple factors, aspects that can be cultivated day by day during the couple's coexistence and on which couple therapy is based.

The best way to avoid conflicts in couple relationships, or that these go to worse, is to have a communication based on trust, sincerity and mutual respect, aspects that, along with others, are enhanced in the clinics and psychology offices through techniques of couple therapy in the face of communication problems.. Let's see them more in depth.

These are the techniques of couple therapy applied to communication problems.

The idea that couple communication involves talking things over and telling each other everything is deeply rooted. In part, this is true, but there are many more variables to take into account. It is not only what is said that matters, but also how it is said and how it is heard.

Communication is not only words, but also gestures, tones, body language, emotionality... There are many aspects that define communication and that can be both a strength and a weakness in the relationship.

Each couple is unique. No two couples are alike, but the keys to good communication and resolution of associated problems are constant: be direct, open and honest when it comes to our feelings and how we feel about the direction the relationship has taken. Not saying what we feel, keeping our discomfort and disagreement with things our partner says or does, will only generate confusion and resentment. This is why it is so important to take care of communication in a couple's relationship.

In couple's therapy we try to promote the following relationship strategiesThese can be used as effective techniques or strategies to deal with communication problems.

1. Encouraging recognition and gratitude

It is fundamental to establish better couple communication and to avoid related problems to be grateful, to recognize how much the other person does for us and to value his or her strengths.. In many occasions, we forget that with his presence, our partner is contributing many things in our life and supports us. Being in our life makes all the difference.

Acknowledging this and letting the other know will make the other feel acknowledged and valued, making them more likely to open up emotionally when the situation calls for it. A person speaks more openly about what concerns them and what they feel when they perceive that their partner appreciates being there.

2. Improve empathy

A key aspect in every human relationship: having empathy. Put yourself in the other person's place, trying to understand their point of view, their feelings and their situation will help us, when we have to discuss any topic or negotiate important issues, not to fall into the power struggle typical of many relationships. This is one of the most worked aspects in couple's therapy, and it helps a lot to solve problems due to lack of communication.

By power struggle we refer to the situation so common in couples in which both try to impose themselves on the other, without listening to him. The only aim is to be right, not to solve the basic problem and, as both want to be right, the discussions become eternal and the tone of voice is raised more and more, without reaching a common point.

The problem is that, when a couple argues, it is not one who loses, but both. Empathizing with your partner means listening to him or her, putting yourself in his or her shoes. Of course we can express our opinion, needs and feelings, but this must be done taking into account what the other feels and with the aim of reaching a common point. Let's not try to win the battle by being "right", because after all, that's what it comes down to.because at the end of the day that is still very subjective.

3. Body language management training

Communication is not just words. Body language is a reality, a form of non-verbal communication that greatly influences the information that is received and how it is received. Knowing how to convey with a look, a smile or a wink how we feel can play in our favor when it comes to avoiding arguments.

Expressions of affection such as caresses, kisses and cuddles should not be neglected, as these are the weapons of love that help us to maintain our infatuation. Neuroscience confirms it: human touch triggers the release of hormones such as oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine, which promote well-being.. Being in a good mood you are more likely to discuss without arguing or getting angry.

4. Enhancing assertiveness

We cannot expect our partner to guess our needs. Waiting for that only leads to misunderstandings and arguments, conflicts that are often the daily routine of couple therapists. Nor should we silence what has hurt or bothered us, because it awakens mistrust and impotence in the partner.. Punishing silence does not serve to solve the couple's problems, but rather makes them worse.

In most cases, communication problems can be solved by talking. The best way to solve and prevent them is to know how to recognize and express one's own emotions to the other, always with respect and not resorting to reproaches or demands. With this we will be able to create an atmosphere of trust that will greatly facilitate the communication of any aspect to comment.

In addition, our partner will know how we feel and what we think, thus avoiding misunderstandings. It is essential to express what is happening to us without offending the other person because, if not, it is easy for the problem to remain entrenched, frozen until a situation that brings it to light appears again.

5. Teaching to choose the right moment and channel

To ensure effective communication, it is very important to know how to choose the right time to talk about certain topics. Let's put it in perspective: wouldn't we ask our boss for a raise one day when we find him or her shopping at the supermarket? Obviously not, for several reasons: too much noise, lack of intimacy, lack of formality...

The same applies to the world of the couple: there are things that it is better to tell them in a private and intimate place, calmly and knowing what to say.. If we need to talk to our partner about something we feel is important or sensitive, it cannot be done in a hurry or in a place where there is noise and interruptions.

We must be careful how we initiate the conversation. The typical phrase "we need to talk" is very, very unadvisable, especially if we do not specify what it is about. As soon as our partner hears these words from our lips, he/she becomes paranoid, it generates uncertainty, fear and anticipations of all kinds, but mostly bad. It is advisable to tell him/her what clearly, so that he/she knows what to expect.

And, of course, watch the channel: this type of conversation is not at all appropriate to have on the phone, much less by Whatsapp. Important things should be said in person.

6. Do not use extreme words

A message can be said in many different ways, so many that depending on how we say it, it changes its content without meaning to. Depending on the way we express ourselves, the content reaches the addressee and is interpreted in one way or another. We should not use categorical expressions or extreme words when talking about what we think of our partner..

If we speak from the value judgment against our partner, using words like "you always do this..." or "you never do that", from the demand, the complaint or the criticism, it will be inevitable that the other closes in band and becomes defensive, ready to attack.

In couple therapy, patients are taught to transform complaints and criticisms towards their boyfriend/spouse into messages that are easier to listen to, from the desire, the proposal and the request. They soften the message but without sacrificing the content of the message. For example, instead of saying:

"You never help with household chores, you're lazy."

You can say:

"I get a lot of satisfaction when you collaborate at home, it helps me feel freer and better organized."

Another example, instead of:

"You always scold me for coming home late, you bore".

Transform it into:

"I know you worry when I'm a little late coming home from work, it's something I take into account and I'll let you know when it's going to happen again."

Are you looking for psychological support during a couple's crisis?

If you want to start a couple therapy process, contact us; at Psicomaster we attend both face-to-face and online therapy and we have been helping people for a long time to overcome their problems in the field of emotional management, learning new ways of communication and conflict resolution, coping with stress, and more.